


Lost or Found

by raincheck8



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Family Bonding, Family Feels, Found Family, Gen, Homeworld (Steven Universe), Post-Steven Universe: The Movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2020-12-13 22:54:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 50,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21005504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raincheck8/pseuds/raincheck8
Summary: Spinel has been given a home at the diamonds' side, but old fears and past hurts prevent her from completely believing she is capable of a trusting relationship with them.





	1. Spinel: Homecoming

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is purely self-indulgent. I need to reconcile my discomfort with Spinel being carted off to live with people who have a long history of heavy emotional abuse and unforgiving expectations with the sheer unadulterated joy I felt at seeing Spinel happy without her tear marks in the SU Future opener. The Diamond's change of heart was rushed and unconvincing, but I've got to believe the Diamonds' change was real and genuine, if not for the plot's sake, but now for Spinel's sake. She's a great character and I want nothing but happiness for her. I genuinely hope that, here and, more importantly, in canon, the Diamonds are able to give Spinel the loving guidance and reassurance she needs to love herself. Here's to a hopeful character growth arc for the Diamonds in SU Future. In the meantime, have my take on it haha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is purely self-indulgent. I need to reconcile my discomfort with Spinel being carted off to live with people who have a long history of heavy emotional abuse and unforgiving expectations with the sheer unadulterated joy I felt at seeing Spinel happy without her tear marks in the SU Future opener. The Diamond's change of heart was rushed and unconvincing, but I've got to believe the Diamonds' change was real and genuine, if not for the plot's sake, but now for Spinel's sake. She's a great character and I want nothing but happiness for her. I genuinely hope that, here and, more importantly, in canon, the Diamonds are able to give Spinel the loving guidance and reassurance she needs to love herself. Here's to a hopeful character growth arc for the Diamonds in SU Future. In the meantime, have my take on it haha.

Lost or Found

The changes enacted on Homeworld were extraordinary, Spinel soon realized. The impact of Steven's influence on the diamonds were evident the moment she stepped off the ship, when the diamonds _thanked_ their former pearls for the welcome and shared a joke with a passing tourmaline and amythest guard. From her perch in Blue Diamond's hand, Spinel looked down at the main thoroughfare, and was surprised to see that the usual assembly lines and air traffic were far from the straight, orderly routes demanded of Era One. Gems greeted each other openly and casually. Lower ranking gems still saluted their superiors out of respect and habit, but equal ranking gems forewent the standard salute now. Superiors were now asked to acknowledge those under them with a nod or bow. Every gem that they passed saluted the diamonds passing, but they did so with smiles and gratitude on their faces, genuinely appreciative of the diamond's guidance and leadership instead of fearful of their retribution or potential punishment.

Spinel had been to the palace with Pink many times before, but the curse of time was no match to the memory of its size and grandeur. Crystal spires loomed above her as they stretched toward the sky, bigger and taller than she ever remembered. The palace was made for the comfort of the diamonds and the diamond's size, and under their might, Spinel suddenly felt very small.

The diamonds gave Spinel Pink's old room, much to Spinel's chagrin. A spinel in a diamond's room? She looked hesitantly toward White, an unspoken question in her eyes. The untouchable, fear-provoking authority figure and nightmare of Pink's past only smiled pleasantly at her, and assured her that Pink would have had it no other way. Spinel sincerely doubted that. She was after all, unwanted by Pink. The thought alone made an uneasy feeling settle as she stepped into Pink's room for the first time in six thousand years.

The room had remained unchanged over time, preserved in great care. Her best memories of Pink weren't here, but there were memories here regardless. Spinel had existed for only a few years when Pink had the garden built. She had wanted to impress the diamonds – prove that even if she wasn't trusted with the leadership skills to have a colony, she had enough authority to at least give orders to erect a small bio-safe ecosystem out of a seemingly lifeless asteroid. She had been proud of the feat, and Blue and Yellow had been too, to some degree - at least until she spent the next thousand years using it to shirk her responsibilities and play games with Spinel. Spinel hadn't complained. 

The diamonds left her to explore her new home, sending her off with a blown kiss and a brisque "We're so glad to have such a wonderful reminder of our dear Pink with us!" before they left. In an instant, the warmth Spinel felt clouded and froze in a dense, painful weight in her chest. She stared blankly at the now empty doorway, her mind reeling as she tried desperately to pull herself back to the present.

_Calm down, get a hold of yourself. You can't lose control here, you just got here. _

_They said so themselves. You're just a reminder. That's all you are – a trinket to remember Pink by. They don't care about you, they wouldn't care if you had stayed in the garden for eternity if Pink was still here._

_They don't even know you. They haven't seen you in six thousand years. They'll get to know you again. You were made for this. You'll be a friend for them, too. _

_This isn't about you, this is about her. It was always about her. You're nothing, you're a toy she left behind. She outgrew you. She wouldn't want you in her room and neither will they once they realize how worthless you were to her. _

_Stop, I said I'd try, I told Steven I'd **try**. _

The tears came regardless, though, hot and aching as they traced the permanent lines of her cheeks. Her gem ached – her whole form ached. She was so tired of crying today. Angry and bitter, loved and found, hurt and betrayed, like a never ending cycle that kept playing on loop. Tears spilled down her face as she sunk to the floor, willing it all to _stop _for just one moment.

Like an unspoken answer to her silent prayer, her train of thought was abruptly cut off by a gentle nudge by her feet. Opening teary eyes, she looked down to see a small group of tiny pebbles gathered around her, mumbling tiny, excited voices to each other as they looked up at her, their eyes shining with happiness. Some faded into concern when they saw her crying. Spinel quickly wiped her tears and stooped down. The pebbles eagerly jumped into her outstretched hand with tiny exclamations of "Spinel! Spinel is back!", dancing happily over her arms and cheering as they landed on her shoulder. More followed suite, coming out of their hiding places to eagerly say hello.

They remembered her. The realization brought another wave of tears to Spinel's eyes, this time of happiness. Even though Pink had only brought Spinel into this room a handful of times to play, these pebbles remembered her even after six thousand years. Suddenly this too-big room felt a little friendlier, the memories associated with the place a little sweeter and easier to swallow. Spinel felt herself releasing a breath she didn't realize she had been holding, a soft smile gracing her face as the pebbles cuddled her all over.

"Aw, I remember you guys, too,"she cooed, setting them gently back down on the floor, "I guess we'll be roommates now, huh? That okay with you?" They responded with more unintelligible cheers, which made Spinel's smile widen. Suddenly the pebbles burst into small groups, getting busy building furnishings for their new roommate.

"Oh, you guys don't have to do that just for me, I'm not"- but in mere seconds, the pebbles had already erected a small stepstool for the small gem and were working on a trampoline. Spinel had to look away from that. The pebbles were sweet to remember her favorite toy from so long ago. She and Pink had spent days jumping around together here on anything bouncy her pebbles could build. Instead she stepped onto the small staircase they had newly built and found herself looking into Pink's large vanity mirror they had brought out. Glassy blood-shot eyes stared back at her, dried tear tracks parllelling already angry, black tear streaks. She was a mess, and she knew she looked it. She frowned at her reflection, wishing she could hide the insecurity, her anger, her sadness so plainly manifest in this stupid, sad excuse of a form. She hated that she looked like such a mess; she hated that she _was _a mess; she hated that she was _pink_.

She was ashamed, looking at herself, to be invited into the diamond's home, to be given her own room here, after everything that she had done to Steven – someone they clearly loved. She felt so ashamed to stand here and be offered a place here when Pink, the person she had built her entire life around, had never felt she had a place anywhere. How could Spinel hope to find home here when her own diamond couldn't? How could she compete with that? How could she measure up to the impossible expectations that they had imposed on a diamond? She was just a spinel. A broken one at that, she reminded herself as she looked back into the mirror, her eyes gravitating toward her upside-down gem.

"Can I…maybe borrow a hair brush?"she asked. The pebbles were quick to respond, pulling out a pink hairbrush from their hiding place. Spinel took it gingerly, turning it around carefully in her hand. Spinel and Pink used to brush each other's hair with this brush. They made a game out of styling each other's hair in the funniest way. They could shapeshift their forms, of course, but it had been nice, playing with each other's hair. A happy memory. Turning the brush around, Spinel was surprised to see a single black strand woven around the bristles. Her eyes widened at the sight.

"Was Steven here?"she asked the pebbles. They responded with small excited noises, affirming her suspicions. This had been a space for Steven, too. She was in _his_ room now. Of course. It wasn't enough that she invaded his planet and nearly destroyed it; she had to take his room, too. Spinel felt like even more of an intruder now.

Silently she brushed her hair out, combing out the wild, unkept ends of her pigtails until they sat straight and neat. She couldn't do anything about the rest of her appearance, though, not until she was given an opportunity to reform into something more acceptable, more appealing. The diamonds in her memory were unforgiving of imperfection, and Spinel was worse than imperfect in this state. She was twisted, evil, a good-for-nothing, forgettable nobody that not even her best friend had wanted around. What was she even doing here, she thought as tears once again filled her eyes, and this time she could see in the mirror how stupid she looked. A cute, friendly spinel, made for fun and smiles, crying like the broken gem she was. What had Steven seen in her? What had the diamonds seen in her? Nothing, likely. A memory at best, entertainment at worst.

She clenched and unclenched her hands, her dark thoughts turning angry once more, but at what, she couldn't pinpoint. Her anger with Steven had run out and she simply couldn't be angry at him, not after all he had done to listen to her, forgive her, and save her from her own injector's blast. She couldn't be mad at the diamonds, not when their treatment of Pink had created such happy memories for Spinel at Pink's expense, and not when they had so clearly changed enough to offer a lowly spinel a place in their home. No, the only person she could be angry at now was herself, and she hated that it was the only option she was left with, because it was the hardest to face.

"Stupid, stupid, STUPID…,"she whispered, taking the brush and furiously messing with her hair, ruining the work she had done. The brush turned traitorously on its holder, and soon Spinel was not only ruining her hair, but banging herself on the head with it. The pebbles cried out in alarm, hanging desperately on her feet and arms, begging her to stop hurting herself.

"Spinel?" Only the voice of a diamond could have stopped the dark, self-destructive spiral that Spinel was once again barreling down into. Her breath hitched in her throat as she whirled around, the brush quickly hidden behind her back. Blue Diamond crouched outside her door, her eyes concerned as she looked down at the flustered, smaller gem.

"What's wrong, darling?" Spinel quickly wiped her eyes, all too aware of how pathetic she looked and wishing she could hide. Blue's expression softened, a look of understanding passing over her face.

"Come, dear. We've finished with our business. Come sit with us. We'd love your company." Feeling foolish now for her behavior, having all but destroyed the one part of her appearance she had been able to mediate, she walked forward slowly and climbed obediently into Blue's waiting hand. Desperately she tried to fix herself back up into something remotely presentable as she was carried down a series of unrecognizable corridors. The hallways emitted a brilliant white light as they walked. This was undoubtedly White Diamond's wing of the palace.

They stopped at the largest pool Spinel had ever seen. Light danced across the surface, the water refracting and across a flawless crystal line of blue. Wading in the pool were White and Yellow, already waiting for them. Spinel stiffened, her limbs coiled tightly as Blue joined them, setting Spinel down carefully on the lip of the pool as she eased herself in the water. The water rose with the added mass of Blue Diamond, kissing the tips of Spinel's feet. She hugged her knees close to her chest self-consciously, her feet not daring to touch the water.

"Our new friend was looking rather upset all by herself, so I brought her here to join us,"Blue explained to the other too by way of catching their attention, smiling down at the little pink gem. Spinel felt her cheeks warm at being so directly called out.

"U-upset? Psh, no. I was just trying out a new…trick. See?"she finished lamely, forcing a weak smile. She waved a hand over her face, changing expressions each time her face disappeared behind her hand. This got a laugh out of Yellow, and a surprised "O" from White, but Blue only smiled sadly at her.

"You poor thing,"Blue said softly, drawing Spinel's gaze upward, "It must be strange for you, coming back here. You must have been lonely, waiting for Pink all that time. We were lonely, too, you see." Spinel couldn't help but intently stare, waiting, looking from each diamond, who only nodded their agreement.

"And to come to Earth after all that, only to find her not there,"Yellow offered.

"And to such a foul planet as well,"White added, turning up her nose, "What an awful surprise that must have been, to learn that all that time Pink was guarding a dump heap." She seemed to catch herself and quickly added, "Not that we're _judging_. I'm sure the Earth is considered…illustrious to _some_." Spinel hung her head. They didn't know. They didn't know it was her that had destroyed the world Pink had fought tooth and nail for. What would they do if they knew? If they knew she had attacked Steven, Pink's son, who they loved and adored so? Would they shatter her on the spot? Punish her? Banish her? Before the panic and fear could begin to settle, Yellow interrupted her dark train of thought, forcing her attention back to them.

"I remember when we first gifted you to Pink." Spinel's head shot up at this.

"Ah yes, that does take me back,"White said thoughtfully.

"Pink had become so quiet and despondent. We were becoming so busy with the expansion of our empire that we scarcely had time to be with her."

"It was unideal, to be sure,"Yellow said solemly, "She had her pearl of course, but it was clear she wasn't what Pink needed. She was so lonely and restless, and we…simply didn't have time for her games. We had an empire to expand, and galaxies to conquer…"

"It was Blue's idea, if I recall,"White said, a perfect pointed nail tapping on her chin, her smile and posture deflating as she continued, "I of course, objected, but we were all still on speaking terms then, and you convinced me. Although I…admit now my intentions may not have been purely altruistic when I said yes. It may have been more to end Pink's incessant pestering for my time than to console her."

"She was quite excited to make you,"Yellow said, meeting Spinel's surprised expression with a knowing smile, "She hand-picked a planetoid from our collected conquests to ensure the richest organic material for your insertion point. She waited nearly a century for you to come out. She waited every day at your exit when your expected emergence date was close to arriving." Blue shifted in the water, her head coming to rest against folded arms, two large blue eyes blinking slowly at the small pink gem staring back at her, hanging on every word.

"You were well worth the wait, little one. You made Pink very happy. More so than we ever would have,"Blue said, her voice warm yet sad. Yellow folded her arms across her chest, staring intently into the water, her face pulled into a sad grimace.

"The pressure we placed on her, the sadness we inflicted…It was as if you erased it all. You were able to do what even three diamonds couldn't do,"Yellow said softly. Spinel's face was burning a brighter shade of pink, feeling the eyes of all three diamonds on her. The compliment made her gem warm.

"…H-ha. That's funny…I'm not…I'm _nothing_ compared to diamonds, I'm just…" _Me,_ she wanted to finish, but the word died in her mouth as White suddenly reached for her. Spinel shrunk back at her intimidating size, staring nervously up at the imposing figure before her. Tentatively she stepped onto the large hand offered her, and felt wind sweep through her pigtails as she was raised up closer to White Diamond's enormous head. There was a remarkable softness in White's eyes that hadn't existed before the first time Spinel had met her – all piercing stares and plastic, posed smiles. There was sadness here now, of losing one of her own, and humility, from having to learn to relinquish the illusion that she knew all. White didn't know all. She didn't know why Pink had left them. She didn't know how to live in a universe without Pink in it. White had loved and loss as Spinel had, and when she spoke, Spinel knew her words were genuine.

"Sweet thing, you gave our Pink so much love. Please allow us to repay you for all the love you gave her when we weren't there for her. We made the mistake of not loving her enough once. We didn't realize how much our behavior affected her until it was too late. Her decision to cut all ties with us, start a war against us, and fake her her shattering...I couldn't accept it until I realized for certainty that Pink…truly is gone. Our Pink…truly did surrender everything to Steven…and a human cause that we're…still trying to understand. We won't let that happen again, though. We won't let another loved one drive themselves to that state. Things are different than how you remember, but it's all due to Steven, and his conviction that we tend to the family we already have. As long as you are here, you will be cared for. I swear it, as a diamond."

Spinel found it hard to speak. Her mind raced, emotions twisted in a confusing mess as she stared, teary eyed, at the face of the most powerful being in the galaxy. A figure who had, for millennia, looked down on imperfection, on the weak, on those who deviated from their purpose. By her standards, Spinel should have been shattered for being the mess that she was. A disgrace to her original purpose, a twisted corruption, a destroyer, an enemy – nothing like the friend she was intended to be. She was nothing short of worthless – to the diamonds, to Pink, to Steven, to herself, and yet….

…And yet she felt the eyes of the diamonds boring into her, forgiving, gentle, yearning for something she didn't know how to give, but had a feeling it was the same as what she was needing. Her gem ached from their kindness, a kindness that was so unexpected and cut so deep that tears fought their way to the corners of the small gem's eyes. A small sniff alerted Blue and Yellow to their new friend's state, and they waited patiently for Spinel to compose herself.

"…I hurt someone, too,"Spinel said, her voice small as she slowly wiped her eyes, "Someone I wish I didn't. I'd give anything to take it back now." She paused, her hands folding over her gem. "…I know I don't…look like you remember. I really want to learn how to be a good friend again, to make up for the bad I did. You guys make me feel like I can. If three diamonds can change even when you've been so hurt by what Pink did, leaving you behind…there's no reason I shouldn't be able to, too." Spinel raised her head slowly to look up at the diamonds, surprised and slightly embarrassed to see their eyes teary as well. Blue and Yellow leaned forward, each taking a turn to press a large kiss against Spinel's side, making her giggle at the impact of such large lips against her form. Spinel stretched her arms out wide, wide enough to wrap around White Diamond's enormous frame. Spinel's tiny form was hardly bigger than White's gem itself, but the sentiment was still there. A single manicured finger gently came up to gingerly rub the tiny pink gem's back, a warmth in her smile that Spinel had never known before but would come to know as home.

"Thank you, my Diamonds,"Spinel said softly, releasing her hold around White's neck and landing softly on her shoulder. She looked at each of them in turn, returning their happy smiles. She knew this feeling. This was the same way she had felt with Steven, in the garden. She felt understood. She felt found. And from all the way up here, on top of the shoulders of a diamond, Spinel felt like she could do and be anything. She _could_ do anything. This was just the beginning. She was going to be better now.

"Thank _you_, darling,"Blue replied, her smile warm and genuine, "I hope you will be patient with us. Change is difficult for us gems. But we are learning that it is worth it if it is for the right reasons."

"And we know what it means to live with regret,"Yellow added, "If there's anything we can do to help ease yours, please let us know so we can help you. There's something to be said for making amends." Yellow met the eyes of the other diamonds. Although Spinel didn't know it, they were thinking of their first trip to Homeworld, sitting together in the waters of Rose's fountain, restoring the damage they had done to Earth's gems. Here, in White's fountain, it wasn't so different. They were healing each other, one day at a time.

Spinel thought a moment on the offer. Steven was surely already rushing to organize a restoration of his planet. Her injector had gone off not even an hour ago. Even with Steven's healing powers and all the time in the world, she needed to do _something_ to make it up to him.

"Actually…,"she started thoughtfully, "There might be something I can do..."

* * *


	2. Blue Diamond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare yourselves for extra spicy pumps of angst as I try to cram as much feels into as few chapters as possible, because unfortunately my current work schedule does not allow for the slow-burn plans I had originally envisioned for this fic. I'll probably push for it anyway, but for now, please enjoy a chapter starring Spinel and Blue Diamond.

The diamonds loved Spinel. They loved her, and yet, there was always a part of Spinel that was constantly on guard, waiting for the anvil to drop and the diamonds to repeat Pink’s actions. She was edgy, suspicious, but she hid it well. The diamonds were doting enough to the point that sometimes Spinel even believed it was real. Or at least, they distracted her from the ever-present fear that their adoration was only temporary.

They spent a lot of time together, which Spinel never remembered being a frequent occurrence in her memories. With no colonies to remotely govern, the diamonds suddenly had a vast amount of free time.

White Diamond’s change had been the biggest surprise. Freed from her isolation and her need for a flawless empire, White was actually a very compassionate leader and friend to Blue and Yellow, making up for lost time by spending as much time with them as possible. Yellow remained as stalwart and determined in everything she did as Spinel remembered. Even without her colonies, she was as fierce as she was in her affections as she was with her army. Blue was soft edges and unexpected warmth. Sometimes Spinel looked at Blue and, out of all the other Diamonds, saw herself. She saw it in the dark circles under her eyes, stained with grief, in the way Blue’s shoulders often slouched - a bad habit she would sometimes fall back into from the eons spent on her knees, mourning. Blue had never reformed in her life, but she had physical scars from her pain that had permanently altered her form. Just like Spinel.

They talked. And talked and talked and talked. It didn’t matter where or about what – the four of them were always together. Spinel was fond of taking turns hopping between their outstretched hands. Spinel wanted to know about them and everything she had missed during her absence. Yellow weaved elaborate stories of her past conquests full of action and suspense that made Spinel’s eyes go wide. Blue loved to give Spinel little pets and back rubs while Spinel sat in her hand – much to Spinel’s delight – as she filled her in on everything that had transpired after Pink left Homeworld to colonize Earth. White was perhaps the most guarded, which Spinel came to realize was understandable, as she learned that White had isolated herself in denial of her grief for the entirety of Era 2 and into Era 3. White had taken great strides to be present and engaged with her fellow diamonds again, but she was also the most reserved, preferring to give affection rather than to talk about herself. Spinel understood, but it also made her the most wary of White, not knowing the private thoughts she was keeping to herself about Spinel’s state. It didn’t help that Pink had been the least close to White as well. Spinel had very few memories to go off of. She couldn’t deny the warmth she felt in her gem, though, when White would ask to hold her and give her cute nicknames.

“My Diamond,”Yellow Pearl greeted one day, warping at Yellow Diamond’s side with a habitual salute. Spinel looked down from her perch in Yellow’s palm, spotting Pearl and waving hello. Pearl ignored her, her attention on Yellow. Spinel lowered her hand in a pout. Yellow Pearl was always too absorbed in her duties to pay much attention to her, even in the past. 

“A report has come in from colony home base 5YD, my Diamond. Your immediate response is requested.”

“Ugh. I’ll be right there,”Yellow sighed. Spinel jumped from Yellow’s hand, somersaulted in the air, and struck a pose onto Blue’s outstretched hand, earning her a laugh.

Pink Pearl suddenly warped next to Yellow Pearl with an identical salute, looking surprised to see Yellow already there. The pearls had been freed too of course, but they were frequently asked to still help manage some appointments for the diamonds. As far as Spinel was aware, all the pearls still lived in the palace, volunteering their time when needed.

“Um…my Diamond?”Pink Pearl asked, looking up at White, “You also have an appointment.”

“Oh dear, how I lose track of time with you, Starlight,”White said with an affectionate smile in Spinel’s direction, “It seems you get her all to yourself today, Blue. Do take care of her while we’re gone.” Blue appeared elated, holding Spinel a little closer to her as they waved Yellow and White goodbye. A trickle of panic welled up in Spinel’s form as she watched the diamonds leave, but the feeling was fleeting – inconsequential to the hand that still held her. She wasn’t being left alone, she reminded herself. Spinel looked up at Blue, excited for the opportunity to have her all to herself. Pink had always been closest to Blue, and Spinel remembered her fondly. She beamed up at the giantess, who returned her smile in turn.

“Can I… lie in your hair?”Spinel asked shyly.

“Of course, darling.” Spinel grinned, jumping from Blue’s palm to the front loop of her hair. The strands were just dense and large enough that Spinel didn’t sink. She nestled into the makeshift hammock, her nose nuzzled against Blue’s chest, her legs tucked in respectfully so that they didn’t accidentally brush against Blue’s gem. Spinel couldn’t help but smile. She felt so safe and cared for, being held like this in Blue’s hair. Even though the diamond’s room was suddenly quiet with the absence of White and Yellow, Blue’s presence kept the voices of insecurity and self-hatred at bay for now, safe and protected as she was. Spinel felt herself relax.

“I feel really safe with you, my Diamond,”Spinel decided to admit out loud. Blue smiled down at her, the shadows of her eyes lifting just a little.

“I’m so glad, sweetheart,”she said, “Pink used to sit in my hair, too, you know.”

“O-Oh?” Spinel frowned. Even her safe places had been tainted by Pink’s presence.

“She was just big enough that she couldn’t sit for more than a second without falling through,”Blue laughed. A guilty rush of relief swept through Spinel’s form at the response. This, at least, was a place in the palace that Pink hadn’t touched for very long.

“I’m glad you fit.” Spinel looked up to meet the soft, smiling gaze of Blue. Spinel’s gaze couldn’t help but linger on those dark shadows under her eyes. They weren’t there when Pink was alive. No, Spinel was sure…something had happened to create those. What had happened to Blue to make her change form as permanently as Spinel had? Were she and Blue maybe more similar than Spinel thought? She didn’t want to pry, but at the same time…They were finally alone, and Spinel might never have another opportunity to ask.

“You look…different than I remember,”Spinel commented. She regretted bringing it up as soon as the words left her mouth. Spinel looked different, too, but the diamonds never commented about her new appearance. What was Spinel thinking? Would Blue be offended? Hate her for her insensitivity? Leave her for it?

“Grief changes even the best of us,”Blue responded sadly without hesitation, breaking Spinel’s train of destructive thoughts. She appeared unperturbed by the bluntness of the comment. “I know you of all gems understand.” Spinel froze.

“What do you mean?”

“What it means to grieve a loved one. I’m glad someone else understands. There truly is no deeper sadness, is there?”Blue continued, her eyes unfocused, ignorant to Spinel’s confused expression, “Yellow and White were so good at hiding their grief. People like us, though…we wear it for all to see, to honor those we’ve lost, and to remind us of them…I see myself in you, darling. From the moment I saw you, I could see that we are alike, you and I. We have both shed tears for our dear Pink.” She traced a finger down her cheek in an imitation of Spinel’s own tear marks. Spinel stared wide eyed and unblinking at the gesture, a strange feeling she couldn’t name stirring inside her, wanting to be voiced, but Spinel felt compelled to hold it down. Grief? Sadness? Blue was….oh.

“…Spinel?” She didn’t want to be here anymore. She didn’t deserve to be held like this by someone who thought Spinel was a kindred spirit, one who loved Pink as much as she did, when in reality the mere mention of her name made the bristles of her hair stand on end. What did she do? What did she say?

“Y-yeah,”she managed.

“You’re shaking,”Bue observed with a worried frown, “Darling, are you alright?” Spinel looked down at herself. It was minute, barely noticeable, but of course, Spinel was right next to Blue’s gem, and a being as powerful as a diamond could surely sense her slight vibrations. She held her arms and willed herself to stop.

“I…I just…,”she stopped, taking a deep breath to calm herself.

_Of course she’s sad about Pink. Her relationship with Pink was real. What were you to Pink in the end?_

_Stop stop stop not here not now._

_Who are you fooling, looking at a Diamond like you can relate? Pink and Blue actually loved each other. You could never relate to that._

_That’s not true that’s not true stop it._

_Pink never loved you like she loved Blue. You’ve never been loved. And you never will be._

_Stop stop stop_

_She’d leave you just like Pink did if she knew what awful things you did to Pink’s son and her colony. She’s going to leave you, anyway. How long can you keep this up? Pink’s little lost treasure isn’t worth much anymore to a Diamond now that she’s not as cute and lovable as she used to be, is she? What would she do if she knew what you **really** thought of Pink?_

_Stop stop stop stop STOP_

“STOP!!” Spinel screamed. Her head jerked up in alarm as she realized that the sound had come out of her own mouth. Her hands flew to her lips, tears suspended in her eyes as she stared up at Blue in sudden panic. Blue met her glassy eyes with alarm, unsure what to make of the little Gem’s sudden outburst. Spinel turned her entire body around, hiding her face in her hands as she tried desperately to calm down. She had messed up, Blue had seen, she would ruin everything…

“Darling…”

“DON’T LOOK AT ME!” Spinel managed before leaping from her perch in Blue’s hair, her legs stretching to the ground, followed by the rest of her. She ran, not looking back.

It didn’t feel like a safe refuge even at the best of times, but it was the only place Spinel had. She barreled into Pink’s old room before her tears could hit the floor. The pebbles rushed out from their hiding places with concern, trying to ask what was wrong, hanging off of her feet even as she tried to walk away from them. She couldn’t take their concern, much less acknowledge it. Her anger rose, boiling within her until it suddenly peaked and exploded in one go.

“Go AWAY!”she screamed, shooing them away with a swipe of her hand. She accidentally hit one as she reeled her hand back, throwing one of the tiny pebbles to the floor. Spinel’s hands flew to her mouth, fresh tears rising to her eyes as she realized what she had done.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I didn’t mean to do that_ I’m sorry_,”she sobbed, rushing to the pebble’s side. The pebble appeared unharmed but dazed, rolling over from her landing position on the floor to give Spinel a shaky thumbs up. The other pebbles quickly gathered around their injured comrade and pulled the tiny body back into their hiding place under the floor before Spinel could further apologize, the concern in their eyes from earlier replaced completely by fear. Spinel felt her gem sink in her chest at the sight.

Spinel buried her face in her hands. Stupid stupid _stupid._ Always messing things up, always hurting people who didn’t deserve to get hurt. Blue Diamond was probably going to go tell Yellow and White to send her back to Earth where they had found her now. She had messed up, she wasn’t good enough to be a friend even to some pebbles, much less a diamond. They were going to leave her now. She deserved to be left behind, with how many second chances she had gotten and thrown away. Spinel felt her legs sink to the floor, imaginary vines creeping up her legs, pulling her down, rooting her to where she was. She held herself, willing them to leave her alone, but they held strong and fast, a permanent anchor on her legs. Helpless to escape, helpless to lash out at anyone else when there was no one left she hadn’t hurt, she sank to the ground and cried.

Blue, having no idea what was going on, slowly made her way to Pink’s former room, hoping to find her little pink friend. She found the small gem curled into a literal ball in the corner, her limbs wrapped multiple times around her body in a tight, tangled mess.

“May I come in, little one?”Blue asked from the doorway. When she was answered with silence, Blue tentatively ducked her head in the doorway and entered. She kneeled down next to the little ball, reaching a finger out to rub the tension out of the little gem.

Spinel accepted it, feeling Blue’s finger stroke her back soothingly as she tried in vain to wipe the sudden tears spilling down her face. _Blue came back._ She had come looking for her, even though Spinel had run away. The realization brought a rush of relief through Spinel’s form. Her arms and legs retracted, little by little. The vines of her imagination shrank with her tension, but she remained pinned to the floor.

“S-sorry. I don’t know where that came from,”she managed to get out, so Blue wouldn’t worry. The finger gently rubbing her back continued its ministrations. Spinel concentrated on the sensations, letting Blue’s comforting touch lull her back into a sense of security and stability slowly but surely. She had to get it together.

“You frightened me, dear. You looked so unfocused, like you weren’t quite here. Did something I said upset you?”

“No,”Spinel lied automatically with a shake of her pigtails.

“Don’t lie to me, sweetheart.”

“You’ll throw me away if I tell you.” She didn’t want to cry in front of Blue, but Spinel couldn’t help her voice breaking at the end, tears rising unbidden to her eyes that Blue couldn’t see with Spinel’s back turned away from her. The finger on her back froze as Blue stared at her, shocked by such a statement.

“I would never!”she replied emphatically. Spinel only curled more tightly into herself. Blue tried again, but Spinel wasn’t responding, only curling more and more tightly into herself. Spinel heard Blue shift, the floor shaking as she readjusted her sitting position. Two fingers came up to gently pet Spinel’s head. Spinel didn’t turn around, but she did allow her hand to sit on top of the giant thumb sticking out next to her.

“We don’t have to talk if you’re upset, darling. Why don’t we share stories, instead?” Spinel steadied herself with a breath. Stories. If nothing else, it was a distraction. She could listen, at least.

“You first,”she muttered, tightening her arms around her knees. Blue thought a moment.

“Have I told you about the time when Pink pranked the ruby guards? It was mid-Era one, and she”-

-“I don’t want a story about _her_,”Spinel interrupted. Spinel’s eyes squeezed shut, closed to the pink surrounding her. Everything in this whole palace was a reminder of her already – she didn’t need another one. Not from Blue, and not right now.

“Oh. Well, then…What about a story about Steven? Have we told you about the trial we put him on? Poor thing, what a misunderstanding,”she said with a small giggle.

“I don’t want a story about her _son_, either,”Spinel snapped, then quickly amended her tone, “Tell me a story about you. That doesn’t involve Pink.”

“About….me?” Blue faltered, taken back by the request. She thought a moment. A few seconds passed, then a full minute. Blue began to look embarrassed as the silence grew. Though Spinel would never say so out loud, it was apparent that Blue had no sense of self outside of loving and missing Pink. Spinel couldn’t blame her, though. She wasn’t the only one.

Blue continued to absently rub Spinel’s back as she thought, staring down at the little pink gem who bore Pink’s exact colors. She looked so much like her, Blue couldn’t help but think. Curled up in her room, crying over something insensitive Blue or Yellow had inevitably said. But Spinel hadn’t started looking so upset until after Blue had said as much earlier, so she knew she shouldn’t say so now, for fear of making her little darling cry again.

“…Only one story comes to mind when I see you like this, darling. It’s one of me and Yellow. Steven is in it, too, though. May I tell it anyway?” Spinel hesitated, resting her head on her kneecaps. She nodded.

“Once upon a time,”Blue started with a small smile that Spinel didn’t see – they always started their stories that way. “About a year ago, Steven came for one of his regular visits. The four of us were talking together in the throne room. Steven was going over plans with Yellow to safely disband her armies without protest from the established colonies. They had been talking for a while when he suddenly looked at me, and asked if I needed help organizing a retreat with my colonies as well. White scoffed and told Steven I didn’t need help because I had wasted all of Era 2 grieving and throwing a ‘pity party,’ and that my colonies had already fallen into disarray from neglect. Steven reprimanded her, of course, because we were supposed to be a family now and families don’t ‘put each other down,’ as he put it. But it was no less true.” She paused, looking down at the little gem, who still had her back to her but had at least turned her head to show she was listening.

“Yellow confronted me about it later, when Steven had left. She said…we were all leaving something behind, to make our family whole again. Yellow was leaving something behind too. She was giving up the colonies and her part of the empire she had helped build….She asked if I was ready to leave behind the tears of the past and move forward with her, and White, together, like we were always meant to. She sat me down and told me enough was enough. Pink was gone, but Steven was still here. I needed to stop mourning and live for myself, and for my family again. And more than that, I needed to stop forcing everyone around me to mourn with me. I made a promise to her that day, that I would never make anyone cry ever again, and that I was done crying over Pink, too.” Spinel kept her eyes closed as she listened. The finger rubbing her back had stopped. The vines had been forgotten, the apparitions melted away in the soft cadence of Blue’s voice.

“I can’t help but think I’ve already broken that promise when I look at you like this, darling…,”Blue admitted softly, “Did I make you cry over her?” Spinel immediately shook her head, her pigtails dancing left to right.

“No,”she said immediately, “And this doesn’t count against your promise. You didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know what, dear?”

“That I _hate_ Pink.” Spinel was glad she still had her back turned, so she wouldn’t have to see the shocked look on Blue’s face when the truth finally hit.

“You only have good memories of Pink,”Spinel started, the truth spilling out now as a fresh wave of tears rose and fell down her cheeks, “And I have some good memories, too. But _she hurt me_. And that makes the good memories just feel like lies. We’re nothing alike, Blue, even though I wish we were. I’m not grieving like you are. I’m not sad that she’s gone. I’m _angry_ with her, and I hate her and I hate what she did to me.”

“…Is…that what you were afraid to tell me?”Blue asked quietly. Spinel nodded stiffly, her shoulders shaking.

“Darling…just two years ago I learned that the treasure of my life faked her own shattering so she could abandon me and the rest of her family to live with an entirely different species instead. _Of course I understand_,”she said softly as she touched Spinel’s back, and finally – finally – Spinel turned around to look at her, “If I didn’t have you and Steven, I think I might prefer the story that she had been shattered by a rogue Rose Quartz rather than face the truth that she didn’t want to be with me anymore. She hurt me, too, love. And I….” Blue paused as, try as she might, tears filled her eyes. Spinel suddenly found her vision all but flooded with liquid as Blue’s powers passed over her.

“…I’m sorry if I repeated past mistakes by forcing my grief on you.” Spinel sat fully facing her, again shaking her head.

“I already told you, it doesn’t count. You didn’t know. I didn’t know, either, that you felt that way.”

“This probably does, though,”Blue said with a wet smile.

“Not if all of this stays our secret,”Spinel replied, returning the grin.

“Deal.” The two gems beamed down at each other, the cathartic release ringing a pleasant silence in the air between them. Spinel slowly stood up, the vines and the pink of the room forgotten, focused as she was on Blue.

“Can I give you a hug, my Diamond?”

“I was just going to ask for one, my darling.” Spinel grinned, curling her legs into springs and leaping into the air. Her arms stretched outward like grappling hooks, looping around Blue’s neck and zipping the rest of Spinel’s lithe body to her collar. Blue touched Spinel’s back gently as her body hung down her neck like a necklace, her hands wrapped tight around her neck. She felt safe again. Guarded by a loving hand, comforted by a secret that they alone shared now. Spinel was safe here.


	3. The Pearls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a filler chapter that I couldn't decide where else to place. I think it's important that Spinel connects with gems not related to Pink. Ideally, she would surround herself with a community of people - maybe Little Homeworld gems as well as the Crystal Gems. For the purposes of this story, though, I will only be focused on the diamonds and their pearls.

Chapter 3: The Pearls

Spinel wasn't making the progress she needed to be. She put on the best show of her life for the diamonds, plastic smiles hiding how utterly broken she felt inside. Her jokes were loud and desperate, begging for a positive reaction, intent as she was for some assurance that she was liked and wanted. Her head spun constantly with the fear that she wasn't doing and being enough for her new adoptive family. They were going to come to their senses any day now and leave her. She collapsed into a puddle of tears the moment she was alone, unable to sit with herself for more than a few moments without dissolving into a fit that only the pebbles were privy to witness. The fear of the diamonds abandoning her ate at her constantly.

She loved the pebbles, and they insisted that they forgave her for her earlier outburst, but she began to start avoiding Pink's room. The place was too painful, too full of memories that she wished she could simply forget. The palace was huge, and although members of the diamonds' court occasionally frequented the enormous, diamond-sized halls, Spinel always managed to find a remote place to have a private break down. She would curl into herself and hold her head in her hands until the tears would stop. If they wouldn't, she would begin pulling at her form, her fingers digging into her arms, her chest, or more frequently her hair, the tension on her skin or scalp not even half the punishment she deserved for being such a stupid, worthless, purposeless gem. She felt the ever-constant tug to perform, to entertain, pulling her like a magnet to the diamonds - always performing, always making sure they were laughing and happy with her. If they weren't happy, then she was failing. They told her how cute and funny she was, and it was everything she wanted to hear and everything she was afraid to hear at the same time. Building up their relationship. Getting her hopes up. Making her feel loved and cared for, only to take it all away.

Because they could. They could and they should, Spinel constantly reminded herself. She was a broken gem without an owner living in a palace made for beings who were supposed to be perfect. Sooner or later they would get tired of the facades and acts. Sooner or later, they would come to their senses, and realize what fools they had been to let a worthless, garbage Spinel live here in their perfect world. They would leave her like Pink did when she realized Spinel had no use for her anymore, and then-

"Spinel?" Not even her name could pull Spinel out of the dark spiral she had grown so used to falling into. It wasn't until a small pink hand touched her shoulder that Spinel finally turned around, snapped back into the present. White Diamond's repurposed pearl stood over her, a hand hesitantly reaching out for her. Her one good eye looked down on her with intense concern.

"Oh dear. Spinel, what's wrong?" Spinel quickly wiped her eyes. She had hid in a remote, unused part of the palace. She was surprised Pink Pearl had managed to find her.

"It's nothing. I'm…fine,"she answered unconvincingly.

"Piiiink! Did you find her?"a familiar voice called out from the distance.

"Oh, um, yes! We're here!" Spinel held back a groan, realizing she was about to be found out by more than one witness. Sure enough, a moment later, Yellow Pearl poked her head through the doorway.

"Ohhhh! Bluuuuue! We found her!" Spinel wished she could disappear as Blue Pearl joined them and all three of the diamonds' pearls suddenly crowded her, all at once asking her where she had been for so long, why she was crying, and 'didn't she know how long the diamonds had been looking for her?' Spinel's hands covered her face, her tears re-marking the oily black lines on her cheeks through the cracks of her fingers.

She was never close with any of the pearls. Even 6,000 years ago, the pearls were duty-bound to their diamonds – no time for fun and games. They served a purpose, and that purpose was to carry out their diamonds' orders with all the seriousness that Spinel could never really relate to back then. The most fun she had had with them was when Spinel would try to mess with them, interrupt their chores, distract them from their duties, just to see how fast they would snap at her and shoo her away. If memory served her right, Yellow Pearl had always been her favorite to tease. Sometimes Yellow Pearl would even chase her if she got her mad enough. That had been Spinel's favorite.

But she had noticed a change in the pearls as well as the diamonds upon her return. They talked, for one. They were less inhibited with their interactions with each other, almost treating each other like friends – even in the presence of their diamonds, no less. When their respective diamonds had learned to relaxed, they inevitably had, too. They had changed over the years, as Spinel had. Spinel barely knew them now.

Spinel slowly lowered her hands when Pink Pearl's hand once again found its way to her shoulder. Five eyes looked down at her, so sad and pitiful that it made Spinel's skin crawl. She was pathetic, and she knew she looked it. At last she wiped the last of her tears away.

"Would you all quit looking at me like some poor kicked pebble? I'm fine. Sorry I worried your diamonds. I'll go back now,"Spinel snapped, slowly untangling herself from her limbs and rising unsteadily to her feet.

"May we…assist you in any way?"Pink Pearl asked slowly, holding out her hand in offering. Spinel sniffed and wiped her eyes, shooing the hand away.

"Yeah, you can forget you ever saw this,"Spinel answered coldly, not looking at them.

"Ah, of course…um…what I mean is…Is there something we can do to make you feel better? Shall I sing for you? Or dance, or entertain you?" Spinel stared, dumbfounded by the request. For a moment, she saw herself. Innocent and naïve, playing the role that she was made for like the good puppet that she was. A servant. An entertainer. Always beneath someone, never their equal. Not like a real friend would be…

As Spinel couldn't help but stare at Pink Pearl's broken eye, the pin dropped. Pearl had paid the price for being Pink's puppet, too, and the proof was on her face. And here Spinel was, back in the arms of another diamond – three, no less. Defective and broken, just like Pink Pearl was. Spinel couldn't help but laugh, softly at first, then louder.

"Did I say something funny?"Pink asked, cocking her head to the side.

"What,"Spinel started, just managing to get the rest out through her laughter, "What the stars is wrong with you all? I'm a _spinel._The diamonds have their pearls running around the palace looking for a faulty lower life-form like me, like I'm worth anything more than some common quartz. It's _funny,_ right? I used to chase you all around all those years ago, wasting your time with those stupid games, and now you're here, wasting your time and chasing me around all over again. Nothing's changed. We're all the _same as we used to be_. We're all just slaves to some diamond who's inevitably going to hurt us in the end. I couldn't come up with a better routine if I tried. It's so…_ironic_." Her hands rose to hold her face again, fresh tears sprouting in the corners of her eyes as she began to laugh louder, cry harder. For all her efforts to collect herself, she found herself sinking back to the floor, holding her face in her hands once again. Why couldn't she just get it together?

"I'm sorry,"she choked out after a solid minute of crying with the pearls not knowing how to react or respond to such a confusing and open display of emotion, "I don't know what to do with all these feelings. I know you're just trying to be nice. I don't need you to fake concern for your diamond's sake, though, or treat me weird just because I've been spending a lot of time with them .You guys probably hate me, for all the pranks I pulled on you back then, and for all the time I waste with your diamonds now. I'd rather you hate me for real than pretend to be nice. Please, just…don't pretend with me. I'd rather know if people don't want me around then be played a fool." Her fists again rose to her forehead, pulling her hair hard in front of her face, willing it to rip off her scalp. Blue Pearl stepped up to stop her this time, placing a gentle hand over hers and holding her hand down with surprising force.

"I liked when you chased me back then,"Blue said in her soft voice." Spinel looked up, surprised.

_"Huh?"_

"You were silly. I was never permitted to behave in such a way. You provided me with a welcome reprieve from my daily duties,"she explained, her tone as monotonous as ever even though her words were warm. Spinel stared at her, surprised by her admittance. "I didn't know what fun was until very recently, but…the games you played. That _was_ fun. _I_ had fun." Spinel stared at Blue Pearl. This was the first time Spinel had really even spoken to Blue Pearl. It had always been hard to read her, with her hair covering her eyes all the time. She was always so stoic and stalwart – not much fun to play with back then. But Spinel had matured enough to see gems as more than just 'fun to play with' or 'not fun to play with.' Blue's admission was sweet, if not unexpected.

"Oh _stars,_ not me,"Yellow Pearl drawled, breaking Spinel from her surprise, "I couldn't get a thing done with you around back then. You were soooo aggravating, sneaking up behind me, blocking my screen, doing silly flips and handstands until I shooed you away." Spinel couldn't help the tiny smile that broke over her teary face at the memory. That was right, Yellow Pearl had been fun to prank. By the disapproving scowl on Yellow's face, Spinel could tell that Yellow still hadn't forgiven her for a few of her stunts. The thought wasn't as upsetting as Spinel thought it would be, though. It felt familiar, like trying on an old childhood item of clothing and finding it still fit. Yellow had always been exasperated with Spinel, but it was a superficial annoyance, tinged with tolerant familiarity. Spinel knew Yellow didn't hate her. If she really had a problem with it, she would have complained to her diamond to talk to Pink about it, but she never had. Spinel liked to think that Yellow Pearl had secretly enjoyed the attention.

"You also have less reason to get so worked up if you are distracted, Yellow. You don't have as much work to do as you did in Era 1," Blue reminded her quietly.

"I…never met you as myself. But you made my diamond – my true diamond - happy, and that makes me happy,"Pink Pearl confided, drawing Spinel's attention, "When I was repurposed and brought back to myself two years ago, I worried that I had forgotten too much, that I had not been myself for too long. But Yellow and Blue Pearl helped me remember the time I had lost, and they have been friends to me when so many former friends had been shattered or lost during the gem war. Spinel…" Pink Pearl paused, her cheeks staining a dark pink. "I have been meaning to tell you…. I am glad you are home. I loved the time I had with our diamond. I know you may have mixed feelings, but nevertheless, you are a very happy reminder of that time. Even though we've both changed and we both look different now, I'm glad to be surrounded by familiar faces and…familiar colors again. I hope we can be friends, now that both of us are free from our diamonds." She looked in turn at Blue and Yellow, smiling hopefully for their approval. Yellow frowned.

"Don't speak of your diamond as if she was someone you wanted to be free of. Besides, you swore your service to White after we were freed." Pink Pearl shrugged.

"I know, but that's because I wanted to. Spinel is likely glad to be free of her diamond, all things considering. We all have mixed feelings toward Pink. Even you,"Pink Pearl stated gently, "You told me her loss made your diamond suffer for eons."

"Yes, but that doesn't mean I say so out loud!"Yellow Pearl hissed. Blue chimed in.

"I'm glad that Blue Diamond gets to talk about it. Since Steven came, she has been much happier. She doesn't cry anymore, and neither do I. Talking about Pink, the good and the bad, have made the Diamonds much happier than always being sad and never talking ever did. So I think it's okay if we do too." She paused, and Spinel assumed she was staring at her through her bangs, because she turned her body toward her.

"You should talk to them, too. If it will make you feel better."

"Or to us, if you like,"Pink Pearl added with a small smile, then quickly added "Not out of fake concern, though. _I_ would like us to be friends. After all…you, me, and Steven are all that are left of Pink." Pearl smiled, the corner of her mouth on her broken side not quite connecting. Spinel couldn't help but stare at the asymmetry, sympathy tugging at her gem.

"If it'll get you to stop that abhorrent crying,"Yellow Pearl said with a wave of her hand, "Just so long as you don't get in my way like you used to." Blue shot her what Spinel assumed to be a disapproving look. It was an offer, though, nonetheless, and Spinel couldn't help but smile wetly at Yellow's attempt at nonchalant discontent. There wasn't any malice in Yellow's voice. Just annoyance. Spinel could live with that.

"Don't act like you wouldn't be happy for the company,"Pink reminded her, "The agate and topaz guards only have so much to say, and your diamond doesn't always need you every moment now that her colonies have been liberated."

"It's true,"Yellow Pearl conceded with a shake of her head, "Why, I'm even trying this 'fun' thing out that Steven recommends to pass the time." She clapped her hands together, as if just realizing something. "Oh, you should try it, Spinel. Maybe an alternative to…whatever it was you were doing before. Although I suppose… most everything must seem fun to _you_." Spinel chose to ignore the snarky tone, shooting Yellow an unamused look. She crossed her arms over her chest, her grief temporarily forgotten.

"You? Yellow Diamond's pearl? Having _fun_?"Spinel asked, a disbelieving smile curling at her lips, "The one that threw a tantrum when I moved all of Yellow Diamond's communicators one inch to the right?"

"That was and still is HIGHLY inappropriate!"Yellow exclaimed, her small hands balling into fists at her side. Blue and Pink held back snickers of their own.

"I dunno, some jokes never get old, you know. I could always recycle a prank or two,"Spinel said, a tiny laugh rising to the surface, watching Yellow stomp her foot in indignation. Pink couldn't help but laugh out loud at the sight, and Blue smiled wide.

"Maybe I can assist you with the next one?"Blue suggested, leaning in to whisper in Spinel's ear loudly enough that Spinel couldn't tell if she wanted Yellow to hear or not. Apparently she did.

"_BLUE!_" Everyone but Yellow laughed, the yellow gem's indignant and overly dramatic reaction only adding fuel to the fire. Spinel felt herself relax a little around them as the laughter eased some of the tension from her limbs.

"So what _do_ you guys do for fun, then?"she asked, looking between them. She couldn't help but land her gaze on Yellow Pearl, curious. Fun was, after all, not something Spinel had ever associated with this particular gem.

"Oh why, I model for Blue's drawings!"Yellow exclaimed, striking an elegant pose, "And recently I have taken up writing. Yellow Diamond graciously allows me to keep personal files aside on my screen for such purpose even when I am documenting her proceedings."

"Writing? Writing what?"

"I tell regaling accounts of my diamond's exploits,"she explained, puffing out her chest, "There is no greater source material, of course. The action, the drama! I recount the most gruesome and heroic of her battles in intricate detail. With some embellishments for artistic taste." She grinned triumphantly, quite proud of herself.

"Whoa, really?"Spinel asked breathlessly, her mouth forming a perfect 'O.' "I love the stories Yellow Diamond tells about her colony conquests. She's so cool!" Spinel couldn't help the ecstatic grin spread across her face, her tears momentarily forgotten. Yellow Pearl flushed, pleased by the praise for her former diamond.

"Has she graced you with the tale of the battle of the five cru"-

-"The five crumbling spires? That's my _favorite!_ Did you write about it?"

"Only in perfect prose,"Yellow flattered herself with a cheeky grin, "That story deserves no less, after all." Spinel couldn't help but bounce a little on her feet.

"Can I read it?" Yellow tapped her chin in thought, her smile betraying her nonchalance.

"Hmm…I suppose I could sneak preview a _small _sample,"Yellow replied, appearing quite appeased that Spinel had taken such an interest in her hobby, "Provided you leave my diamond's communicators alone." Spinel was surprised at her own interest, too. She and Yellow Pearl had never really…talked, beyond yelling and chasing each other. This was…strange, but nice.

"Deal,"Spinel agreed with a wide grin.

Spinel cast a glance at Blue, feeling a little braver now.

"You draw?" Blue Pearl nodded, her smile betraying what her eyes could not.

"Oh, yes, my diamond has allowed me to draw on occasion for the last few hundred years. I do so regularly now,"she explained, "Steven even brought me what Earthlings call 'paint' one time when he visited. It is a primitive form of mixing pigments made from organic materials to create a wet color paste. He showed me how to use it. It is very calming." Spinel looked at Pink Pearl expectantly.

"Oh! I…enjoy hair dressing. There is something fun about changing form by hand. Blue has been an accommodating model,"Pink said, then paused as she considered Spinel for a moment, "Although, your hair is quite long, too. Perhaps you would be willing to indulge me sometime, when you're available?"

"Me?"Spinel asked, pointing to herself. Pink nodded with a smile. Spinel flushed at the offer. Someone…wanted to spend time with her? Even after they had just seen her at her most pathetic, breaking down and crying like a human child?

"Spinel, what do you like to do for fun now?" Blue asked. Spinel didn't have an answer. Did she like anything? She hadn't been allowed to do anything for the last six thousand years except stand still. She tried to remember the last time any particular activity had brought her any semblance of joy. Were the games she played what made her happy, or was pleasing Pink what made her happy? Had Spinel ever really been happy before? What had she done when Pink wasn't able to play with her?

Wait for her to come back. Spinel felt a chill run through her form as she looked between the three pearls. Pearls, who, despite being one of the lowest ranking gem forms, designed only for servitude, had managed to find some form of purpose outside of their designated roles. And they looked happy. That's what hit Spinel the hardest, as she looked at each of their smiling faces. They had something they could turn to for joy, outside of their need to please their diamonds. Spinel didn't even have that. Yet.

"I…I don't know. I've never done anything fun just for me…,"Spinel said contemplatively.

"Pink and I were always discouraged from having 'fun.' It wasn't proper, for a diamond to act outside of the regular order,"Pink Pearl started, "It is…strange that individual differences and interests are now much more accepted. I don't think many gems know what to do with themselves now, either. But we are figuring out how, day by day. Perhaps you will, too." She offered Spinel an optimistic smile.

"We can always try new activities together, if it helps,"Blue offered. Spinel's eyes widened, surprised by such an offer.

"What a great idea, Blue! Of course! Come to the pearl quarters when you're free, Spinel,"Pink exclaimed, bouncing a little on her feet, "Let's catch up and get to know each other again, shall we?" The other two pearls nodded their agreement. Spinel stared blankly between the three of them, her tears gone and her gem aching with a foreign warmth she couldn't name. The pearls…wanted her to visit? They had asked her to visit them…Pink Pearl had even said she wanted to be friends with her. In all her existence, nobody had ever asked Spinel to be friends. She was built for it, made with the assumption that everyone was a friend. She had been proven wrong on several fronts. So when she realized that this time, the offer was genuine and deliberately voluntary, she didn't know what to do with it. Didn't know what to do except cry some more.

"Oh dear, not _again_,"Yellow Pearl sighed dramatically, exasperated.

"I'm okay,"she assured her, her smile betraying what these tears were really for, "Thanks, guys. I'll…come say hi later, if that's still okay."

"Please do,"Blue Pearl encouraged softly.

"Yes, yes, you're welcome, but right now, our diamonds have been looking for you for _ages_!"Yellow Pearl pushed. Spinel nodded, letting the pearls follow her back out onto the main hallway of the East wing. They walked shoulder to shoulder, letting Spinel walk next to them between Blue and Pink. Spinel smiled to herself, for the first time in a long time being able to keep up with someone the same size as her, feeling included in something in a way she hadn't felt in a long time.

"Don't you guys dare tell the diamonds about what I was doing,"Spinel said as they approached the throne room. Her gaze landed on Yellow Pearl, shooting her a look, "I mean it. Or I'll move more than just Yellow Diamond's communicators." Pearl stuck up her nose in the air.

"Don't _you_ dare. Or you'll never get a word of the battle of Xexier."

"Ouch. Stalemate,"Spinel said with a tiny laugh. Her expression hardened as they paused outside the door. "But seriously? Please?" The Pearls exchanged hesitant glances with each other.

"They wouldn't punish us if we refused, would they? If they asked directly?"Pink Pearl started nervously. Spinel saw her eye twitch as she spoke, and felt a pang of empathy. Pink Pearl knew what it meant to be hurt. Spinel could understand her hesitancy.

"It's not as if we _have_ to tell them now…,"Blue Pearl trailed off softly. Yellow Pearl furrowed her brow, unamused.

"Oh, what do you take us for, the palace gossip? Go on, now, the diamonds are waiting!" Taking this as an affirmative, Spinel shot them a grateful smile.

"…Thanks, guys. For...everything,"she said, and stars_,_ did she mean it. "I'll see you guys later?" Blue smiled and nodded.

"Of course. Feel better, Spinel,"Pink Pearl said with a wave.

Spinel waved the three pearls goodbye as the diamonds spent several minutes hounding her about where she had been and why she had been away for so long. The pearls resumed their posts next to their diamonds, and Spinel hers. Spinel looked down at the three pearls from her vantage point in the diamond's hand and released a long sigh of relief. Maybe the diamonds would get sick of her like Spinel feared, and maybe not. But there was at least some relief in the idea that Spinel wouldn't be totally and completely alone if they did. She caught Pink Pearl's eye and managed a weak smile in her direction. Someone had wanted her around. She had been invited to hang out with them later. Against all odds, she was broadening her support circle, filling in the holes in her heart that was convinced that she was unlikable, unlovable, beyond all hope for reconciliation. She closed her eyes and trusted that, at least for this moment, she was okay. She would get there. She would find what it meant to be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I had all the time in the world for this fic, I'd write a big ol' group slumber party chapter and/or chapters for each individual pearl for Spinel to bond with. She needs all the support. In lieu of that, though, here's a doodle I did last month:
> 
> https://ladylore97.tumblr.com/post/188291316440/have-some-doodles-of-spinel-having-a-loving


	4. Yellow Diamond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the wait! I usually try to have a new chapter out by the weekend, but given that I just doubled this fic's word count with this chapter alone, I'd say this is an exception, haha. I definitely struggled with Yellow Diamond's chapter, so any feedback would be appreciated. Spinel has a ruthless side to her that I think Yellow could appreciate. Maybe I could have come up with a shorter way to draw it out, but I'm only giving myself a short time for this fic so I can focus on other things afterward, and I wanted to fit as many relationship-building as I could in this chapter.

Chapter 4: Yellow Diamond

"Spinel?" The throne room rung with the reverberations of Yellow Diamond's voice and the loud clicks of her heels. Somewhere between the third and fourth echo, she heard it: the unmistakably squeak of a certain gem's shoes. Yellow smiled.

"Well, I suppose she's not here, either. I'll just be on my way!"she called out loudly, making a show of turning around to leave. As expected, as soon as she began walking forward, a flash of pink zoomed in and out of her peripherals. Suddenly Spinel was hanging upside down in front of Yellow's eyes.

"Got you!"Spinel announced, stretching her hand and playfully booping Yellow's nose.

"You got me,"Yellow admitted defeat with an affectionate smile. Spinel's pigtails swung back and forth sweetly from her hiding place above her, her arms dangling and her smile wide and genuine. From this angle, Yellow couldn't help but notice that her gem faced right-side up. The sight made her smile.

"Now that was a good one. How did you manage to find such a good spot?" Spinel snickered.

"Silly diamonds, you guys are so used to looking down, you never think to look up!"

"That's because I've never had the need. Few gems in my court can fly. Pink could float, but even she couldn't stand to sit still and stay quiet for very long."

"Pink wasn't playing to _win_,"Spinel said proudly, puffing up her chest and placing her hands on her hips in a dramatic power pose. All Spinel's hot air was lost as Yellow suddenly blew hard, whooshing Spinel outward and making her squeal with delight as she flew. They did that for a while, Spinel's tiny body flying outward with a puff of air, then swinging back like a pendulum for Yellow to do it again. When Spinel's legs began slipping, she untied them from the top of the room's chandelier, righting herself mid-air and landing on Yellow's broad shoulder pads.

"Heehee, that was fun! What should we do next?" Yellow's expression fell, already looking apologetic.

"I unfortunately have a meeting to attend to..." Spinel appeared to deflate in front of her, her pigtails hanging low, her energy visibly sapped by this news.

"But…Blue and White are busy today, too…,"Spinel said disappointedly. If the diamonds were busy, that meant the pearls would be busy, too. The worry was already starting to settle. Spinel was already preparing herself for a day by herself, and she already knew it would put her in a bad place.

"As am I, I'm afraid,"Yellow said with an apologetic look, "It shouldn't be long, but it is important, Spinel. Our empire may be free, but there is still need for protection from hostile forces. A small rebellion has broken out in one of my former colonies, and our Homeworld forces wait for my instructions to dismantle the skirmish before it escelates. Pearl has agreed to assist me with the call." Spinel's eyes widened in interest.

"Can I come with you?"she asked, "Please don't leave me by myself, my Diamond. I'll be really good! Please please _please_." Yellow paused, considering the request. There was a genuine note of desperation in Spinel's voice that couldn't be ignored, and Yellow was not so cruel as to deny the sweet little gem a place by her side.

"Only if you promise to stay quiet during the transmission call. No games." Spinel jumped up excitedly, punching the air in glee. Yellow smiled affectunately at the sight. Spinel was so truly happy to spend any time with her. Yellow had been feared and respected by gems for most of her existence. Other than Blue and sometimes Pink, Yellow had never met another gem who was so sincerely and openly loved sharing her company.

"I promise! I'll be real good – you won't even know I'm there!"Spinel exclaimed with a grin. Yellow couldn't help but wonder if Spinel would keep that promise. After all, Pink had promised much the same but had never been able to sit still for very long – inevitably interrupting meetings and embarrassing Yellow on more than one account with her silly antics. It had taken a few thousand years of punishments for Pink to finally learn her place in a meeting room. Would Yellow have to resort to old ways for Spinel, too, if she misbehaved? She looked over at the tiny pink gem on her shoulder, grinning from ear to ear just from the mere idea of getting to spend time with Yellow. Her tear marks stretched wide around her smile – a permanent reminder of the tears she had already cried from punishments already enforced. Yellow looked away, suddenly ashamed at the thought of being the source of more tears than she already had been. She hoped Spinel would behave herself.

As Yellow stepped into her communication hub, Spinel deftly hopped off Yellow's shoulder to sit cross-legged at the edge of Yellow's armrest, well out of the communicator's frame, and without needing to be asked, either. Spinel had a lot of experience being still and waiting. But this time, she got to stay with Yellow and be a part of her day! Spinel couldn't help rocking happily back and forth a little or the wide grin on her face, as much as she tried to stay completely still. This felt so much different than before, where Pink hid her away in the garden from everything to do with Homeworld and her diamond duties. Now her diamond was letting her be by her side in her regular routine now and be a part of something that other gems didn't get to be. It made Spinel feel special.

"Set up the call, Pearl,"Yellow commanded.

"Yes, my..uh, Yellow Diamond." Two years hadn't made the habit any less hard to break. Spinel remained unmoving, but from the corner of her eye she could make out Yellow Pearl thumbing away at her screen, her fingers dancing elegantly with practiced ease. Her fingers itched to tease Pearl with a tap on the shoulder, just to get a rise out of her for old time's sake. But she remained still as promised. Another time.

A large diamond-shaped screen lit up the room with a brilliant yellow light. Spinel saw Yellow Diamond square her shoulders and look into the camera with all the seriousness and fierceness that she never wore in front of Spinel. Spinel couldn't help but stare as a flustered Heliodor on the other line made her report. _This_ was the Yellow Diamond that Spinel remembered from the past. Fire in her eyes, determination in her gait, and a natural leader with her words.

"My illustrious Diamond,"a dark golden heliodor saluted on the other side of the screen. "My report. Six gems who escaped our evacuation last year insist on remaining on the colony Xorox – two citrines, three carnelians, and a rhodonite. As of now, they are resistant to any retrieval attempts and are threatening to attack the natives if we do not agree to their terms." Spinel turned her head a little toward the screen, intrigued. This was…really neat. Pink had always complained about how boring Yellow's conference calls were. This wasn't boring at all, though. Spinel was glued to the screen, following Heliodor's every word. Yellow looked so cool and regal, Spinel thought admiringly. For a moment she forgot her insecurities and fears. Sitting next to Yellow, sharing her fire and electricity, Spinel felt invincible.

"Have they acted on any of these threats?"Yellow questioned.

"Y-yes, my Diamond," Heliodor stammered, looking flustered to be delivering bad news, "They have taken several hostages. Their terms demand that you grant them independence from Homeworld in exchange for the hostage's lives."

"Hmph. Their terms are denied. We will waste no time with negotiations. Ready the home fleet, Heliodor. They are receiving their orders now to accompany you and stop this rebellion,"Yellow stated evenly as she worked her way through her screen with collected confidence. Pearl was also hard at work, sending messages to the appropriate channels.

"The grid, Pearl." Pearl appeared to know already what Yellow was referring to, because a moment later a three-dimensional map was on Yellow's screen showing the layout of the colony and the surrounding atmosphere. Spinel studied it, her eyes following Yellow's movements across the screen. A beacon indicated where the rogue gems were located, somewhere on the planet's southern hemisphere.

"The citrines will be your most difficult obstacle. They are trained long-distance shooters, and their aim is unfortunately dead-on. You must dispatch them first to have any hope of engaging in close combat." Spinel watched Yellow move across the screen, pinpointing their location and dragging her fingers to get a 360-degree view of the planet layout. The rebels were shown to be hiding in a rock crevice, backed by a high mountain range and fronted by an open expanse without any hiding places to ambush. A perfect defense. Spinel studied the map as Yellow continued giving orders. She couldn't help but imagine herself down there, using her own powers to create hiding places where other gems wouldn't be able to, sling-shotting herself from point A, stretching to point B, constricting her shape at point C. It would be so _easy_ for her.

"My Diamond, there are no defensible positions."

"Yes there are. The planet's moon orbits three times in one planet rotation. When it is in position, wait on the moon and use the ship to lock on to the citrines and destabilize them from the ship. You can then close in to take out the others and rescue the hostages."

"The time it would take to wait for the moon to be in position might be problematic. This would give the rebels time to move locations if they saw us." Heliodor had the sense to look a little embarrassed for challenging Yellow's judgement, and quickly saluted with a rushed, "my Diamond."

"Then you'd best be sure you aren't _seen_ before then,"Yellow stated dryly, a subtle threat laced in her words.

"O-of course. Also…um. The moon is just outside of the ship's accuracy range. There is a small chance that it will not hit the target, potentially endangering the hostages." Yellow's brow furrowed, her hand coming up to ponder over her chin.

Spinel was listening carefully, her eyes dancing across the screen, her mouth hanging slightly open in awe of everything she was privy to witness. She didn't know what compelled her to do it. She was looking at Yellow frowning at the screen, old pulls to make her friends happy compelling her hand to slowly raise itself until she got Yellow's attention, ever mindful of the command to stay quiet. Yellow saw her out of the corner of her eye and frowned. Spinel looked imploringly at Yellow, having the sense to look embarrassed as she retracted her hand back until it was just at eye level.

"…Pause the transmission."

"Y-yes,"Pearl obeyed, casting a nervous glance at Spinel. What was Spinel thinking? They had only started spending more time together fairly recently, but that didn't mean she wanted to see the gem punished. Surely she would be reprimanded for interrupting Yellow's call and violating a direct order. By the look on Spinel's face, she was starting to realize it, too.

"What did I say, Spinel?" Yellow's voice was sharp and angrier than Spinel was used to, her sharp eyes staring daggers at the smaller gem. She was ready for some ridiculous response, some silly joke that Pink would have interrupted her for. And at any other time, Yellow would have welcomed the little gem's jokes and laughter, but she had trusted Spinel to not repeat Pink's mistakes by staying quiet this one time.

"Um,"Spinel started, momentarily paralyzed by the fear of failing another diamond she loved, "It's just…t-there's another way." Yellow blinked.

"What?"

"There's another way,"Spinel said, a little louder, "If there's no closer defensible position, you can make one." When Yellow didn't react with anger, Spinel continued. "The planet's crust is made of regolith, which is made of loosely compacted dust and rock, right?" She stretched her hand to point to the screen that said as much. She then pointed to a location just in front of the checkpoint indicating where the rebels were hiding. "If you concentrate a laser at the ground in front of their base, the force could kick up enough dust to cover your advance, and the ship can stay at a closer range in the crater you create from the impact. You can move in before the dust clears and take them by surprise." She retracted her hand, guiltily looking away. She regretted saying anything. Yellow didn't care. Yellow had eons of tactical experience. Yellow would be offended that Spinel would have the gall to share an idea that wasn't hers in the middle of a call. She would be angry, and then Yellow would want nothing more to do with her. Spinel could feel the panic well up in her form, sharp and painful. She had blown it. She loved and respected Yellow so much, and she had ruined it with her big mouth. Why couldn't she just be a good friend like she was supposed to and listen when a diamond told her what to do? Tears prickled her eyes, stubbornly refusing to fall. Not in front of Yellow. 

"Resume the transmission." Spinel didn't dare look up as the screen gleamed back to life. She felt humiliated, defeated. If it hadn't been for Yellow's direct order to stay still, Spinel would have bolted - run away before Yellow could send her away herself. She tugged her pigtails harshly over her face - the only way she could hide.

"Change of plans. Here are your orders." Spinel's head shot up as Yellow relayed Spinel's idea to the waiting heliodor. Even Pearl looked awe-struck, casting Spinel a shocked look, followed by a very shaky thumb's up. Spinel returned it with a nervous smile, nearly forgetting how to breathe in the wake of her relief.

"Excellent insight, your Clarity. I will be in touch." Heliodor saluted, and the feed shut off. Spinel felt like her limbs would melt off as Yellow turned to her.

"Thank you, little one. That was a very good idea." Spinel looked tentatively up at Yellow Diamond. Yellow had always been the most direct, saying what she meant without the need for the nicknames Blue and White liked to give her. So when she called her by anything but her name, Spinel knew she meant it.

"…That was really okay? Sorry I interrupted. Pink would tell me how you'd get mad at her if she interrupted your meetings."

"Pink interrupted with the intention to interrupt. And forgive me for saying so, but," Yellow started, catching Spinel's gaze, "Pink would _never_ have had suggested such a brilliant idea. She would have sooner suggested I invite the rebels into the Diamond Palace as honored guests, pamper them and ask them what it was like to live with organics, rather than think of a tactical way to destabilize them." Yellow's expression shifted to a teasing smile, bumping Spinel lightly on the shoulder in a gentle nudge of her finger that had her swatting back with a laugh. "I had no idea you had this side to you, Spinel. I'm impressed."

"This side?"Spinel echoed, standing up, "What do you mean?

"A mind for strategy. You're surprisingly resourceful, aren't you?"Yellow clarified with a proud smile, "Yes, now that I think on it, it's a shame spinels aren't used more tactfully for battle. Your powers are unique, and your stretching ability could be used in almost limitless ways. If you thought of it as a game, you could be just as formidable in battle as you are at hide and seek."

"I don't need it to be a game,"Spinel boasted with a confident grin, invigorated by Yellow's praise, "I'm strong all by myself!"

"Oh ho, I like your spark! Where was this enthusiasm 6,000 years ago? You would have been a good influence on Pink. Now this is a gem I would have been proud to have in my army!" Spinel's eyes widened as big as saucers. Yellow Diamond would have…wanted…Spinel…in her army? The collected stories she had been told at Yellow's side suddenly bloomed to life in her mind's eye. She dared to picture herself, weapon in hand, ripping through the battlefield.

"Whaaaaaaa,"was all she could manage. Yellow laughed at her reaction.

"You would have been incredible, little one. It is a shame you were never given the opportunity for real battle. And unfortunately you may never get the chance, now that the galaxy is at peace,"Yellow sighed, somewhat disappointedly.

"Well…I actually…did fight one pretty big battle." Yellow's eyes widened in surprise.

"Oh? When was this?"she asked with interest.

"Um…somewhat recently I guess. It wasn't as cool as the stories you tell, but I did take on four gems by myself." From behind her, even Pearl balked at Spinel, her hands frozen on her screen as she looked at Yellow, as if to clarify she had heard correctly.

"_Four gems_ by yourself?"Yellow repeated incredulously, "And you _won?_"

"Yeah,"Spinel said with a small, proud smile. It wasn't a lie, necessarily. "Took 'em by surprise and poofed them all in one hit. They were experienced fighters, or so they say. One of them was a fusion, too, and another a high ranking gem." Too much information. Spinel mentally berated herself for saying too much. But she would be lying if she said she was immune to the delight in Yellow's eyes. Old habits died hard, and Spinel would still do anything for a diamond's smile.

"Details, Spinel, give us the details. Why have you not shared this story with me?"

"Oh, um. It's no big deal,"she said guiltily, looking askance.

"A gem of your stature and cut taking out four gems without any backup is no easy task. Give us the play-by-play,"Yellow said, then turned to her pearl, "You'll be writing tales of this gem's exploits when you run out of mine, Pearl." Pearl grinned widely at the attention.

Spinel flushed, embarrassed by all the attention on something she wasn't sure she wanted to bring into the open. If she wasn't careful, Yellow would find out who she had really attacked, and then it really would be over for her.

"Maybe another time."

"You must, though, Spinel! A gem who could think of a strategy like you did on the spot must be a force to be reckoned with, without a doubt,"Yellow said, her gloved hands forming a fist, "I want to hear _everything_. To think, we had so much in common!" How was Spinel to refuse her diamond when having something in common with Yellow was only a dream come true? She knew better. She knew better, and yet, common sense went out the door when faced with the possibility of impressing Yellow.

"Um…well. I came up at them from up top like this, and I stretched down. They were pretty taken back by my arrival, so I kind of messed with them first. Their leader was so surprised, he-they didn't do anything. The fusion made the first punch, but I dodged her like this…" She walked Yellow through the fight, her voice gaining confidence and enthusiasm as she shared the story, reinforced by the Pearl's delighted gasps and Yellow's surprise and approval. At some point she pulled out her own weapon – her toy hammer – to imitate the elegant twirls and spins of the scythe, earning her more excited gasps of approval from her audience. Despite the warning signals, she couldn't help but respond to the praise. This was what she was made for – to entertain – and she was weak to the pride she saw glowing in Yellow's diamond-shaped eyes.

As Spinel spun her tale, she thought back to that fight with a strange mix of shame and pride. Of course, she regretted the consequences of said fight, but the fact remained – she had taken out the Crystal Gems in one hit. Spinel was more than just fun and friendly and cute now. She was _strong_, and that had never really been a word she had associated with herself until she was here, reliving a moment that – Yellow was right – a spinel normally had no place in. But Spinel had _won_. She had won against Pink's strongest, and after 6000 years of being out of practice, no less. She felt powerful, telling her story, and she loved that feeling so much that she couldn't help but get carried away.

"I don't think I've ever seen you this excited about something, Spinel." Spinel paused as she swung her hammer in imitation of the final blow, panting slightly and looking guiltily happy. Even Pearl was watching her, enthralled by the tale. She had just finished imitating her climactic wind up around the lighthouse by replicating the move on Yellow's massive chair, rocketing herself with an elegant spin to the opposite massive armrest.

"Really?"

"I like this side of you,"Yellow said with an appreciative smile, "I like it a _lot_." Spinel beamed at the praise. She _was_ excited. Maybe it would be worth it to visit the palace training yard later, just to try out a few moves. She had spent a few hours with the pearls the other day, talking and trying out different 'fun' activities, but she had left not feeling like anything was sticking. Maybe Spinel just liked fighting? She would have to explore that later.

"Tell me more about the gems you fought,"Yellow prompted, breaking the little gem from her thoughts. Spinel froze, her hands still holding the hammer clunking loudly to the floor.

"Wh-why do you wanna know that?"

"This sounds like an extraordinary battle you had! I'm surprised you never shared this with White and Blue, too. You haven't even set the stage, though. What prompted this fight, anyway? Who was this leader you mentioned? I hope it was one of my colonies, so I can tell them I sent you." She laughed at her own joke, but Spinel didn't know what to say. She laughed nervously for lack of a response.

"Oh, I hardly remember!"she laughed, too loud, "Silly ol' Spinel, left her memories in the garden, I guess!" She let her toy hammer bonk on her head with a comedic squeak. She struck a dramatic pose for added effect, hoping to get a laugh from Yellow. To her disappointment she only got a small chuckle – hardly an effective distraction - followed by a thoughtful confused look that had Spinel shaking.

"…You remembered every step of the battle, but not why or who you were fighting?" Spinel had no idea what to say. She opened her mouth, then closed it. Shit.

"I, uh…,"she started, a deer in headlights, "It must not have been an important reason."

"It must have been, for a gem built for only play to pick a fight against four gems by herself." Spinel kept her mouth shut as her mind blanked, paralyzed by the sudden terror that Yellow Diamond might find out about what she had done. Why couldn't she just keep her mouth shut? Why did she have to say anything? Of course Yellow was going to want details Spinel couldn't give. But if she lied, it would only make Yellow hate her more if or when she found out the truth. If she did tell the truth, Yellow would surely hate her regardless for what she had done to Pink's only son and colony.

"You aren't hiding something from me, are you?"Yellow asked with a teasing smile. The smaller gem couldn't quite look Yellow in the eye. An uncomfortable silence passed as Spinel mentally weighed the pros and cons of lying. The smile faded from Yellow's face as she waited. Spinel knew how suspicious her hesitancy looked.

"N-no. I just don't remember,"she finally decided, her voice quieter and less assured than she wanted to sound.

"You don't remember? Or are you just embarrassed?"she asked, still thinking Spinel was teasing her, "Don't worry, everyone makes mistakes in their first battle. Why, I remember in early Era 1, I sent the wrong coordinates to a carnelian fleet and they attacked the wrong planet! How embarrassing!"she laughed. Spinel forced herself to laugh with her.

"Haha. Yeah, it was something like that. I really just don't remember. Sorry."

"You were so excited to tell me a moment ago..." Yellow looked genuinely disappointed.

"I know. It's just…it wasn't for a reason I'm proud of. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have even brought it up." Spinel felt her face flush as she realized she had just admitted to lying about not remembering. For the moment, Yellow didn't seem to realize it.

"Why would you not be proud of such a feat? That seems silly to me."

"…I guess I'm proud of how good I fought, but I hurt people I shouldn't have. And I made a big mess, starting that fight, and I regret it."

"Do I know these gems? Why can you not tell me who they are? Someone owed you something, perhaps, or a secret lover's quarrel?" Spinel looked away guiltily. This was not going well. She wished Yellow would just drop it. But true to the nature of Spinel's usual humorous personality, Yellow thought Spinel was joking around.

"Y-yeah. Uh, maybe? You might know them, you might not, I don't know…Can we talk about something else?"

"Oh, don't be embarrassed, Spinel - you started such a good story. We all make silly mistakes, after all, even White. Well…maybe not White. But Blue would agree! You've piqued my curiosity now. Who would know? You were friends with Steven, right? Maybe I could call him and ask…"

_"NO!"_ Yellow Diamond stared wide-eyed at the little gem with her fists clenched at her sides, her own eyes wide with surprise at the sudden outburst. She had never heard Spinel raise her voice at her once. The panic in her eyes was evident, her clenched fists shaking at her sides.

"Don't call Steven,"Spinel finally breathed, her voice softer now, _"Please."_ Yellow stared at Spinel, the wheels in her head vigorously turning. Why would Spinel not want her to call Steven? Even Yellow, insensitive as she could be, could tell Spinel was clearly upset by the thought.

"…Why not?"she asked slowly, her smile gone. Yellow couldn't shake the feeling of unsettled uncertainty in her core. There was something off about Spinel's avoidance. She didn't look embarrassed. She looked _terrified._

"B-because. It's so embarrassing, he promised he'd keep it a secret!"she lied, desperately trying to keep her voice from shaking, "No point in asking if he won't tell you, right? Good old Steven wouldn't break a promise!"

"I suppose. That boy is too nice for his own good,"Yellow said, and Spinel finally loosened her limbs, thinking she was free now, "I suppose I could bother those Crystal Gem friends of his, but I…." She trailed off, suddenly looking unfocused as she remembered something Spinel had said.

"Four trained fighters. Including a fusion and a high ranking gem…" Spinel felt like her gem had sunk to the floor, her form unable to contain it anymore. It was times like these she wished she could poof herself away. Yellow was staring at her with a look that told Spinel she needed to run. But her legs suddenly felt heavy, paralyzed by fear. This was it. She was going to be thrown away. At possibly the worst time, tears sprung in her eyes as the panic took over. The sight of them was her death sentence. Spinel's hands rose to her mouth in a silent scream as she watched Yellow's expression shift. She _knew._

"Earth was in shambles when we arrived…,"Yellow said quietly, staring at Spinel as if she was only just seeing her clearly for the first time.

"Yellow…"

"Steven's home looked nearly destroyed. He never said what happened, though. Was it all of Earth, or was it just _Steven's_ home?" Tears continued to pool in her eyes as Spinel futily shook her head. This was it – her greatest fear, playing out. Yellow would tell the other diamonds and she would be sent away, far away all by herself, just like she deserved for what she had done. Her panic froze her, making her mind blank. She was just as helpless to stop Yellow from leaving her as she had been with Pink. She couldn't come up with a good enough lie to save her if she tried.

"That's…just a coincidence, though, right?" A way out. Desperately, Spinel vigorously nodded. Anything to make Yellow stop looking at her with those accusatory eyes.

"Then…why are you crying…?" Spinel hands trembled as she tried desperately to lower her hands and swallow her tears, forcing herself to put back on another plastic smile, but her failed attempt only served to condemn her further, confirming everything Yellow was starting to piece together.

"You never told us how you knew Steven." Spinel felt like her tongue had turned to lead. Her gem felt twenty times heavier than it was. She didn't know if she could tell another lie when she was so obviously caught.

"I-I told you guys. He helped me feel better when I…when I found out that Pink was gone,"she managed.

"At what expense?" Yellow Diamond's tone was anything but warm now. Spinel kept her eyes shut, shaking her head. The only way she could think to get herself out of this was to keep lying and pray that something might redeem her for her carelessness.

"I-I don't know what you mean, Yellow." She felt a shift as Yellow suddenly stood up.

"Excuse me. I have something I need to check on right away."

"Yellow…Yellow, wait! Don't go!"

Yellow ignored her. Spinel felt as if an anvil had been dropped on her. She stared at Yellow, a diamond she loved and looked up to, walk away from her. It was just like Pink, except this time, Spinel was fully aware that she was about to be left behind. And this time, it was all her fault. The panic welled up and tipped over in one sharp burst.

"YELLOW, PLEASE! Please don't leave me! _Don't leave me alone!_" Yellow paused at the door.

"Pearl, stay with her,"Yellow commanded, and then the communication hub door closed behind her, plummeting the room in silence. Spinel sunk to her knees, feeling the world spin. The room dimmed out of her senses, leaving her floating, suddenly lost in a sea of decaying foliage as vines ensnared themselves around her legs. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't move. This was it. Yellow didn't want her anymore. Blue and White would follow after once Yellow told them. She was unwanted, not enough for Pink or any diamond, and soon she would be thrown away for the worthless gem she was. She couldn't think, she couldn't breathe, she couldn't go back to being alone again. She couldn't couldn't _couldn't_ –

-A hard slap across her cheek snapped Spinel back to reality. She looked up shakily to see Yellow Pearl puffing her cheeks at her.

"Will you get a hold of yourself!?"Pearl shouted, her shrill voice reverberating off the diamond-sized halls. "Why are you always _crying?_" Spinel took a few quick breaths, trying to calm down as she grabbed hold of Pearl's arm – anything to ground herself. She was unpurturbed by Pearl's harsh tone and actions– if anything, she needed it. Pearl's anger made more sense than the quiet disappointment in Yellow's eyes that stained the back of Spinel's mind.

"Pearl, I messed up. I really messed up. I froze and I didn't know what to say and…,"Spinel trailed off, whirling around to look at her, "What am I going to do? She's going to hate me, I know it. She's going to find out about what I did and she's going to send me away!"

"Hate you? You just angered _Yellow Diamond_, and your biggest worry is that she'll _hate_ you? You should be worrying if she'll _shatter_ you!" Spinel felt her mouth drop open and her insides squirm. She hadn't even thought of that.

"…She wouldn't. I'm…I'm her friend…" They would never. She wasn't that irredeemable…right? Tears once again prickled in her eyes as the doubt took over.

"Friend? Are you trying to be funny? Yellow Diamond is a _ruler,_ Spinel – one of the former Diamond Authority. Free or not, we respect them for the leadership they provided for us. You're not some special gem who gets exempt from that fact just because you used to belong to one of them. Honestly, I don't know how you get away with half the things you do around here! Disrupting her day, interrupting her call, upsetting her with…whatever that was!" Spinel shook her head, pulling her pigtails. She couldn't deal with this. What did Pearl know, anyway? She was made to be a servant, not a friend. Her expectations for what a relationship with Yellow Diamond looked like were completely different. She didn't know any better. Spinel's fists dug into her hair as the thought came to her that maybe Spinel didn't know any better either. She was made to assume she was a friend, but was she? Maybe she was just delusional in thinking the diamonds actually liked her. Maybe she was just made to be fooled – maybe they hated her all along, and now they finally had a reason to get rid of her. They certainly had reason now.

"Stop it…,"Spinel said, her voice breaking as she pulled her pigtails in front of her face, "I know I tease you, Pearl, but that's just mean…Yellow's my friend. She said so herself…she said she liked me…" Pearl's expression tempered as she watched the grief play out over Spinel's face, clearly upset.

"Oh, come on now, what did I say about your crying? Have a little self-respect and get up off the floor. You look ridiculous, crying over whether a diamond _likes_ you or not." Pearl took Spinel's elbow and unceremoniously pulled her up to her feet, dusting her off. Spinel wiped her eyes, her hands clenching in irritation at Pearl's nonchalant disregard for her feelings. Spinel yanked her arm away from Pearl's attempts to make her look presentable.

"What do you know? Yellow's wanted and kept you around since she made you. You don't have to worry about whether your diamond likes you or not. She's always kept you by her side!" Yellow Pearl crossed her arms over her torso, her expression flattening into an unamused look.

"Aren't you over 6,000 years old? Because you're acting like you just emerged yesterday,"she stated, "I don't need to worry because I respect my diamond enough to not lie to her face the way you obviously just did. What do you want her to do, give you a pet on the head and tell you what a good gem you are when you disobey orders and dance around questions like a guilty pyrite on trial? You owe her an apology, Spinel, and sitting around crying 'woe is me' isn't going to win you back into her good graces." Spinel let her hand go, deflated. Pearl was right, as much as she hated to admit it. If nothing else, now that she had calmed down some, she needed to go sell a more believable excuse. The truth was simply not an option.

"…You're right. I need to go find her. If I don't, she might…" She didn't dare finish.

"You can't leave by yourself." No, Spinel couldn't, she realized. Not that she wanted to be alone right now anyway.

"Can you take me to where she is?"Spinel asked, "I've seen you warp all around the palace without a pad…"

"And what if she doesn't want you following her? Are you really going to risk upsetting her more than you already have?"

"I have to do _something_, Pearl. Please." Pearl studied her, considering her resolve. It suddenly occurred to Spinel that if Pearl agreed, she would have to stay with her to follow Yellow's order, and that if Spinel got in trouble, Pearl might too.

"I've never violated an order from my diamond in all my existence, Spinel. And free or not, I'm not about to."

"She just said to stay with me. You're not breaking any rules. If she's mad, you'll tell her the truth. I asked you to take me and you had to stay with me. I'll tell her the same, if she asks." Pearl hesitated. The fact that Pearl was even considering Spinel's request at all spoke to the humanity hidden underneath all of her usual pomp and bravado. Spinel really should stop teasing her, she thought.

"Promise?" Now it was Spinel's turn to hesitate. She was sharing a lot of unexpected secrets with the pearls lately. She knew her answer, though.

"Promise."

A beat of indecision, and then Pearl nodded, offering her hand with a defeated sigh. Spinel eagerly took Pearl's hand, and squeezed her eyes shut against the bright light that surrounded her. When she opened them, she was standing in another communication room, next to a massive chair. Pearl had warped them both to Yellow's location in the palace. Oblivious to their arrival, Yellow was currently sitting in front of a large screen, waiting for a call on the Diamond line to go through. Realizing this wasn't the ideal time if Yellow was already in the middle of something, Spinel motioned for Pearl to follow her behind the massive chair where Yellow couldn't see them and wait for her to finish. She didn't want to upset Yellow more by interrupting her a second time today.

The room was deathly silent as they waited for whoever Yellow was calling to pick up. Spinel hadn't let go of Pearl's hand, and as the silence grew she was grateful Pearl hadn't pulled it away. Her presence anchored her, made her feel somewhat grounded even as her emotions wrecked havoc inside her. Not only was she interrupting something, but now she was eavesdropping. Her legs felt like jelly. No amount of apologies would redeem her from all the ways she had messed up today.

They both looked up as the call suddenly went through and a familiar voice that made Spinel's gem drop echoed through the room from the communicator.

"Hey, Yellow! I saw the transmitter go off from the diamond base here and came running as fast as I could,"Steven Universe greeted cheerily, "Is everything okay? Where's Blue and White?" For all her stretch and elasticity, Spinel's body suddenly felt like lead, her eyes wide and trembling. No no no no _noooo_.

"Steven,"Yellow acknowledged by way of greeting, "It's just me today."

"Oh, okay. What's up?"Steven asked. His tone sounded hesitant, almost cautious. Yellow rarely ever called him by herself, and when she did, it was with Blue in the room with her. He had only known Yellow all but two years, but he could see the tension in her posture, the fury in her eyes, the grief pulling at her frown. Something was wrong.

"It's about…Spinel."

"Oh? How's she doing?" Yellow paused perhaps too long. Spinel was nearly crushing Pearl's hand as she waited.

"…I need to ask you something, Steven. And I need you to be perfectly honest with me." Steven didn't miss the fact that Yellow deliberately avoided his question.

"Where's Spinel?" Yellow's brow furrowed in irritation at Steven's redirection.

"I left her with Pearl, she's fine."

"Okay…"Steven said. If Spinel was with someone, then she should be fine, right? "What's your question?"

"Is it or is it not true that Spinel attacked you and your planet?" The silence on the other line was deafening. Spinel waited, her fate in Steven's hands. Pearl was staring at her with a mix of confusion and shock as she too waited for Steven's answer. Too late Spinel remembered that Steven had befriended the pearls, too, and that the truth would shake her, as well.

Steven's face on the monitor was one of blank surprise. He knew he couldn't lie when he had just promised not to, but the rage in Yellow's eyes made him think twice about his answer. He knew what the diamonds were capable of in terms of punishment.

"Before I answer, will you confirm that Spinel is safe and okay?"

"Why do you keep asking about her?! She's _fine_, now answer the question, Steven!" Steven blanched at the ferocity in her tone, always present but rarely directed at him.

"…Yes, it's true. But it was a misunderstanding and we made up before she left."

"But are you _safe_?" Steven's expression softened at the note of panic and worry in Yellow's voice. _That's_ what this was about.

"…Yes, Yellow, I'm perfectly safe."

"Good,"she sighed, deflating a little as she leaned back against her seat in relief, "Why was that so difficult to get a straight answer out of either of you?" There was silence on the other line. Spinel knew Steven was trying his best to read between the lines and figure out what Yellow wasn't telling him.

"Maybe because we knew you'd overreact? I'm fine, really. You guys don't need to be involved in this."

"Overreact? You're a _Diamond_, Steven. I don't care what kind of misunderstanding there was - gems cannot just attack a D_iamond_! Even you must see the anarchical senselessness of the idea. And to attack _you_, of all gems, when you are hardly able to defend yourself on that miserable rock!"

"Yellow…"

"Why didn't you _tell_ us, Steven? You should have been prepared for something like this. What were we thinking? Of course you would have enemies target you after dismantling an empire, and you gave away your position with that broadcast! I'm assigning you a full guard from now on, and when I tell White and Blue we're going to make sure that"-

_"Yellow!"_

"What?!"

"Yellow, I'm safe,"Steven said, looking imploringly at Yellow from beyond the screen, "I'm okay, we're all okay, and I'm handling it. You don't need to worry about me, and you don't need to tell White or Blue about it if they don't already know." Yellow fell back, her fierce façade crumbling just a little as she stared at the screen, Pink's legacy smiling weakly at her through it, his look of understanding sympathy pressing against her metaphorical heart. She had almost lost him. She had almost lost Pink a second time. It was torture enough, watching her only memory of Pink rush back to Earth every time he visited, as eager as Pink had been to return to a life that wasn't with them. She couldn't protect him all the way from here. She couldn't keep him from disappearing again like Pink did, and that thought alone was terrifying. Yellow didn't know if she could bear the thought of losing him a second time.

"Please promise me you'll call next time your planet is being threatened. It doesn't matter when, or where. I'll be there. You must promise you'll call, Steven." Steven's expression softened in knowing understanding.

"If it'll make you feel better, I promise I'll call." Yellow hardly realized that tears had formed at the edges of her eyes. She quickly stuffed them away, composing herself.

"I will have my peridots design a mobile communicator for you, Steven, in the event that you are unable to reach your diamond base. Please carry it on your person at all times from now on."

"I really don't need"-

-"I _insist._"

"Yes, ma'am,"Steven sighed with a shrug. He knew he wasn't going to win this fight, and besides, she seemed genuinely worried. He just hoped the diamonds wouldn't misuse it.

"Is that all you wanted to know?"he asked. It was unsual, to see Yellow shaken up like this. He knew Yellow cared for him and was worried about him, but he felt like there was something else.

"No. There is…one more thing." Of course there was more. Steven waited patiently as Yellow looked askance, a rare look of uncertainty crossing her face as she searched for the words.

"…It's Spinel,"Yellow started. From her hiding place, Spinel winced, deciding to take a chance and stretch her neck over the top of the diamond chair to get a peak. She could only see the back of Yellow Diamond's head and her screen, with a perplexed Steven Universe looking back through it. Spinel held her breath, waiting for Yellow to continue.

"…You told us no more punishments, but under the circumstances, Steven, even I can't justify not"-

-"No." There was a rare tone of authority in Steven's voice that didn't match his soft boyish features. "Yellow, you cannot do that to her. _Especially_ her."

"Steven, even if she didn't do what she did, she tried to lie about it right in front of me. She deceived me, Steven. She's lied about this repeatedly since she got here,"Yellow said slowly. The cold tone of her voice made Spinel want to melt to the floor and disappear. This was bad.

"She probably lied because she was afraid of what you would do to her! She knows you guys care about me and that you'd freak out if you knew what happened."

"I _am_ freaking out!"Yellow interjected, "And she _should_ be afraid! She's been here with us for _weeks_, and to think, we would become so close to a gem who would boast about attacking you? You? Who carries all that we have left of our Pink? How can I not punish that? How can I _forgive_ that?" Spinel was shaking in her hiding spot, her pigtails trembling with the rest of her form. She shouldn't have come here. She would have preferred to just not know how furious Yellow was with her.

"I get that you're angry, Yellow, and maybe you feel a little betrayed that she didn't want you to know, but you cannot lock her in a tower by herself like you did with Mom and I. You're better than that."

"I wouldn't do that!"Yellow interjected, then reconsiderd as she thought about it, "Well, maybe I was considering it…"

"Why do you need to punish her anyway?"

"Weren't you listening? She attacked you, Steven, and she lied to us! She lied to _me_!"

"Don't you think the 6,000 years she spent alone and the shame of knowing the people closest to her know her most shameful secret isn't punishment enough?" Yellow didn't know what to say to this.

"If you lock her in that tower, the only lesson you're going to teach her is that she's not allowed to be honest with you ever again,"Steven continued, "And that she's not safe with you. Because leaving her alone as a punishment is literally the absolute worst thing you can do to her."

"Is this about that garden again?"Yellow said with a roll of her eyes, "It wasn't even that long!"

"It is a long time, Yellow, and the more you discount other people's feelings like they don't matter, the less comfortable they're going to feel sharing theirs with you! Is that what you want?"

"What do you suggest I do, then? I can't just let this go, Steven."

"You have to let it go if you don't want to repeat the same mistakes you made with Mom. We've talked about this, Yellow. The people you love can't feel how much you love them if you're always mad at them."

"I can't just _not_ be angry with her."

"Well don't be mad for my sake. I'm safe and she didn't do any lasting damage. Plus, she said sorry and I forgave her." Spinel's eyes widened as she heard this, her fingers stretching up to her head to curl over the chair. Steven was looking at Yellow with determined sincerity. Spinel didn't know how she felt about his admission. Steven had really forgiven her? She hadn't even forgiven herself, though.

"Talk with her, Yellow. I'll come up soon to visit and tell Blue and White what happened myself. They don't need to know right now - especially White. But if you're mad at Spinel for something she did to you personally, that's something you guys need to talk through on your own."

"I…I don't know how." Steven frowned. Yellow had told him before how she had never talked to Pink or sat down for a heart-to-heart when she messed up. She had confided that she was often more likely to lecture her or lock her in the tower or her room afterward. He knew she didn't have very much experience with honest communication.

"Just tell her how you feel, and listen when she tells you how she feels. If she lied to you about not attacking Earth, it's probably because she values your relationship with her and didn't want to damage it. She hasn't had any friends in 6,000 years, Yellow. Go easy on her. She was probably just really scared."

"That's ridiculous, why would she be scared of that? We've spent nearly every second of every day together."

"Your feelings aren't as obvious to other people as they are to you. Just talk to her, Yellow. You can do it. You don't need me for this." Spinel saw Steven's eyes flicker toward her, and she quickly ducked her head back under the backside of the chair. He had seen her. For a moment she was afraid Steven would out her out. There was a moment of hesitant silence on the other line as Steven considered this, too. But no, he didn't want to risk getting her in more trouble than she already was.

"Go work things out. I'll come visit this weekend."

"I'll have your communicator ready by then,"Yellow replied, already distressed at the idea of Steven hanging up. But she knew she had to let him go. It killed her every time, but she knew she had to. Steven had, as he loved to remind them, his own life to get back to.

"You're going to be fine, just listen and be honest. Do not punish her. And be gentle,"Steven reminded her, "I've got to go. I'll see you guys in a few days!" The line shut off and the screen flickered away. Spinel whirled around to Pearl, making a motion to her to leave. This was an awful time to try to apologize now. Pearl seemed to agree, looking up at her diamond, still sitting silently in her throne despite the call having already ended. She nodded, reaching for Spinel's other hand. In a beam of light that Yellow had her back turned to, they were back in the communication hub that they had started at. Pearl let go of Spinel's hands with a tired sigh.

"You'd best stay here and wait for my diamond to return. We never left, and we never heard anything, alright?" Spinel nodded absently, her eyes unfocused. 

"…So was it worth the trouble?" Spinel took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Her gaze slowly refocused on Pearl.

"I think so. Thank you,"she said, "I mean it. I know it was bad to spy, and I know you didn't want to, but I'm…glad I got to hear that. I'm…still really scared, but I'm a lot less so now. Hearing Steven stick up for me, even when he didn't have to…I needed to hear that. I really owe you, Pearl."

"Hmph. I'll hold you to it." Spinel managed a tiny smile and a half-hearted laugh.

"I know you will."

"Pearl." The electric door to the communication room whirred open, and Spinel froze as Yellow Diamond stepped inside. How had she gotten back here so fast? Spinel could feel herself begin to panic, already looking for exit routes. For all the reassurance she had just gotten overhearing Steven, she was sure that this was it, that she was going to be punished, banished, put away somewhere where she would once again be left behind. If nothing else, Yellow would never talk to her again, and the diamond that she so loved and admired would never want her to be part of her life ever again.

"Leave us, Pearl. I need to speak with Spinel,"Yellow commanded, and then, because she had just talked to Steven, added a quick, "Thank you." Pearl cast Spinel one last forlorn look and saluted her diamond before warping out of the room. Now it was just the two of them.

"Come up here, Spinel. We need to talk." Spinel felt her legs tremble as Yellow offered her hand as a boost. She placed Spinel on top of the giant chair so that they were both nearly at eye level. Spinel shifted her legs over the lip of the chair, not meeting Yellow's eyes even though she could feel Yellow staring intently at her.

"I just spoke with Steven." Spinel kept her face innocently blank as she listened. "He confirmed that it was you who had attacked him, and that you were responsible for putting the Earth in the state it was when we left. He also said that he is safe and that you two had already sorted things out." Spinel wished she could have put on a cheery act and pretended that that could be the end of it. Let bygones be bygones, right? As long as Steven was okay, what did it matter? But she couldn't bring herself to speak. She knew it mattered. Yellow was angry. Spinel was scared. Neither of them knew how to appease the other, but they would try.

"…I'm sorry,"she said softly, "I'm really, really sorry, Yellow." Yellow didn't say anything. For a moment Spinel assumed she was too angry to speak. Then she remembered what Steven had told her. She was listening.

"I…I know how much you guys love Steven. And I know what I did was wrong. I made a huge mess for him. I'm a screw up, I know, and it was bad of me to go after him the way I did, but I"-

-"Spinel,"Yellow interrupted. She seemed to catch herself, realizing she was already not doing a very good job at just listening, as Steven had suggested.

"…Go on, continue,"she amended with a slight roll of her eyes. Just listening felt so impractical, but she trusted Steven.

"I'm just really sorry,"she finished lamely, looking away. Yellow waited, but it appeared Spinel was done for the time being.

"If Steven forgives you, I suppose I must as well,"she said tightly. Spinel cowered at the insincerity in her voice.

"…But?"

"…But the fact remains, you lied to me. And you bragged about it." Spinel hung her head.

"I know I did."

"Tell me why." Spinel shuffled her feet together.

"I just got carried away. I had never had a real fight before then, and I thought if I told you about how good I was, you'd like me more."

"That's ridiculous,"she blurted. Spinel's face fell, and Yellow quickly realized that was the wrong thing to say. Gentle, she remembered. Spinel looked crushed. No, Yellow realized, she looked like _Pink_. Head hanging low, body posture folded, shame and fear the only bridge between them. She had to do better than what she had done. She had to believe the relationships in her life were more than just reprimanding others. She sighed. Try again.

"I take that back,"she tried to amend quickly. Spinel didn't look at her, the damage already done.

"S'okay, it _is_ ridiculous,"she conceded, her voice quiet and defeated. She tried not to think of how she had tried so hard to make Pink like her, too. Stupid, foolish Spinel - never learned her lesson. Now she had failed her only job with two diamonds. "I'm sorry. You kept asking questions about it and I was…scared. Of your reaction, and…what you might do."

"You thought I would punish you." It wasn't a question. Spinel nodded.

"I won't. Steven forbade it." Spinel didn't say anything in response. For some reason the reassurance didn't do anything to make her feel better. There was an unspoken understanding that if Steven hadn't said something, Yellow would want her punished. Silence rang loud between them, uncomfortable and full of things neither knew how to say.

"...I suppose I can't be angry with you for attacking Steven if it was a misunderstanding and there was no harm done. After all, I attacked him once too, before we knew who he was,"Yellow sighed. Spinel nodded absently, but she had a feeling this wasn't about Steven anymore. Spinel took a deep breath, deciding that she would rather know the truth than be left hoping. She steeled herself for the question she was most afraid to ask.

"Yellow?…Are we not friends anymore?" Spinel spoke in such a quiet voice, Yellow almost didn't hear her. She stared at the little pink gem, noting how her entire body curled into itself, protecting herself from…whatever it was she was needing protection from. Yellow didn't want to think how it might be her.

In all her existence, Yellow had never associated herself with the word 'friend.' Steven had used the word once or twice since knowing him - usually not in relation to her, though. She had lived her life above gems, standing above them but never next to them – except for Blue. Blue was the closest thing she had ever had to a friend. She barely knew the meaning of the word.

"I don't know if I understand what you mean, Spinel. What is a friend?" Spinel looked flustered in her inability to know either. This was what she was made for, and she was still figuring it out. Her concept of friendship had been shattered so permanently that she couldn't even bring herself to look at Pink as an example. Instead, she guiltily thought of Steven. A friend she didn't deserve yet, but maybe she could deserve someone like him, someday.

"It's…feeling found,"she answered slowly, "And people being worried about you. And…people wanting to share their interests with you, and spend time with you, and people caring about your feelings." She paused with an embarrassed flush of her cheeks. She was thinking of Steven, and his friends running up to him with smiling faces after her injector had exploded. She was thinking of the pearls, and of how Yellow Pearl had offered to stick her neck out for Spinel at the risk of her diamond's disapproval. But most of all, she was thinking of the diamonds themselves, and their laughter and stories and loving attention. Of the weeks they had spent with her, sharing games and secrets with her when surely three diamonds had better things to do. Of shared pain and shared laughter, of a distinct feeling of home. Spinel felt tears rush unbidden to her eyes as she thought about how that might all be gone forever now.

"Why are you crying, little one?" Spinel sniffled pathetically, but the tears wouldn't stop now that they had started.

"Because I feel all those things with you,"she sobbed, "And I ruined it and I'm _so sorry_." Yellow watched with a sense of familiar unease as Spinel broke down in front of her. Watching her was like watching Blue. Inconsolably sad, tears streaming down no matter what Yellow said to stop them. She couldn't stop them. She had never had any power to stop them. For all of Yellow's surety and confidence, she was just as powerless to save this friend from her sadness as she had been with both Blue and Pink. It was too late for Pink – Yellow had made too many mistakes and was still paying for the consequences with Pink's absence. But Spinel was still here, and it wasn't too late for her.

"I should have told you guys before I even got off the ship,"Spinel continued, mouthing off more apologies when Yellow didn't say anything, "I didn't mean to keep it from you for so long, and I didn't mean to brag about it like it was a good thing. I just…I got so excited we had something in common. You're so strong and confident, and I got so happy and excited, thinking I was too. I just… really wanted you to like me as much as I like you."

"I do like you, Spinel." Amid all the confusing, conflicting thoughts in Yellow's head, this was the one constant truth she could say with absolute surety. Spinel looked up in surprise.

"Don't get me wrong, I am…upset. But I am also conflicted. I worry constantly for Steven, and I was _horrified_ at the thought of you hurting him. But even knowing the truth, I can't help but still be...impressed. I mean, even White couldn't beat him! Blue and I _together_ couldn't beat him! The fact that you were able to...I don't want to be - _stars, I don't want to be_. But I _am_ proud of you, and I was excited at the prospect of being able to share something with you that Pink never had any real interest in. You're strong and passionate, Spinel. I've never enjoyed the company of a lesser gem by my side like this before. Perhaps it's because I've never been open to the idea before Steven came, or if I'm just too used to a life with only Blue for companionship. But the fact remains, I truly do like you." Spinel, waited, not letting her hopes build too high when she knew there was a "but" following. Sure enough:

"But the fact remains – you lied. And this wasn't the first time." Spinel frowned, her pigtails swaying as she cocked her head to the side, confused.

"Huh?"

"You lie about being happy. You lie about the bruises on your form and the patches in your hair. You lie about being okay when everyday now, Blue is coming to me upset because you're not talking to us and you're crying nearly every day." Spinel's eyes widened, her hands self-consciously moving to her chest, her claw marks around her gem where she had dug her fingers into herself burned into her form. Other than the one time the pearls had found her, she always made sure she was out of sight if she broke down. How did Yellow know?

"I-I can reform,"she said, squeezing her eyes shut and reaching into the energy in her gem. In a flash of light she was clean and healthy, her form reset from the last time she had been poofed. "See? Good as new."

"That's not the point, Spinel, and you know it." Spinel knew. She lowered her head in shame.

"…I'm not doing it on purpose. It's just, that stuff is different. I don't want you guys to worry about me if you don't have to."

"What is it you said? About friends worrying over you and caring about your feelings?" Spinel wrapped her arms around herself and turned her head to the side with a frown, her fingers absently scratching at the fresh skin of her renewed form. Yellow sighed in exasperation at her deflection.

"I'm no good at this. Stars knows why Blue comes to me with her concerns – I never know what to say. But Steven insisted I needed to be honest,"Yellow said with a resigned sigh, "I can't be okay with the idea that you have to lie and pretend in order for us to like you, Spinel. It feels insincere, and I can't trust you when you do that. I feel a fool when I'm the last to know what's actually going on, and it makes me upset with you. And I don't want to be upset with you, especially when I know it's coming from a well-intended place." Spinel nodded as she listened. She knew what it felt like to be played a fool by someone who had only pretended. She wiped her eyes before more tears could show up, realizing Yellow felt played just like Pink had played Spinel. She would never wish that feeling on anyone – least of all Yellow.

"I understand. I don't want to make you feel that way again,"she replied quietly.

"Then you have to tell me the truth from now on, Spinel. I want to be able to trust you."

"Like…all the time? Do I have to tell the truth about everything?"she asked. Yellow considered this.

"If it's something about us, then yes, Spinel, I want to know."

"…Will you tell me the truth, too? If you start to get tired of me or don't want me around anymore? Just…so I'm prepared."

"I won't get tired of you,"Yellow reassured her.

"You got tired of Pink, though." Too honest now. Yellow might not like that. Spinel flinched, glancing nervously up at Yellow for her reaction. Yellow didn't seem put off by the statement, though.

"I got tired of Pink's carelessness and disrespect for things we deemed were important for her. I got tired of fighting her and never understanding her. I never got tired of _her_, though,"she said solemnly, her unfocused gaze landing back on Spinel, "You remind me of her, Spinel, but you're also very different from her as well. Perhaps I'm biased, but I see us in you, too. You have Pink's spirit and compassion, Blue's sensitivity and tenderness, my strength and power, and…Well, we'll work on giving you some of White's confidence." Spinel laughed, smiling shyly at the compliment as she swung her legs a little, feeling a little lighter now.

"I like that. I love it, actually,"Spinel said, beaming up at Yellow for the first time in hours. The sight brought a smile to Yellow's face as well.

"One more thing, Spinel." Spinel's pigtails twitched; her smile disappeared. Yellow hesitated as well, reminding herself once again to be gentle.

"I can't protect you if you don't tell me what's wrong. I've been told I can be insensitive. I'm not as good of a listener as Blue, and I'm not as eloquent as White. I don't know how to help you, but I can't just sit back and allow you to be in so much pain that you feel you need to harm yourself, either. You cannot continue this." If only her self-loathing worked like that, Spinel thought to herself. One word from a diamond and poof! Six thousand years of insecurity and debilitating loneliness gone! She shook her head free of her dark humor.

"…I don't know if I can promise that,"she answered, remembering her promise of honesty.

"Then tell me what you need to help yourself stop." It didn't take long for something to come immediately to mind that would help, but she hesitated to voice it. The diamonds had given her a home and more than she could ever deserve. Even if it was Yellow asking her, it would be selfish.

"Spinel,"Yellow said, a slight warning in her tone. Right. Honesty.

"…It helps when I'm not alone. It's…still really scary for me, to be by myself for too long." She was trying to be candid, prove that she was willing to open up if it meant Yellow could trust her again. She hoped Yellow wouldn't press her for details. Luckily Yellow wasn't one for digging deeper.

"Then the solution is simple. You will remain with one of us. If we must leave, one of our pearls will stay with you at all times. If our pearls are unavailable, you will be escorted by a member of our court. Would that help?" Guaranteed distraction from the horrible, aching loneliness plaguing her every thought? Spinel could only nod as tears prickled her eyes.

"…More than I can say. Thank you, my Diamond."

"If we're practicing honesty, little one,"Yellow started, bringing a large finger up to gently rub the little pink gem's cheek, "I'm your friend, not your diamond." A huge smile split across Spinel's face.

"Really?!"

"Really,"Yellow answered with a gentle smile.

"You're not still mad?" Yellow teasingly poked at Spinel's face with her giant thumb, pulling and squishing her cheeks and earning her a giggle.

"Who could possibly stay mad at this sweet face?" The relief on Spinel's face was instantaneous. Spinel brought her hands up around Yellow's, nuzzling affectionately against her knuckles. For a moment, Yellow saw Pink, smiling widely up at her. Would her smile, as big as Spinel's right now, have been as prized to Yellow now as Pink's strict compliance and submission? What might have happened if she had just done what she had done with Spinel with Pink? If only she had learned to listen to Pink sooner. Would Pink still be here? Was Yellow part of the reason Pink had left them? The thought upset Yellow more than she could say.

"What's wrong? You look sad all of a sudden." Yellow tore herself away from her thoughts to look down at the little gem staring at her with concern. She opened her hand for Spinel to stand in, her thumb coming up to affectionately rub against her. Spinel held it in her hands, surprisingly strong. Well, maybe not that surprisingly.

"You just remind me so much of Pink sometimes. Always wanting us to get along,"Yellow replied wistfully, "I'm glad we talked, little one. I only wish I had known to do this with her. I'm learning more and more of how I could have been a better friend and diamond through you." Spinel forced a weak smile. That's why she was glad they talked…?

"That's...good,"Spinel said evenly, "I'm glad we talked, too." Spinel hesitated, a question sitting on her tongue. Something didn't sit well with Yellow's last statement, and Yellow wanted honesty. Suddenly beam of light alerted the two gems to Yellow Pearl's presence, saving Spinel from having to voice it.

"Yellow Diamond,"Pearl greeted, "My apologies for interrupting, but your presence is requested in the trial chamber. The mission was a success, and the captured rebels await your judgement." Her uneasiness with Yellow's comment all but forgotten for the moment, Spinel turned eagerly to Yellow, bouncing enthusiastically in her hand.

"Did you hear that, Yellow? It worked! It really worked!"

"Of course it did. It was an excellent plan." Spinel beamed at the praise.

"Shall I drop you off with Blue, or would you like to accompany me to the trial?"

"Are you kidding? Nobody messes with Yellow Diamond! I want to be there to see you wipe the floor with those dumb rebels!" Yellow couldn't help but laugh. Pink would have never said such a thing.

"There's that spark I like. Come, Pearl. We'll go together." She scooped up Spinel and placed her on her favorite spot on her shoulder pad. Pearl positioned herself next to her diamond, ready to warp. Spinel grinned, so excited that she indulged in a few cartwheels.

She caught Yellow's eye before the warp. She knew they both had a lot of mixed thoughts feelings they could talk more about later, about Spinel attacking Earth, about Pink, about a lot of things. But right now, Spinel reveled in the fact that she got to be by her diamonds' sides. Right now, they still wanted her around. Right now, she was okay.

That was enough for now.


	5. Pink Diamond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Spinel is jealous of Steven, Steven is just trying to be a nice guy, and we finally find out what Spinel did to help Steven out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, sorry for the wait, and the length. I cut out a lot, but this still turned out to be just as long as the last chapter. Spinel probably has a lot of conflicting feelings about Steven, but I tried to imagine how those feelings might have evolved during the time Spinel has been on Homeworld, assuming the diamonds still talk about him regularly. I really wanted there to be some bigger resolution between them than I wrote, but I just don't think that's possible for a short story like this. Two more chapters to go. Thanks for the wonderful feedback and comments everyone! They really make my day.

Chapter 5: Pink Diamond

By the way the diamonds so often talked about him, sometimes Spinel wondered if she was just a stand-in until Steven had a chance to visit. She tried her best to redirect to other topics, but she was beginning to lose track of the amount of times the diamond’s conversations inevitably strayed to the miracle hybrid who had brought their family back together and freed the galaxy.

She knew from experience Steven was a nicer person than she had given credit for. And if the conversation she had overheard the other day was anything to go off of, she knew he had a big part in the diamonds wanting to be better. But she sat through their stories and fond retellings of every minute thing the boy had done for them with unease and confusion, never knowing what to say to voice her indignation and irritation. Pink had abandoned the diamonds for another life just like her, yet the diamonds weren’t angry and resentful at that other life like Spinel secretly was. Sometimes it felt as if Spinel was the only one who still held any piece of resentment of Earth and everything on it that had made Pink decide her old home and old friends weren’t good enough for her anymore. Steven was a reminder of a life Pink had wanted more than she wanted Spinel - or the diamonds, or Homeworld, or anyone. And Spinel couldn’t hate him for it, not after all he had done. But it didn’t mean she wanted to hear about him _all the time._

Not when she so often wondered what she was even doing in a diamond palace. Not when she so constantly questioned herself and how she was going to make it through each day feeling so small and insignificant to three giants. Not when Yellow knew the truth now, and Spinel constantly felt on edge for the moment Yellow decided it wasn’t worth waiting for Steven to explain what happened to White and Blue. No, Spinel didn’t want to hear about how great Steven was when she knew how un-great she was in comparison. It made her angry. It made her confused. She couldn’t comprehend why they wanted a living reminder that _Pink was gone_ in their home. It made her feel alone – an outsider who seemed to be the only one in the palace not completely overjoyed that Steven existed because her best friend was gone.

But most of all, it made her jealous.

The day when Spinel next faced Steven Universe came sooner than she thought. Yellow and Blue Pearl excitedly warped in to bring the announcement that Steven had just arrived. The diamonds were, of course, enthralled by the visit, much to Spinel’s annoyance. For Spinel, the announcement was a shock to the system, and Spinel wasn’t sure if it was a good one. Before any diamond could notice, she bolted, disappearing out of sight so she didn’t have to see the unadulterated joy on their faces. Pink Pearl nearly lost her in her attempt to run after her.

“Spinel! You’re not supposed to be by yourself!”Pink Pearl called after her. Spinel was halfway down the adjoining corridor when she stopped to let Pearl catch up. She had underestimated how serious Yellow was about not letting her be alone.

“You don’t have to follow me, Pearl. I’m just gonna...go for a walk.”

“You don’t want to say hello, too? He came all this way to visit, after all.” Spinel forced herself to mirror Pink Pearl’s smile. Pearl had loved Pink more than anything, too, and it was hard for her to accept that she was gone. But she couldn’t hate the boy that had saved her and brought her back just because he _wasn’t_ her. Spinel could relate. Spinel couldn’t hate him for saving her, either.

“Maybe later,” Spinel answered evasively. Pink frowned, unconvinced.

“Well, I won’t leave you alone. Besides, I can visit later.” Spinel smiled gratefully. She didn’t want to be alone, anyway.

“Want to come along, then?”

“Of course.” Spinel smiled, walking alongside Pink Pearl as they traversed the giant diamond halls. Spinel felt herself relax by degrees. She liked Pink Pearl a lot. She didn’t know why the diamonds didn’t treat Pearl as affectionately as her, though. She and Pearl were all that was left of Pink’s old “things,” after all. Perhaps it was simply because she was a pearl? She dared to let her gaze sit on Pearl’s broken eye for more than a few moments than was perhaps appropriate. The cracks tore her face, ugly and wide. Or perhaps it was just as ugly to be reminded of Pink’s less favorable features.

“Can we visit Pink’s pebbles?” Spinel’s countenance brightened as she nodded. It certainly wasn’t the best hiding place, but she couldn’t say no, not when she had someone to keep her company in Pink’s empty room this time. She had been neglecting the poor things, avoiding that haunted place for so long.

She didn’t know why exactly she felt the need to hide from him. She supposed sitting alone with her thoughts running rampant for weeks had finally convinced her that his show of friendship had been a ruse, a lie, nothing more than another elaborate plot to get her to trust him so that she’d leave his planet alone. Same diamond, different trick. He didn’t care, as long as she was gone. He had his happily after ever back, now that she was out of the picture. She figured he was just here to tell her that - tell her to stay put, maybe even rub it in. At least that’s what she told herself.

Mostly she was just ashamed to face him.

There were only so many places that Spinel could hide. Steven had access to every room, being a diamond, and if he wanted to find her, he would. Spinel’s only plan was to wait until he gave up looking. She didn’t anticipate him looking for very long. She probably wasn’t much of a priority, anyway. He would fill the rest of the diamonds in about what had really happened on Earth as promised while Spinel waited it out, share a few laughs that Spinel wouldn’t be a part of, then leave. Spinel pointedly distracted herself by entertaining Pearl with her usual games and jokes while they walked toward the nearest warp pad that would beam them to Pink’s room. In someone else’s company, she forgot who and what she was hiding from for a moment.

It was not one of Spinel’s better games of hide-and-seek, to be sure, but she had mistakenly put too much trust in Pearl’s ability to lock the room behind them. The pebbles were enthusiastic to see them both, of course, and Spinel spent a few blissful hours worry-free with the pebbles climbing her limbs and getting cozy with their two familiar gem friends from the past. Pearl helped sew new dresses for them and Spinel used her arms and legs as slides for them to play on. At one point Pearl asked if she could style Spinel’s hair. She paused when she offered the hairbrush to Pearl, seeing the black strand still folded in the bristles and remembering what she was hiding from in here. Even in what was supposed to be her room and her space, Steven refused to leave.

When they both heard the telltale sound of someone warping outside the door, dread flooded Spinel’s form. They had locked the room behind them at Spinel’s request, but that was no use for Pink’s diamond itself. The door opened with a touch of Steven’s hand, and he tentatively peeked inside.

“There you are! I finally found you guys!” The young human standing in front of them was smiling, oblivious to Spinel’s panic and seemingly unaffected by the long search it took to find them, even though it had been hours since he had arrived and he had surely finished whatever business he had with the diamonds long ago. Pearl waved hello, naïve to Spinel’s immediate discomfort. Slowly Spinel took a step behind Pearl, using her as a barrier between them.

“Steven!” Pearl rushed up to receive a hug from the young man waiting with open arms. Spinel stood awkwardly to the side, watching them with a strange mix of irritation and longing.

“Hey Pearl!”Steven greeted with a grin, “Long time no see! The hair looks cool – did you reform?” ‘Cool’ was a generous way to describe it by anyone’s standards. Spinel had attempted to shape Pearl’s usual spiral buns into hearts instead and had ended up with a lopsided mess on either side. Pearl beamed nonetheless.

“No, Spinel and I were just doing each other’s hair. I used those ‘bobby pins’ you brought last time! Aren’t they wonderful? You didn’t happen to bring any more, did you?”

“Not this time. This was kind of an impromptu visit. I’ll bring everyone presents next week when I come at my usual time. Any requests?”

“Hair ties, please, if you can. For Spinel – my newest model.” She smiled at the gem cowering in the corner, her hair uncharacteristically down and neatly brushed, thanks to Pearl’s attention. Steven nodded as Spinel reformed back into her signature pigtails.

“Sure thing!”he said, then finally turned toward Spinel, “Hey Spinel! How have you been?” She couldn’t look him in the eye as she thought about how she wanted to run away.

“Dandy,”she got out. He paused, trying to read her but failing.

“You don’t seem very happy to see me.” Spinel pretended not to hear him, busying herself helping two pebbles sew the seams of a finger puppet they had been making earlier. 

Pearl looked warily between the two, completely oblivious to what was going on or how Spinel and Steven even knew each other. Steven turned to her with an apologetic smile.

“Hey Pearl, I want to catch up with you guys later, but is it okay if I talk to Spinel by myself?”

“Oh. Yes, of course, Steven,”Pearl said, visibly disappointed, “I await your visit.” She warped away, leaving Steven and Spinel alone together.

“Sorry to tear you away from your friend,”Steven said, turning to face the gem that didn’t want to face him, “I’ve been looking for you all day, though. Everything happened so fast before you left, and I’ve been so busy with the restoration, we didn’t really get a chance to talk.” Spinel waited, feeling trapped but knowing first-hand how futile it was to fight. Just being around him made Spinel disgusted with herself for what she had done and all the petty, unkind things she was still thinking about him just for being loved by people she happened to love, too. His forgiving smile and compassionate eyes didn’t help.

“I know things got a little out of hand there back on Earth,”Steven started, “But I want you to know that I meant it when I said you deserved better. I just want to make sure you’re actually happy and being treated well here.”

“Why do you still care?”Spinel asked quietly, her brows knit together in confusion. Steven, surprisingly, looked equally as confused by the question.

“What do you mean? Because you’re in a lot of pain? Because the diamonds are a part of my family too, and I promised I’d visit at least once a month? I’d really like it if you and I could be friends, so I can visit for a reason other than family obligation,”he answered with a nervous laugh, “I kind of thought we were already okay, though…”

“We are, but…_friends_? Why would you want to be friends with me? You’re already friends with everyone here. I wrecked everything for you and your real friends…Why would you want anything to do with me after that?” At this, Steven frowned.

“You can be a real friend, too, Spinel, if you want to be,”he said seriously, his smile gone and his hand reaching for her shoulder, the weight of his hand mirroring the weight of his words, “And you’re not the first gem who has tried to kill me. I know you understand what you did was wrong, and I forgive you.” Even though Spinel had already overheard it herself, this felt different. She felt warm. She felt distrustful. She felt cautiously optimistic and hopelessly confused. She wanted to at least not like him but she just couldn’t. He was everything the diamonds professed him to be and everything she wanted for herself – a kind, warm friend who treated her well because he actually wanted to.

“Not like I deserve it, but….thanks. That’s real big of ya, Steven…”

He suddenly reached for her hand, his fingers squeezing hers. “Not as big as what you did. I _highly_ suspect you had something to do with a certain neutralizing injector Garnet saw fly over the night you left. Was that you?” Spinel’s cheeks burned. She lowered her head, looking anxiously for his verdict. Had it made things worse? Had it been too late, and did he resent her for not staying to help clean up the mess she made?

“That depends if it helped.”

She was surprised when the half-human suddenly threw his arms around her. Spinel felt the breath knocked right out of her. This was nothing like the hugs the diamonds tried to give her. Steven fit so snugly against her, his arms completely enveloping her form. She had forgotten what physical contact with another of her stature could feel like, so deprived as she was of physical touch in the garden. His form was thick, too, solid and sturdy and – Spinel couldn’t help but bring her arms around that comforting, squishy body.

“Spinel, _thank you_. You saved me so many months of work, maybe even years. The restoration is nearly done, thanks to you.” Only when he squeezed her tighter did Spinel truly let herself sink into the embrace. He had replaced his pink jacket, and she could smell the Earth in it, soil and grass with the faint pungent residue of biotoxin. He had been working hard.

“…Yur welcome,”she mumbled into his pudgy shoulder, a tiny smile creeping onto her face for the first time since his arrival, “It was nuthin. Just…called in a favor. The diamonds helped.”

“It absolutely _was_ something, and it was amazing,”Steven countered, releasing her from the hug, much to her displeasure, “Peridot said that whatever you sent completely neutralized the chemical, making it safe to withdraw. Lots of people around the world pitched in to help. It got pretty wild too – the FBI showed up at my house, the news, a bunch of national leaders, environmental activists…those I’m still trying to shoo away!” He laughed, and Spinel felt compelled to laugh along with him, even though she had no idea what he was talking about.

“I said I’d try, after all. The diamonds are trying really hard to make amends, too. They make me want to be better, so I had to do something,”she said with a small, proud smile, “So you don’t still need to use your powers?”

“Oh no, I’ve been kissing a _lot_ of dirt,”he laughed. Spinel found herself smiling with him. “I just have a lot less dirt to kiss, thanks to you. Sometimes I just spit, too. I’ve perfected the art of the long-distance spit take.” He appeared quite proud of this feat.

“Heh. I’ll have to take you up on a challenge sometime,”Spinel said, cautiously, testing his reaction. Luckily he responded with a grin.

“You’re on!”he said, then changing topics, continued, “_Anyway,_ I didn’t come bugging you just to update you on my stuff.” Spinel’s pigtails twitched as his tone audibly shifted. “I…saw you listening in to the conversation with me and Yellow the other day. I know that was probably hard to hear. I wanted to make sure she didn’t do anything bad to you. I know how intense she can be.”

“Oh. No, it’s okay. It was kind of scary, to hear how much she wanted to punish me. But she didn’t, and we talked it out,”she explained, “Thanks for…not giving her all the graphic details, though. And for sticking up for me and all that. That was…way more than I deserved, all things considering.” She glanced away, scratching nervously at her cheek.

“I was worried. I mean, I guess I still am.”

“Bout what?”

“I don’t know. The diamonds are a lot, and I know from experience they can be a desperate to ‘fill Pink’s void,”he said, using air quotations and rolling his eyes, “I just wanted to make sure living here wasn’t putting you in an unhealthy place.” Spinel looked away, holding her arms against her sides as the sheer weight of the implied question rendered her speechless. What was she supposed to say? That she spent half her time that she wasn’t with the diamonds curled in a ball crying in Pink’s old room, thinking of all the ways she wasn’t Pink? That she wasn’t in an unhealthy place – she _was _the unhealthy place? Why did he care anyway? Had the diamonds put him up to this? Were they looking for an excuse to send Spinel away if she admitted she was struggling?

“The diamonds are kind of worried about you, too,”Steven continued, at perhaps the worst possible time. His voice was apologetic, as if he was sorry to have to be the messenger for such news. “I told them they should talk to you themselves, but they said I was better at this stuff.” Spinel shook, her hands clenching tightly into closed fists, a familiar panic rising in her chest as tears unbiddingly rose to her eyes.

“Oh. That’s what this is about?”Spinel asked slowly, eliciting a confused expression from Steven, “What else did they say?” Steven noted Spinel’s shift and hesitated, not knowing what button he had just pressed and not wanting to press another one.

“They wish I had never come, don’t they?”she continued when Steven didn’t say anything, her eyes darting across the floor, anywhere but Steven’s confused face, “They’re going to put me away. They wouldn’t say it to me, but they’ll say it to you. You’re their favorite. They’d tell _you_ the truth.”

“What? No, Spinel, it’s nothing like that. The opposite actually,”Steven assured her, trying to catch her gaze but failing, “They can tell you’re struggling here and they want to help, but they don’t know how. They said they never knew how to help Mom, either, except to give her stuff or take it away. They asked me to help if I could. They don’t want to push you away like they did with her. They really, really like you, Spinel.” Her shaking slowly ceased as she peered up to look at him through glassy eyes.

“…They really said that? You’re not just messing with me?”

“I wouldn’t joke about that. Besides, haven’t they told you enough themselves? They seemed really taken by you when you left.”

“Y-yeah. Yeah, they have, and they’re really good to me, I just….” She paused, looking away guiltily as she mumbled, “It’s…hard for me to believe people actually want me around. Especially diamonds.” Steven’s expression softened in understanding.

“They really do like you, Spinel. They told me they think you’re really fun and great, and that they love having you here. They said you bring them together and make them really happy. They wouldn’t have told me all that with you not around if it wasn’t true.” Spinel felt her tears burn into her form, looking warily at Steven’s shoes as if they were suddenly the most interesting thing in the world.

“They said that? You promise?”she asked again, her voice small and disbelieving. Steven nodded reassuringly. Her hesitancy to believe him spoke to her insecurity, so deep yet plainly written all over her face. Spinel looked like a dam about to burst, and he knew what kind of destruction she was capable of if he let her.

“Why don’t we go for a walk?”Steven offered, “Maybe talking will help.” Spinel slowly shook her head, shaking herself out of it.

“You’ve done enough for me. We’re square now,”she asserted, “I’m not going to hurt you anymore, and I won’t get in the way when you want to visit the diamonds. You don’t need to act nice to me for their sake. I’m toughing it on my own just fine.”

“First off, I’m here because I want to be. Second, no one said you needed to work things out alone. I wouldn’t have been able to face most of my own problems without Connie or my dad or the gems to support me. They saw me through the good and the bad, and I know how important it is to have someone around to help you out,”he said with a confident smile, “I know we only got to know each other under less than ideal circumstances, but I’m going to be around visiting my other family from time to time anyway…so while I’m here visiting the diamonds, we can visit with each other, too.” _Why, though? Why did he want to have any kind of relationship with her? What did he want from her? _She wanted to scream. But his smile was so sincere, so genuine, that it made Spinel’s gem ache with a long-forgotten warmth. It had been such a fleeting moment, but she suddenly remembered singing with him in the garden. His smile, sincere and caring – the first person to care about her in over 6,000 years. His hand extended toward hers, big and inviting, just like he was now. Her confused feelings for him temporarily forgotten, she couldn’t deny an offer of comfort if she tried, surrendering herself momentarily to a rare and transient feeling of trust. Slowly she reached for his hand, and he met her halfway, clasping her own gloved hand with his. She was confused and torn by the mixed desire to run from him, punch him, and hold his hand tighter, all at the same time.

“Where are you staying anyway?”

“Here.” Steven’s expression dropped.

“You’re staying _here_? In Mom’s old room?”Steven asked slowly, his eyebrows drawn low over his brow in concern, “Was that your idea or the diamonds’?” His eyes shifted warily around the too-big room, high ceilings and a wide bare floor that made the room feel empty and unlivable, except for maybe the ghosts.

“I didn’t really ask. The diamonds just gave it to me. They said Pink would have wanted it that way,”she answered, meeting Steven’s unsure expression, “I don’t really know how to feel about it. We didn’t play in the palace a lot unless Pink was grounded, but when we did this room was usually a safe place where the other diamonds wouldn’t bother us. So I have some memories, here. Not a lot, though.” She looked askance, not meeting the knowing concern in Steven’s eyes.

“Is this…good for you? To be in her space like this?”Steven asked. Spinel shrugged.

“I dunno, but the diamonds gave me her room, and it would be rude to ask for a different one, especially now. Besides, the pebbles are so nice. They remembered me, you know,”she said, looking up with a soft smile, “It was nice to be remembered…I don’t want to leave them now.”

“We can take the pebbles to a different room. There’s lots of empty rooms here, Spinel.” Spinel bit her lip, conflicted.

“I can’t just…reject what three diamonds gave me, Steven.”

“You need to stop thinking of them as diamonds. They’re your family now. Families work things out and try to understand each other. They’ll understand if you talk to them.” For some reason his advice irritated Spinel. What did he know about her relationship with the diamonds? He was hardly ever even here.

“_You_ think of them as family,”she corrected, her expression darkening, “Because you _are_ family. I’m not. I’m just a spinel.” Steven saw the shift, but he didn’t know what caused it or how to stop it, so he couldn’t know how to prevent it.

“So what if you are? I’m only half of Pink Diamond, and they still love me.” Spinel glared at him.

“Of course they do, you’re her _son_. You have her gem. They’ll keep you around no matter what you do or say, or how often you come visit,”Spinel said, her voice cold and laced with jealous anger, “But I have to prove I’m good and fun if I want them to stick around. Half a diamond will always be worth more than one of me.”

“This isn’t about gem class, Spinel,”Steven interjected. “You and I are all they have left of her. Ever since they realized what I am, that she’s really gone – they’ve never not tried to make amends when we’ve argued. Yellow did with you, right? We’re worth more to them than just her memory. So are you.”

“Glad _you’re _so sure of yourself. In case you forgot, Yellow needed a reminder from you not to break her toys. Guess my worth is still questionable, otherwise she wouldn’t need to call to confirm,”she said coldly, her tone darkening, her hands curling into fists.

“Spinel, that’s not true. It’s because she cares that she called. The diamonds may not always be the best with their execution, but I know they love you, and you’re worth it to them to work things out.”

Spinel whirled around as she stretched her legs, suddenly a head taller than Steven. The pebbles quickly scattered in fear. They knew first-hand Spinel’s wrath.

“What do you _know_, Steven Universe? You don’t know what it’s like to sit around for thousands of years, wondering why you’re not _worth_ being wanted, much less the _truth_ – you’ve been surrounded by your stupid, loving Earth friends your whole life!”

“Whoa, what are you even accusing me of all of a sudden?”Steven asked, his hands raised in surrender. Spinel hated that – like he needed to remind her that he wasn’t going to hurt her, when she had done nothing but hurt him. Forever the golden boy who could do no harm, who could just be nice and sweet and _himself _and everyone loved him. If only Spinel had that power.

“You think you can just waltz around Pink’s old home like you knew her like I did? Like you know _me_? Who do you think you are, acting like you want to help, like I’m another one of your charity cases? What do you know, anyway? You go home to your Earth friends and you’re surrounded by people who want you around all the time. You come here, and all you have to do is walk through the door and the diamonds and pearls and everybody that I have to_ work to be friends with_ are head over heels for you. Heck, you don’t even have to wait to get here! You’re all they talk about even when I’m _right there_!”

“Spinel, slow down! It’s because I worked at them for so long that I have those relationships now. You can have them, too.”

“You of all people wouldn’t understand how impossible that is for someone like _me_!”she shouted, her voice shrill and piercing as it echoed across the vast chamber, “So why don’t you just do us both a favor waste your fake concern on some other lost cause!” Spinel moved to shove past him toward the door, but Steven stopped her, grabbing her wrist. She stared back at him, her eyes wild and hurting, taken back by his attempt to impede her. 

“Spinel, stop, please. I don’t want to keep fighting with you.” Spinel’s hands were clenched into fists, and a dangerously familiar glint of fury danced in her eyes as she glared down at him. He wasn’t even holding on hard to her, giving her the opportunity to run if she really wanted to. She could have easily made her free hand into a fist and punched or kicked or stretched herself free of his loose hold. But she didn’t. Steven decided that was a sign that he could keep talking.

“I do understand. I know it must be hard, if they keep talking about me when they have you. They’re still learning, though, and they know I have more experience with healthy relationships than they do, so that’s why they keep asking for me. They’re scared, just like you. They don’t want to mess up. That’s why I know they wouldn’t want you to be miserable in here if they knew.” He was trying to be reassuring, but it was just pissing her off more. It wouldn’t even be fun to punch him, she thought as he stared at her with those stupid compassionate eyes. She knocked her hand free of his hold, and he let her. When she spoke, her voice was low and threatening.

“Get out. This is supposed to be my room now. I don’t wanna share it with you.”

“I’m not going to take it from you. Homeworld is your home, now,”Steven reassured her, “I just didn’t want you feeling like you have to share it with Pink, either.” Steven slowly stepped back toward the door, ready to leave if that’s what she really wanted. She didn’t tell him to, though. She didn’t clock him like she wanted to. She just stared at him.

“You’re not even trying,”she said slowly. A part of her wish he would. She almost wanted him to put up a fight, to try and take her place. At least then she’d have a reason to hate him that didn’t feel so petty.

“And I’m not going to. My place is on Earth, and it always will be. You have a place here, too, and I promise, I’m not going to take that away from you, Spinel.” The pink gem didn’t say anything to this, but she could feel some of her anger melt away. It was a reassurance she didn’t realize she needed to hear until it was said out loud.

“You can’t promise squat, Universe. You know if you were here all the time, the diamonds would want you living in here instead of me,” she said instead, her voice quiet and subdued in comparison to her earlier fury, “And I’d have to let you have it.” Steven threw his hands up.

“I’m not going to get into a competition with you about who deserves to fill my mom’s space more. The diamonds already unrealistic hope that I’m her, and I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had to remind them otherwise,”Steven said with a shake of his head, “No matter how much the diamonds may want me to be, though, I’m not a stand-in for my mom, and I can’t fill this space back up with her presence. Neither can you. If you really want to try, be my guest, but I know from experience how impossible that is.” The pebbles were slowly coming out of their hiding places in the floor once they saw that the threat had passed. Spinel’s expression had finally softened as she watched them gather around her feet. She retracted her body to her regular size, pointedly looking at them and not Steven.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. It’s hard enough, talking to them,”she said. Steven relaxed once he realized her anger had subsided.

“I’m sure it is. You haven’t had an opportunity to talk about your feelings in a long time, huh? It’s probably pretty new for you still. That’s okay.” Spinel sighed, rolling her eyes at the ceiling. She crouched to the floor to gently reassure the pebbles that she was okay again, her chin sitting broodingly against her knees.

“Yeah, right. I know how this goes by now. This is the part where I have a big, stupid meltdown, and you find me crying and we have some big heart-to-heart that makes me think everything’s fine. Then in a few days, I’ll blow up and find some way to ruin everything again and I’ll hate myself for it and convince myself everyone hates me – which they probably do - and then I’m back at square one,” Spinel mumbled into her bent knees.

“…Is that how it’s been with you and the diamonds?” Spinel nodded silently.

“And the pearls, and the pebbles, and basically everyone in the entire palace, and now you,”she muttered with irritation, “And I’ve already crossed off the meltdown, the ruining everything, and the hating myself with you. There’s nothing left to do but rinse and repeat with the next sorry victim who has to deal with me. I should just do the diamonds a favor and leave before they get sick of me.” Her limbs fell into a pile of noodles at her side. The pebbles panicked, quickly trying to pick up her limp limbs, as if they were afraid they might fall off if they didn’t hold them up.

“Well, you definitely didn’t ruin everything, so there’s that,”he said, trying to be optimistic, “And I know you try to make up for whatever damage you do. You wouldn’t have gone through the trouble of sending over the antidote to the biotoxin if you weren’t a good person. Meltdowns are understandable, all things considering. You’re not crying, so there’s that. The pebbles at least don’t seem to be that upset. As for hating yourself…I can try to help with that, if you’re not still mad.”

Spinel let her cheek fall into her palm with a pout, distracting herself by stretching her free hand into a swing for the pebbles to occupy themselves instead of worrying about her noodle arms. She wasn’t mad. She wished she could be, though. Anger, she realized, was easier to face than shame.

“There’s nothing you can do. I don’t even know what I need help with. My feelings are all over the place all the time…”

“It’s okay, really. I’m just glad you’re okay. It’s a lot to handle, after being alone for so long. I can’t be here all the time, but I can listen.” He offered a small smile, and Spinel turned away from it. Maybe it was because she was in Pink’s room, but she suddenly realized where she recognized this feeling - this feeling of being told she was safe with another person, of thinking her feelings were understood and accepted. This was what she had felt with Pink every day.

“Stop it. Just…stop,”she said, her voice quiet, “Quit pretending to be so nice to me.”

“I’m not pretending. Why would I have said any of those things to Yellow Diamond if I was just pretending?” Spinel shook her head, her hands instinctively tugging at her pigtails.

“I don’t want to play this game again. Not with you. Not in here,” she said quietly, tugging her hair and pulling it in front of her eyes, blinding herself against his concern and against the overwhelming pink flooding her vision, “You have more reason than anyone here to not want to be friends with me. You know how scary it is when people are so nice to me? It’s going to hurt so much worse when they’re not.” Steven’s expression softened in understanding.

He slowly sat down next to her, looking expectantly at her to elaborate even though she refused to look at him.

“Quit looking at me like that. I said I don’t want to talk.”

“I’m not forcing you to. It’s just, I get it. It’s probably really hard and scary to believe that people want you around after what Mom did to you. I know I felt like the Crystal Gems didn’t want me around when I was little. It took a lot of their encouragement and forgiveness of my mistakes to realize they still loved me even when I messed up. The diamonds were never very good at doing that with Mom, but they’re trying really hard to make up for it and learn how to be affectionate and supportive now. It just takes time, Spinel.”

“Great. Am I supposed to just stand and wait longer than I already have for another diamond to figure out how to give a damn about me, then?”she asked sarcastically. His hand came up to gently touch her back, a warm anchor against the spiraling thoughts in her head. As messed up as it was, as much as the alarm bells in her head blared loud and strong - reminding her not to trust, not to let her guard down, not to give in to the delusion of safety – she found herself leaning into him. Her head fell limply against his shoulder with a tired sigh, her eyes dry and her expression vacant. She was weak to his kindness, and she hated herself for it. After all was said and done, though, she really, really just wanted a friend she didn’t have to _try_ so hard with.

“…Sorry I yelled at you,”she finally said to him, her voice as quiet as a whisper, all the fight drained from her, “I know that’s not what good friends are supposed to do.” Steven frowned.

“You’re allowed to be angry if that’s how you feel, Spinel. I’m sorry if I was being insensitive, comparing us like that. I know we’ve lived very different lives.” Spinel sighed. She was tired of fighting it. At least with Steven, she didn’t have to pretend or worry if she was being a worthy friend. The guesswork was taken out – she knew she wasn’t. She could surrender to him, and only him, knowing he wasn’t a friend she had to perform for.

“…I can’t stand this place sometimes. I can’t stand always hoping, and…not knowing if they’re going to leave me the moment I let my guard down. Every time I show my ugly to them, it scares me more. If they liked me even half as much as I love them, I’d like to believe that’d be enough, but it wouldn’t. I’d always doubt. I’m always afraid,”she said, deciding not to question her surrender and just give in to the urge to tell him everything, “But I can’t tell them that. Good friends are supposed to make each other happy…right? I can’t tell them things that might make them sad.” Steven listened, not daring to move a muscle, not when he was surprised as he was by her contact and her willingness to finally talk.

“Being a good friend isn’t about always being happy. Good friends support each other through sad times and work things out if something’s not right. It’s okay if you’re not always happy – most friends aren’t.”

“But…I didn’t make Pink happy…and she left me for it,”Spinel whispered, tears filling her eyes of their own accord. Steven frowned.

“Mom didn’t leave you for any other reason than that she was an insensitive friend,”Steven countered, his tone perhaps too harsh, “Her decision isn’t a reflection on you, it’s a reflection of her and who she is. You had nothing to do with it.”

“I can’t think like that,”she said, her voice quiet, “She wasn’t a jerk. She was…my best friend. I loved her and looked up to her more than anything. I thought I knew her better than anyone. But if I didn’t even know her well enough to not know how much she didn’t want me around…what does that say about me?”

“Mom kept a lot of secrets, and she hurt a lot of people. Not that it excuses her behavior, but…the more I get to know the diamonds, the more I realize how much of what Pink did probably came from the way they used to treat her. Mom didn’t know how to talk to people or be honest with them if there was a problem, because every time she had a problem, she was either shot down, punished, or her opinion was discounted. So she learned to just…take off without explanation, or hide away in a different form, or just hide the truth altogether. And you just can’t do that with your friends.” Spinel listened quietly. Finally she lifted her head. The pebbles were pulling at her gloves, trying to comfort her and asking to be picked up. She smiled at their tiny, reassuring voices, gathering them into her gloved hands.

“…It’s hard not to think about her all the time in here,”she confessed softly. Steven nodded.

“Always made me feel weird to be in here, too. Still does, to be honest.”

“It’s not just her room, though.”

“What do you mean?”

“…I’m figuring out that the diamonds have mixed feelings, too, but…everything here is a tribute to her. Everyone on Homeworld worships Pink like she was this great person and she could do no wrong. It’s hard here, to not think I’m just crazy for thinking bad of her. I don’t even feel like I’m allowed to be sad or angry half the time, the way everyone here loves her so much…” Steven stared at her, quiet as he listened.

“I know how you feel,”he said, “Honestly you’re…probably the only person who doesn’t talk about my mom as if she’s a super great person all the time. It’s kind of refreshing, actually.” He laughed, but it was hollow and empty. “I didn’t know her like you did, but I grew up with only good stories of how great she was. It always made me feel kind of inadequate, like I’d never be able to measure up to her legacy. I know she had her reasons, but she hurt a lot of people and left a huge mess for me to clean up, and I never felt like I could voice how mad that made me at her because everybody loved her so much. It doesn’t help with the diamonds being…who they are.”

“…How do you deal with it?”

“I think I’m always going to be dealing with it, to some extent,”he said, “I had really good friends who listened and understood throughout, and that helped a lot, but…I think my mindset didn’t completely shift until two years ago when things came to a head with the diamonds. I think it was because we all knew, once and for all, Pink was really, permanently gone. And that was kind of freeing, you know?” Steven glanced at Spinel with a small smile. “She’s gone. But we’re still here. And we can live our lives however we want, and it doesn’t matter because she can’t hurt us and she’s not around to do anything about it. There’s nothing we can do to sound or act or look like her that will ever be enough to change that, so why not just…be ourselves?” Spinel stared at him, slowly processing everything that Steven was telling her. Be herself? What did that even mean?

“I don’t…know how to do that. The diamonds, they…I think they just want me to be her.” Steven frowned at this.

“They told you that?”

“Not explicitly, but…they say things sometimes,”Spinel said evasively. Steven waited as she paused to consider her choice of words.

“Your secrets are safe with me if you need to rant. They mean well, but I know how they can be. It’s not like I worship them like everyone else in the palace does. They’re just my other family to me,”he said, “Tell me what’s going on. You said they say things to you about wanting to be Mom?” Spinel shrugged non-committedly, turning her hand around so that the two pebbles playing in her palm could better climb over her glove. Steven was probably the only person she could talk to about this, she realized.

“…Don’t get me wrong, I love them more than I can say. They’re trying really hard, and we do talk it out if something’s really wrong.” Steven waited. “But… sometimes I feel like they’re just using me to grieve Pink.”

“What do you mean?” Spinel hesitated, absently playing with the frills of one of the pebble’s dress.

“….I know Blue feels guilty for the way she treated Pink in the past… but sometimes she’ll get this look, and suddenly remember something I just did that Pink used to do, too. And then she’ll get sad because she remembered how she didn’t have time to pay attention to Pink back then. I don’t even know if she’s being nice to me because she loves me like she says or because she’s trying to say sorry to Pink through me,”Spinel started, her limbs curling into her form self-consciously as she admitted to Steven her secret thoughts, “And when Yellow and I made up the other day, she said I remind her of Pink, and that she was glad we talked because she was learning how she should have acted back then through me. I mean, I’m really glad we talked too, but I was glad for _us_. I feel like I’m being used for some kind of apology test-run, and once I fulfil my role once they stop missing her as much, they won’t need me anymore.” Spinel set the pebbles down, but they lingered at her feet, sensing her distress as she talked. Steven listened intently, hanging on to every word.

“I don’t know how to keep them,”she continued quietly, “They keep asking for you, and now me, or whatever piece of Pink they can find to reassure themselves that they’re okay. But they’re really hurting still and I don’t know how to make them happy other than to tell jokes and play games I know Pink liked. But I don’t want to be reminded of Pink. It hurts, and it messes me up. I don’t want to be her substitute, and then that just makes me feel selfish and awful, because I know that’s what would make them happy.” Spinel stiffened, curling her knees tighter to her chest.

“You’ve been hurting for Mom for 6,000 years, Spinel. You don’t need to force yourself to fill her space for the diamond’s sake if it’s hurting you to keep remembering her. We’re not Pink,”he reminded her again, bravely reaching for her hand, “And it’s not your or my job to try to be. No one is ever going to replace her. Not her son, and not her best friend.” She didn’t look at him, but her fingers curled slightly around his.

“You don’t live with them.”

“I do understand living up to unfair expectations to be someone you’re not, though,”he reminded her, “But I get it, the diamonds are a handful, and they’re still learning. But they have each other now, and they have you. You guys get to learn together.” Spinel didn’t say anything.

“…And no matter what they say, you’re more than just a stand-in for Pink,” Steven continued when she didn’t speak, “You’re more than just Pink’s old friend. You’re you, and that’s enough.” Tears prickled uncomfortably in Spinel’s eyes. The two pebbles at her feet had wrapped their tiny hands around the limp fingers of her unoccupied hand in an attempt to comfort her. In all her existence, nobody had ever said such a thing to her.

“…Y’know, you’re really annoyingly nice, Universe,”Spinel teased after a moment, “Makes it really hard to want to kill you.

“I get that a lot.” Spinel smiled, stroking the head of one of the pebbles fondly on the head, bringing her close to give her a small kiss. The pebble made a high-pitched squeal in delight. Steven smiled at the sight.

“They really love you. You’re such a good friend to them.” Spinel beamed at this, her tear marks pulled wide against her smile.

“Really?”she asked, eyes shining wide with happiness at the compliment.

“Of course, really. It’s obvious you take really good care of them. I hardly ever come in here, except to use the bed they built me to sleep when the diamonds ask me to stay over. I know not a lot of gems come in here, out of respect, and I feel bad, leaving them alone. They’re lucky to have you.”

“It’s more like the other way around, but…thanks. I missed them. It’s hard being in here, so I tend to avoid this room. But I want to spend more time with them.” Steven stood up.

“Then let’s find you a different room, Spinel. Come on, no more living in Pink’s shadow. We’ll take the pebbles and find a space that’s yours and feels safe for you.”

“…I can’t. What if the diamonds get mad?”

“We’ll tell them together.” Spinel looked unsurely down at the three pebbles relaxing in her lap.

“But...this is their home. Wouldn’t they rather stay here? Maybe I can just…manage.”

“Look, I’m happy to help you redecorate if that’s what you really want. But you’ve been stuck in the past for 6,000 years, thinking about her. If this place is keeping you stuck in your hurt, then it’s not a place you should be spending any time in. The pebbles don’t need to stay here for Pink’s sake or mine – they’ll be happiest wherever their friends are. And that’s with you.” Spinel thought about this.

“…Where would I go?”

“Well, what part of the palace feels most like home to you?” On top of the diamond’s shoulders. Literally anywhere with them. But Spinel knew they all needed their space at times, and she was no exception.

“With the diamonds,”she admitted honestly, “…But I think I’m starting to make friends with the pearls, too.” Steven tapped his chin as he thought, mentally going through any rooms he had recently explored that might be a good fit for Spinel. Steven’s eyebrows suddenly shot up in realization, an idea visibly forming in his head.

“Spinel! The pearl quarters!”

“What about them?”

“You’ve seen them, right? It’s just like the temple door on Earth. The Diamond Authority symbol opens four doors for four pearls from each diamond. But Pearl on Earth isn’t using hers.” Spinel caught on, stretching her finger and curling it into a shape of a lightbulb. Steven tapped his finger on his nose. Spinel had no idea what that meant, but she assumed they were on the same page.

“But…would the other pearls be okay with that…?”

“Let’s go ask them! Come on, let’s bring the pebbles. Do you have any other stuff you want to take with you?” Spinel looked around. The room was empty except for a tiny wooden heart the pebbles had made for her that she kept next to a single pot of deep blue myosotis flowers. They were Spinel’s favorite. She put both items in her gem, turning to Steven.

“Ready.” It took a few minutes to gather all the pebbles together and explain what was going on. They were reluctant to leave the room they had called home for so long, but when they heard it would make Spinel happy, they quieted down and immediately got to work. They packed up their tools in seconds, climbing eagerly into Spinel and Steven’s arms when they were ready. Their dedication to Spinel’s happiness made her gem warm with love for them. She held them tenderly in her arms, lowering her head occasionally to deliver tiny kisses to their heads.

Spinel was strangely calm about leaving Pink’s room for perhaps the last time. Maybe it was because Steven was here with her, or because she knew she could always come back if she really wanted to. But she didn’t want to. Deep down, she knew she had enough of remembering Pink in other ways to ever need to come back to this room again.

“Steven?”

“Yeah?”

“…Thanks.” The boy smiled at her in response, shifting his hold so that the pebbles in his arms didn’t slip as they walked.

The pearl quarters were located in the center of the palace, between all four of the wings of the four diamonds. It was marked by a simple door with the logo of the four-diamond insignia on it. Steven paused at it.

“At least one of them has to be home.” He decided to press all three at the same time. Blue Pearl materialized in front of them, followed by Yellow, and then Pink. Both Steven and Spinel were pleasantly surprised they had gotten all three.

“Hello Steven. Spinel,”Yellow Pearl greeted, “To what do we owe the pleasure?”

“Hey Pearls! We actually had a question for you guys. Do you know if anybody’s using the pink room? I know it used to be Pink Pearl’s room, but White Diamond has her staying in the one above still, right?”

“Oh, yes, I am,”Pink Pearl confirmed, “I was moved to the top room when White, um…repurposed me. I visit the room below from time to time out of nostalgia, but I still have 8,000 year’s worth of things in there, so I never thought to move. No one has lived in my old room since…um…,”she paused, gesturing vaguely to her eye. Everyone understood.

“Follow up question, then. What do you think about Spinel taking the empty room and living with you guys?” he asked, nodding his head in Spinel’s direction in lieu of his hands being full of squirming, excited pebbles.

“Here? I don’t see why not. It’s been empty for ages since your pearl lives with you now,”Blue Pearl said in her soft voice, turning to Spinel with a tilt of her head, “Is something wrong with Pink’s room?”

“Only that it’s haunted,”Spinel said with an uneasy laugh. Steven offered an equally as uneasy smile, and Yellow and Blue simply didn’t get it. Spinel deadpanned, realizing her dark joke didn’t hit. “Right, yeah no, I just needed a change of scenery. I’ll find someplace else if four’s a crowd, though.”

“Oh no, I would like it if you lived closer to us,”Blue Pearl said, surprising Spinel yet again with her unexpected warm regard for her, despite her monotone voice and expressionless face. Spinel was still getting used to it, but she liked Blue Pearl a lot regardless. A wide grin spread across her face.

“Really?”

“The South Wing is removed and isolated from the rest of the palace. Naturally you would want to be closer to the diamonds,”Yellow Pearl remarked.

“And you guys,”Spinel added, drawing a small smile out of all three pearls, “I wanna be closer to you guys.” This got a real smile out of Blue Pearl, teeth and all. It was a rare sight, but one that Spinel treasured all the more because she had to work to get it.

“How wonderful! And you’re bringing the pebbles, too!”Pink Pearl said, folding her hands together.

“Come on, let’s put them down and I’ll help you reconfigure the door,”Steven suggested. It stood to reason that only the corresponding colored diamond and their pearl could open each door. Steven had figured out how to reset many of the doors that had been blocked off in Pink’s wing to open more rooms for gems to live in. He could reset this one, too.

Steven opened the door with ease and gestured for Spinel to go in. She felt a little bit like an intruder invading someone else’s space as she walked into yet another empty pink room. This one, however, was at least not as spacious and empty as Pink’s room. Spinel set the pebbles down gently on the floor, and they got to work exploring their new home right away.

“Each room can connect to another’s. Pink and Yellow will show you their door. Here’s mine,”Blue explained, gesturing to a hidden panel on the wall. When she pressed it, an oval-shaped blue door appeared. She opened it with a grin. Spinel’s mouth hung open a bit as she looked beyond at a more furnished blue room identically shaped as hers.

“That’s so cool! We could all visit each other whenever we wanted!”she exclaimed, already loving this idea, “…Are you guys sure you’re okay with me being here?”

“Of course!” Now that her hands were free, Spinel couldn’t help but rush all three pearls for a hug, wrapping her arms three times around them and squishing their faces together. Blue and Pink laughed, while Yellow rolled her eyes.

“Thank you thank you thank you,”Spinel blabbered. Steven watched from afar, smiling at the sight.

“Ready to go update the diamonds about your new location?” Spinel released the three pearls and turned to Steven. The shift in mood was visible on her face.

“Y-yeah.”

“Wait…You didn’t ask permission beforehand?” Pink Pearl asked quietly, her hand coming up to cover her mouth in shock. The other pearls appeared to look nervous as well. Spinel didn’t want to, but her gaze fell on Pink Pearl’s broken eye again.

Steven wasn’t ignorant as to what they were nervous about. The diamonds weren’t exactly known for being kind and merciful rulers in their past. He quickly stood between them to diffuse the tension, putting a hand on Spinel’s shoulder.

“Yup, we’re going to go talk to them together. I’ll tell them it was my idea, so don’t worry about your new roommate! I’ll have her back in a few,”he reassured them, shooing Spinel out of her new room before the pearls could worry Spinel further.

Spinel was unusually silent as they walked in the direction of the throne room. Given the size of the palace, it would take a few minutes. Steven had the sense not to just warp them there. Spinel was obviously tense.

“…They’re not going to be mad. If anything, they’ll be happy for you, that you found a place that works better for you.”

“…You’re going to tell them about what I did, too, aren’t you?” Steven had nearly forgotten about that.

“Oh. Yeah, I guess I should, since I’m here. Yellow’s probably expecting me to, huh?” Steven peered over at Spinel, surprised to see her so visibly distressed.

“Hey, whoa. Stop. What’s wrong? Blue and Yellow both attacked me two years ago and incubated a cluster of broken gem shards for thousands of years with the intent to destroy my planet. You hardly did anything compared to that.”

“I’m not worried about Blue or Yellow,”Spinel said quietly, her voice dropping to a whisper. Steven glanced around. The hallway was empty, but he knew how the walls tended to have eyes and ears of their own.

“…Can I tell you a secret, Steven?”

“Of course. Here.” He summoned a large bubble around them to incubate their voices and keep outsiders from barging in. Spinel took in a deep breath, steadying herself.

“I…I’m kind of scared of White.” This admittance didn’t surprise Steven – White _was_ intimidating, and he was still working through his own trauma of having said diamond forcibly rip out his gem from his body two years ago, among other things. But it had been over a month since Spinel had started living with the diamonds. Had something happened?

“She’s really affectionate and nice. She says some insensitive things sometimes, but I really really love her, and I know she’s trying…,” Spinel stopped, her expression shifting.

“…Did she ever tell you why her colonies have never had any problems? Like how Yellow and Blue have had occasional small rebellions on theirs from gems that don’t want to come back to Homeworld? ”she asked instead, her voice suddenly quiet. The change of tone startled Steven.

“Because they’re older and more developed I guess?”he guessed.

“No, because she punished any dissenters so severely that nobody dared to rebel if there was a problem.” Steven felt the slight tremble of her form as he leaned in close to hear better. She was whispering, as if afraid someone might overhear, even inside the bubble.

“The stories she tells about her colony conquests aren’t like the ones Yellow and Blue tell. They’re scary,”Spinel continued, “She’s destroyed more planets than she’s colonized. If they’re not perfect, she’d shatter those responsible for making it so. Gems aren’t even allowed to talk to each other, to keep the colony operational. I couldn’t imagine how lonely that would be. She talks about it like it’s a good thing, though.”

“I guess that makes sense. That’s kind of how she’s operated herself. Governing from afar with limited contact…”

“I’m scared of her, Steven. She tells me how much I’m like Pink, and…I don’t think it’s a good thing when she says it. I…honestly wonder if she’d shatter me if I was anything less than what she wants. And what she wants is…Pink.”

“She wouldn’t,”Steven immediately assured her, “She loves you, Spinel.”

“What’s going to happen to me when she doesn’t?”she argued softly.

“Nothing, because she won't hurt you,”he tried to reassure her, “She’s…a lot, but she’s come a long way. Plus, I’ve already had over a dozen conversations about why her idealistic expectations are actually really harmful and debilitating to her loved ones, so…hopefully it sunk in at least once.”

“And if it didn’t? I have to keep playing her role, Steven. She likes me now, but if she saw how bad I am…How bad I was to you, when you’re all she talks about…” She didn’t finish. He had been so much nicer to him than she deserved, but she still couldn’t help the thought that the diamonds would always choose Steven over her.

“We can’t not keep this from her, Spinel. If we don’t tell them, Yellow will.”

“I know, I just….,”she paused, her pigtails flattening, “Even with her empire dismantled, she still has influence over Blue and Yellow. If she’s not okay with it, they won’t be, either.”

“I’m here for you. It’ll be quick and painless. And if it’s not? You have me and my shield. But I’m not going to let it come to the point of me needing to use it.” Tears filled Spinel’s eyes as she wrapped her arms around herself.

“…What if they don’t want me after this? What if they take me not wanting Pink’s room as me not wanting to be her, and they leave me for it?”

“Then you come to Earth.” Spinel looked up.

“What?”

“A new room isn’t as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be. It’s going to be okay. But even if it’s not, you’re not going to be homeless or without friends, Spinel. There’s a whole city of displaced gems back on Earth who would be happy to have you. You’re not going to be alone when you come out of this, no matter what. I won’t let this be the end for you.” Spinel stared at Steven, hardly believing his words. Tears filled her eyes, but she quickly wiped them away. She had to be strong for this.

“Don’t leave me,”she pleaded softly.

“I won’t.” He dropped the bubble and slowly guided her forward. Spinel immediately slipped her hand into his, and Steven let her. Her other hand came around his arm, her fingers curling against his jacket. Right now she needed to borrow Steven’s strength.

The diamonds were where Steven had left them, chatting together in the throne room. They stopped talking when Steven and Spinel entered together.

“Oh Steven!”Blue exclaimed happily, “How wonderful! We thought you said you were leaving soon. Did you change your mind?”

“No, I still have to go after this. We have something to tell you guys, though, if you have a second.”  
  


“Oh? Dear me, our sweet Steven and Spinel…you haven’t come to announce that you are secretly in love, have you?” Steven looked down at their conjoined hands and shot White an unamused look. 

“No. But we do need to talk – all of us. Spinel’s a part of your family now, so she’s a part of this, too,”Steven paused, only continuing when he had the diamond’s full attention on him. “First of all, it’s important that we’re all honest with each other. And I don’t want there to be lies and half-truths between us.” Steven squeezed Spinel’s hand, stepping a fraction of an inch closer to her. She was silent, bracing herself for what was to come.

“Spinel and I didn’t just run into each other on Earth. Mom tricked her into staying in the garden to wait for her and she was rightfully angry and hurt when she saw our broadcast explaining that Mom was long gone. She took one of Mom’s injectors and used it to attack Earth to get revenge on the gems she thought Mom left her for. That’s why the planet was in shambles when you guys got there, and that’s why I haven’t visited in so long – I’ve been busy cleaning up after her injector exploded,”Steven explained, feeling Spinel nearly crush his hand, “We wanted to let you know that Spinel and I are okay now, and that we worked things out. She didn’t want there to be secrets you don’t know about her between you guys, or for you to not know why she might still have weird feelings about me or Earth. She’s made her amends and I forgive her, and I wanted you to hear that from me.” Spinel kept her head down.

“I really am sorry. I won’t hurt him again,”she managed. The diamonds looked between each other.

“Is that all?” Spinel’s head shot up.

“Dear me, I don’t think even Yellow and I even made a dent on Earth when _we_ attacked Steven…,”Blue said reminiscently, “I think our ships took more damage than the Earth did…”

“Oh well, it was already an ugly planet to begin with,”White said with a shake of her head, “Does this mean you now have an opportunity to redecorate, Steven?” Steven deadpanned.

“You guys aren’t…mad?”Spinel asked, looking confused. Her gaze landed on White.

“As long as you’re both safe and okay, why ever would we be, Darling?”Blue said with a gentle smile.

“We’re just glad you’re friends now,”Yellow added with a knowing smile. Spinel didn’t know what to say to this. She was still reeling from such an anti-climactic easy response. 

“There’s one more thing, too,”Steven continued before Spinel had a chance to recover from the shock that she wasn’t going to be shattered. Her pigtails whipped across her head as she turned to look at Steven. Her gem suddenly felt like an anvil, a weight dropping in her chest. She wasn’t sure if she was ready for more yet, not when she was still reeling from the shock of how well they had taken the truth. Steven hesitated, considering his choice of words.

“…Guys, Spinel _loves_ you.” Spinel blinked. That was not what she thought he was going to open with.

“And I know you love her, too, otherwise you wouldn’t be so worried about her. But her being scared to tell you anything is part of the reason she’s not doing okay. I tell you guys this all the time, but I’m _not Pink Diamond_. And I tolerate it when you guys mess up and keep talking like I am, because I’m used to it and I can handle it. But Spinel has been hurting because of what Mom did for 6,000 years, and being vulnerable to gems who say they love you is really scary for her after that. If you guys want to have a relationship that lasts longer than Mom’s did with Spinel, you need to knock it off and stop comparing her to the gem she’s still hurting for. Spinel isn’t Pink Diamond, either. She’s _better_ than Pink.” Spinel stared at Steven, too taken back by his statement to even think of stopping him.

“She’s loyal, and everything she does, she does to make her friends happy. She makes mistakes, but she tries to make up for them. She’s learning to talk about her feelings instead of hiding or running from them. She loves her friends and she takes care of them, even when she’s hurting herself. You guys are lucky to have Spinel.” Spinel looked blankly between Steven and the diamonds. Inside, two cogs had crashed together and were burning smoke in her head. She didn’t understand. She couldn’t begin to comprehend why Steven was building her up like this to the diamonds, never mind how she didn’t believe anything he said was true. She stared at him blankly as she felt her face warm.

“I know you guys meant well, but you can’t just give her all Pink’s old things and expect her to fill her place. You do it with me, and now you’re doing it with Spinel. She just lost her best friend – she doesn’t want to be reminded of Pink all the time.” Steven turned directly to the diamond who knew grief the most intimately. “Blue, I know you understand how much that hurts.” Blue stared at Spinel, her eyes wide as she looked down at the little gem who shared her conflicting grief and anger. She thought she and Spinel had shared this. Why hadn’t she come talk to her about this before?

“Darling…please, come here.” Spinel slowly shook her head, holding tighter to Steven’s arm. The diamonds probably couldn’t see it, but Steven could feel her trembling.

“I…I moved out of Pink’s room,”Spinel finally got out. She couldn’t take the build-up anymore. If Steven wasn’t going to say it, she would rather get it over with, “I…want to live with the pearls, instead.”

“Why would you want to live there?”Yellow asked. Spinel didn’t look up.

“She’ll be with friends, and she’ll be closer to you guys, too,”Steven tried to explain.

“I-I know you said Pink would have wanted it that way, but it’s too hard. It hurts to be in there.”

“Well I don’t see a problem with that arrangement if it’s upsetting you. As I say, what’s the use in feeling blue?”Yellow said first. Spinel didn’t know why Yellow being the first to accept her proposal surprised her. If anything, she thought Blue would be the most understanding, but of course Yellow understood the futility in living in grief. She had watched her closest companion suffer for it.

“If this will make you happy, Darling,”Blue said slowly, “I’ll try to take what Steven said into account.” White hesitated. Spinel could feel her large eyes boring into her. Her fingers dug into Steven’s arm.

“A spinel living among pearls, though? In the royal palace?” Spinel flinched, her hand tightening in Steven’s. She waited as White grappled with her desire for order and the obvious pain on Spinel’s face. White sighed.

“I suppose we have seen stranger things in the last two years, though, especially now that Steven has taken it upon himself to rearrange my once-perfect empire,”she said with a pointed dramatic sigh in Steven’s direction, “But if it will keep that sweet smile on your face, Starlight, then I suppose I must concede my blessing.”

“Thank you,”Spinel said breathlessly, hardly believing her luck. Had she just made a way bigger deal out of this all than it was? Did the diamonds truly love her more than she thought?

“Darling, why didn’t you tell us you didn’t want to live there before now, though?”Blue asked, concerned. Spinel didn’t know what to say.

“I didn’t know I could ask until Steven suggested it,”she answered. She turned to Yellow. “But I’m trying to be honest, like how we talked about.” Yellow smiled at her.

“Well done, little one.”

“Silly Spinel. Come now, where’s that smile we love?”White bent down to gently wipe her tears away, “All this worrying for nothing.” Spinel forced a laugh, lightly pushing White’s finger away.

“Oh, well if a smile is all you wanted, I could have just done this,”she said, flipping herself over for a handstand, twisting her face into an exaggerated frown for dramatic effect. Yellow guffawed; Blue and White smiled. Blue kneeled down next to White as Spinel flipped herself back up. Her finger came to gently nuzzle the pink gem’s head.

“I like your real smile better,”Blue said softly. Spinel stretched her arms wide to press against either side of Blue’s face, squishing her cheeks together.

“I like your smile most.” The three diamonds laughed at the silly faces Spinel was creating on Blue. Spinel felt herself relax. She was home here, with their laughter and their forgiveness – always surprising her and reassuring her that her diamonds still loved her, at least for now.

“You feel better now?” Steven’s hand was suddenly on her shoulder, and she turned around, having nearly forgotten he was there. She retracted her hands and turned to him, grinning wide. She nodded.

“You want to walk me to the warp pad?”

“You’re leaving?” She was surprised by how disappointed she sounded. Steven shrugged.

“I came to fill them in, and now we have. You’re okay now, right?”

“Y-yeah,”she said slowly, then more confidently as she looked back at the three waiting diamonds, “Yeah, I am!”

“Good.” Steven said his goodbyes to the diamonds and pulled Spinel along with him before the diamonds could get too carried away with their pleas for him to stay. Spinel promised she would be right back. The warp pad wasn’t far, and they paused before he got to it.

“You got everything you need?”he asked. Spinel nodded.

“I’m really glad they took it well. I knew they would, but mostly I’m glad for you,”Steven continued, “You can rest easy, knowing they just want you to be happy, even when you tell them things they might not like. Even you-know-who.” Spinel nodded again, casting the waiting diamonds a fond sideways glance.

“What you said back there…about me being better than Pink,”Spinel started, suddenly shy, “…That’s the nicest thing anybody’s ever said to me in my entire existence.”

“I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true,”he assured her with a small smile, “Anybody with eyes can see what a good friend you are to the pebbles, and the pearls, and the diamonds. You’ve got a big heart, Spinel, no matter which way it’s facing.” Spinel’s mind blanked as tears threatened to rise. She stared at him with wide eyes, ever disbelieving that she was worth such kind words, confused why he of all people was the one saying them. 

She didn’t understand why she was worth the trouble he had gone through today to sit with her, talk her out of her rage, and even advocate for her to the diamonds. She didn’t ask, though. She knew she wouldn’t believe whatever nice answer he had for her. She wasn’t there yet. She didn’t have the confidence in herself to believe that she was worthy of the kindness and love surrounding her. The pebbles being enthusiastic to move after 10,000 years of being in that room, the pearls accepting her into their space, the diamonds so readily forgiving her, Steven taking the time to listen. She still didn’t feel good enough, but being surrounded by people who challenged that belief – she could feel herself changing. If Steven, the person who had every right to see nothing but hatred and destruction from her, could still see something of value in her, then there was no reason she couldn’t try to see herself as someone worth sticking around for, too.

“Y’know, I’m…actually really glad you came over. You make me want to try even harder. And y’know what? Someday I’m going to be the kind of gem who deserves to call you a friend.”

“I already told you. We’re already friends.”

“We both know I’ve gotta long way to go before I’ve earned that right. Besides, I wanna work for it,”Spinel said with a small smile, determined, “I’ve been scared of losing everyone I get close to since I got here, because I remember how close I felt with Pink before she did what she did. I don’t want to be scared anymore, though. I feel like…I might be able to be happy here, if I could trust people to treat me better than Pink did. The diamonds are trying so hard, so I should, too. I think I want to try the next one on my own. I can do it.” Steven grinned widely, enthused by Spinel’s conviction in herself.

“There’s really nothing you have to earn at this point, but I’m really glad you want to help yourself be better. Why don’t you come visit me on Earth when you feel like you’re in a good place? We can hang out for real.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,”Steven assured her, “Just…leave your injector at home, please.” They both shared a laugh at this. Steven looked toward the warp pad, ready to leave. Spinel hesitated, wanting to ask for a hug but stopping herself when she remembered she had just said she wanted to work for his friendship. She stared at him wantingly as he stepped onto the warp pad, yearning for the comfort she knew he could give her and feeling a familiar sense of panic well up within her whenever someone left. Luckily the diamonds were still waiting behind them, ready to receive Spinel with open arms the moment Steven would leave her. She was safe here. She would always be safe here. This was her home, and she had people waiting to receive her with open arms, even as she watched another pink diamond warp away from her.

“See you soon?” Spinel took a breath in and nodded. When she looked up, her eyes were clear and determined.

“Yeah. See you soon.”

Spinel was calm as Steven beamed away in a flash of light.


	6. White Diamond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel and White Diamond finally have a heart-to-heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Work, holidays, and personal issues have not been kind to me these past few weeks, so thank you all for your patience in waiting for the final chapter. This chapter has the least amount of plot thus far, and it still turned out quite long. White Diamond is an enigmatic character we probably know the least about, and it was a struggle to fight the temptation to not just wait until we see more of her in SU Future. Her transformation from shameless abuser to nurturing grandma was the least believable to me in the show, and frankly still is. I suspect her actions have had the deepest consequences and, if she's sincere about wanting to change and connect with loved ones instead of using them, that she's going to be paying for those consequences for a long time with distance and mistrust. I tried to keep White Diamond's intentions on a loving and healing trajectory rather than the emotionally abusive and manipulation that we know she's capable of, because I'm cautiously hopeful for her and because it's closer to canon. Let's keep our finger's crossed in SU Future, though, that she doesn't slip back into old habits - for White's sake and for Spinel's.

Chapter 6: White Diamond

Blue and Yellow had wanted to spend the day together, and White was, once again, alone in an empty room. Distance and time had held the illusion that she was forever an all-powerful, perfect being, and for most of her existence, that was exactly how she wanted to be seen. Always watching, judging her family and her empire from a safe distance, but never a part of it. By all means, she should be used to this.

But the last two years had been a reminder of how much fuller these enormous halls felt with laughter instead of silence. Steven had shown her how having people by her side instead of below her was just, if not more meaningful. With no one to follow her commands, no one expecting her to deliver perfection, she was free to be herself, and free to simply be a member of her family again. It was both liberating and terrifying. Terrifying because being alone kept her safe - from the idea that she was anything less than perfect, and from having to be vulnerable at all. She was safe with Blue and Yellow. They were family. They would always be by her side, no matter what. White may not be perfect, but she was still loved and needed as long as they still wanted her. She had to believe that.

But she hated when Blue and Yellow left for the day. Without any of her court left to fear her, and without Blue and Yellow to love her, White had nothing. White _was_ nothing. Nothing but herself – and that had always been the hardest thing for her to face.

Except now she had Spinel. The little gem was such a welcome addition to their family, and filled the hole Pink had vacated so effortlessly. Spinel apparently didn't like being reminded of that, though, according to Steven.

White and Yellow hadn't known Spinel felt so strongly against being reminded of Pink until Steven had said so last week. Blue guiltily admitted she did suspect better, but even Blue couldn't get the extent of the truth from their friend. They all knew now that Spinel was a fantastic actress. Unlike Pink with her loud tantrums and constant whining, Spinel kept her distress hidden and rarely voiced any displeasure. It wasn't exactly a flattering notion to any of the three diamonds, that their little treasure felt more comfortable confiding to someone she barely knew (and had tried to kill) than the three gems who took her in and swore to love her. Spinel was guarded with White in particular, and White itched to know _why. _

Sometimes, when White looked at the little pink gem, she could see past the plastic smiles and forced laughter and see a familiar haunting loneliness weighed in her eyes. White recognized it because she knew the feeling intimately. She knew how painful it was to watch people live their lives without you. Like White, Spinel knew what it meant to feel left behind. It was etched on the marks on her face, burned into a darker color palette than was appropriate for a spinel, twisted so plainly in the direction of her gem. She never commented on it, but White - always observant - noticed a moment of panic flicker in Spinel's eyes whenever someone left the room. Despite the smiles, Spinel was always hurting. 

The little gem was with her now, but not for long. White watched with a frown as even Spinel looked ready to leave her, too.

"Starlight, wherever are you going?" Spinel turned around, looking surprised.

"I told you, I made plans with the pearls today."

"Oh. Yes I do remember you mentioning something of the sort. Well, I suppose I can just…count the tiles in the throne room. All by myself. After 8,000 years, I suppose I'm _used_ to being alone,"she said with a dramatic sigh. Spinel frowned. She hated when White did this, but she wasn't about to leave White alone– the one thing Spinel was more sensitive about than anyone. Spinel didn't doubt for a second White knew that and was using it against her.

"Aw, come on, White. You're literally the greatest gem in the galaxy. A gem for all gems. You must have tons of friends from all over the universe you can hang with. Do you want to call them or go visit?" White's expression shifted into a frown, taken back by Spinel's question.

"Call…who?"

"Your friends. I mean, you don't just hang out with Blue and Yellow all the time, right? You must know a bunch of gems with all the colonies you created." White didn't know what to say. She was slightly taken back by Spinel's naive assumption that of course she _should_ have other acquaintances other than Yellow and Blue. She didn't know how to admit that, since the moment her subjects were freed, most if not all gems had run from her as fast as they could. Her former subjects had no love for her – fear had been the only thing keeping them there. White often wondered if Spinel wasn't secretly afraid, too. She was more reserved with her than she was with Yellow and Blue, never straying far from her jokes and games and always wearing a smile with White around. It wasn't so different from how White would fake her own faultlessness to others. Spinel, like White, knew how to put on a show to save face.

"Ah, well…you see, there was no time for friends in Era 2,"she said matter-of-factly with a practiced smile of her own, "No, simply too much to do. I was quite busy, keeping the empire in perfect shape. No time at all." Spinel cocked her head.

"Aw come on, White. Not even oooooone….", stretching her finger as her voice drawled on until her finger was nearly as tall as White herself, "…oooooone buddy like me?" White looked uncomfortable as Spinel took the opportunity her finger was level with White to teasingly boop White's nose. This got a weak smile, but nothing more.

"I'm afraid not, Starlight." Spinel retracted her finger, her expression shifting from teasing to concern. White was guarded with her more recent past. She preferred to speak to the actions of others rather than herself. Spinel loved her, of course, but even after over a month of living here, she could easily say that White was the diamond she felt the least closest to. She barely knew her, other than that she was affectionate and manipulative, beautiful and fearsome, intelligent and controlling. She held fast to the idea that she was above imperfection and rarely shared anything that might disprove that theory. It intimidated Spinel. It made her feel lesser, and Spinel hated feeling that way. Spinel didn't love her any less – stars knew Spinel had her own negative traits. It just made Spinel less willing to open up to her.

"Oh,"was all she could think to say.

"Yes, the top can be a lonely place to be,"White admitted with a sigh, then seeming to catch herself, added, "Not that I _minded_, of course." Spinel frowned. She imagined White as Blue and Yellow had told her, sitting alone in her ship for thousands of years. It was not so unsimilar to Spinel's solitude in the garden.

"I would have minded,"she said honestly, placing a tiny gloved hand against White's ankle. There was unsurety in White's eyes, and Spinel had to wonder if White really was as unconcerned with loneliness as she claimed she was. Spinel decided not to risk White's feelings. She knew what it was like to feel left out, and she didn't need her programmed "friend" instincts to want to make sure White didn't feel that way again, too.

"…Do you want me to stay with you? I can hang out with the pearls later." White's countenance lit up, the feeling of unease earlier disappearing. Spinel recognized the unbridled joy on her face – it was the same look of relief that came from a lonely individual finally being invited and included. Spinel knew it because she felt it every day with the diamonds.

"I would be loathe to pass an opportunity to spend time with you, Starlight." Spinel smiled. Coiled legs shot her skyward, her best efforts only getting her to White's elbow, where she repeated the trick until she had landed solidly on White's shoulder. She hung her feet over the edge of White's shoulder pad, swinging them back and forth a little and staring down at the massive distance she had put herself from the ground. White's enormous head turned to look at the tiny pink gem perched on her shoulder. She was so big that Spinel felt the rustle of wind as the very air hummed with her movements.

"You're so sweet to keep me company, Starlight. How I love you." Spinel smiled, real and genuine, her black tear tracks pulling back against the grin that split her face. Stars, did she love to hear that.

"I'd carry you around with me all day if I didn't have to share you,"White continued, lifting a finger up to push gently against her foot. Spinel pushed back with a giggle, playing a game of tug of war with White that White easily could have won, if she didn't love the sound of teasing Spinel's laughter out of her so much.

"I'm made eeeeextra stretchy so you don't have to share!"Spinel said, stretching her arms and looping them repeatedly around White's massive finger until it was entirely covered in pink limbs. White smiled at the gesture. For Spinel's sake, she didn't say it, but she remembered how adamantly Pink had wanted to spend time all together, chasing away her fellow diamond's loneliness with games and smiles. Spinel did the same, bringing them together, making each of them feel a little less alone than they were, even when they were apart.

"You have a gift of making even the loneliest gems feel cherished, my star,"White said, "It's no wonder Pink loved you so." Spinel's smile faded slightly, both at the mention of Pink's name and at the implication that White was lonely.

"That was a long time ago, though, right? You're not lonely anymore?" A giant finger came up to gently rest over Spinel's tiny hand curled over her nail. The pad of her finger carefully stroked the tiny digits of Spinel's fingers.

"Blue and Yellow have always had each other, from the very beginning. I have more time and reason to spend with them now, thanks to Steven. But even now I feel the distance between us. They are very close to each other, and I missed out on many opportunities to share closeness with them, too. It's days like this when they're gone that I'm grateful for your company most, Starlight. Even though I know you would rather spend your day with others you have more in common with." Spinel frowned.

"That's not true. You're fun to hang out with,"Spinel reassured her, "I don't have anything in common with Yellow Pearl, either, but she's a hoot! That's never bothered me much."

"Yes, well…I'm no stranger to the fact that I am not the preferred choice for easy company."

"Psh, noooooo that's not true,"Spinel laughed for lack of a ready lie.

"Oh, it's alright, really. As Steven has pointed out _hundreds_ of times, I have spent most of my existence seeking to be feared rather than being loved. I suppose it's only natural it may take time for others to move past their resentments."

"But you've changed a lot since then,"Spinel argued, "Right?" Of course she had, Spinel reasoned. An unforgiving, merciless ruler to a free gem advocating for independence. Complete isolation to a compassionate friend. Out of anyone, White had surely changed the most.

Then why was Spinel so unconvinced that White had also outgrown her exasperation of things that fell short of her expectations? If White was so different now, why did Spinel never feel truly safe to be herself around her, even when she wanted to so badly? Why did Spinel feel embarrassed of her new form? Why had she been so scared of White's reaction specifically when she and Steven had asked for a new room?

"Only as much as I'm able, Starlight. Change is a slower and more difficult process for us gems. It goes against our very nature to change who we are, but we try." She wasn't wrong, but Spinel wasn't sure she liked White's lack of conviction.

"I like how you are now,"Spinel said honestly, swinging her legs a little from her high place on White's shoulder, "I bet lots of other gems will see how great you are, too, now that they're not just working for you. And then you'll have more friends than just me, Blue, and Yellow. A whole army of friends instead of an army of subjects! Wouldn't that be swell?" White smiled sadly, appreciating the little gem's optimism but knowing that she wasn't cut out for such a feat. She wasn't made for friends like Spinel was. She couldn't yet imagine a future where she felt included with other gems when she didn't even feel completely included with her own family. They had, after all, opted to spend the day together, without her.

"You can hardly know what other gems think of me, but I appreciate the sentiment, Starshine. Why, you're the first lesser gem who has ever been able to climb high enough to sit by my side." Spinel shifted, wrapping her arms around her legs, tucked against her chest. She didn't like how White emphasized the word "lesser," but it was nonetheless true. Spinel was likely the first gem that White Diamond had allowed near her. Spinel was used to spending her time with diamonds, but White was new to sharing her company with other gems. Sitting next to White Diamond's might, Spinel could understand why gems were intimidated by her. If only they saw how earnest she was, how much she tried even when it must be scary to be open to other gems after so long. Spinel could relate to White's social anxiety. 

"I guess…Now that I think about it, we've never hung out just us together, have we?"Spinel asked, looking up at the giant head next to her, "Blue and Yellow have always been with us."

"I suppose not..."

"We could do anything we wanted!"

"Yes, I suppose we could." Silence fell between them. For all they had in common, both were at a loss of how to connect. White, frozen by fear of vulnerability, and Spinel, snared in fear of her friend's reproach. Spinel waited, her mind reeling for a game or an idea for what to do that White wouldn't think was too silly, too crass for her impeccable standards. It was always so easy when it was all four of them. Yellow was such an easy audience, and Blue had so many laughs and smiles to make up for all the tears she had cried. Why couldn't she think of something to do with White? With every passing second of silence, Spinel felt her panic start to rise. She opened her mouth to blurt out something - anything - when White suddenly spoke.

"Come to think of it…I never spent much time with just Pink, either,"she said reflectively. Spinel froze. She wasn't sure she was willing to broach the subject of Pink yet again, but the desperate entertainer in her decided it would be more preferable to sitting in silence, letting White be bored.

"…How come? Too busy ruling the galaxy?"

"No. Fun and games had no regular place in my perfect order. I indulged her occasionally, until I was…exasperated." Spinel stared at her, a familiar pit of self-conscious dread forming in her center. She immediately wished she had changed the subject when she had the chance.

"She had promise to be a great leader, if she could ever sit still and stop playing. But I never believed she could change, and her attempts only disappointed me – the distance between us growing only wider for it. Repressing her destructive purpose, hiding her true nature, as if the garden she built for you could cover her childish immaturity from me. I deemed her behavior unfit for a diamond, and she rightly avoided my resentment." Spinel vaguely registered that her hands had come up to self-consciously dig at her form, the slight pain distracting her from the growing unease settling within her. Steven's words had become a sort of calming chant for her now in the last week, and she mentally repeated them to herself now as she struggling to contain her rising panic. _I'm not Pink Diamond I'm not Pink Diamond I'm not Pink Diamond. _

_But I was made for Pink, so wouldn't she be just as annoyed with me, too? She won't get exasperated with me like she did with Pink, right? She's changed. I have to believe that. _

_But am I as much of a disappointment as Pink was? Pink was family, but I'm disposable. Am I too much like her? Will she leave me for reminding her too much of her disappointments? If she does get as tired of me as she did with Pink…She's White Diamond. She could do whatever she wants…_

"Starlight? What's wrong?" Spinel's forced smile was back in place where it always was, effectively hiding her fear.

"Psh, nothing's wrong, why would anything be wrong? Now you're being silly, White. You sure you don't have other spinels around here teaching you jokes? Why didn't you introduce me?" Unfortunately White was as perceptive as Spinel was desperate.

"Forgive me, Starshine, I forgot. Did my bringing up Pink upset you?" Spinel was quiet for a moment. There was something in White's tone of voice that made Spinel suspect for a moment that White _knew_ that talking about Pink upset her and was bringing her up deliberately to make a point. It wasn't below her to do such a thing, but Spinel shook the thought away, willing herself to believe instead in White's better intentions. White was _asking_. She was giving Spinel an out, if she wanted it. But she couldn't bring herself to tell the truth. If White wanted to talk about Pink, Spinel would be a good friend and let White talk about her. Swallow the pain. Whatever her friend wants. 

"Nope!"Spinel lied too cheerfully. White hesitated a moment to study the little pink gem. 

"…Then if you would permit, would you favor me with one more question?" Spinel smiled wider to hide her immediate discomfort.

"If it'll make you happy,"Spinel replied automatically without meeting her eyes, ignoring the pit in her center.

"…Did Pink…ever talk to you about me?" Spinel turned to look at White. From a distance anyone wouldn't be able to see it, but Spinel had the privilege to witness the sadness in White's eyes, the weight she carried of already knowing Spinel's answer. The diamonds had asked her this, to an extent, many times before. But it was always framed with care and with an undertone of humor. Nobody seemed willing to face the inevitable truth that of course Pink would rant about her family's negative points to her best friend. Nobody wanted a reminder of the ways they had pushed Pink away.

"…Not a lot,"Spinel said honestly, "Only when you were mad or you punished her." Her answer was met with silence. She tried swinging her legs again, as if the act of pretending she was relaxed and enjoying herself would make it true. Spinel said seemed to have struck a chord, and White looked unsurely off into space.

"I see,"White finally said, "I suppose that makes sense."

_She didn't like the truth. She's going to hate me now for being too honest._

_Get it together, White is right there. _

_Why couldn't you just lie and tell her how much Pink loved her? That's all you're here for anyway, to help them feel better about Pink through you. _

_That's not true. Steven said I don't have to fill her space. I can be myself. _

_What does he know? Steven has other friends he can fall back on if being himself isn't enough. You're going to be abandoned and alone again if White doesn't like you. _

_That's not true. White wouldn't do that to me. She wouldn't chase another gem she likes away like she did with Pink. She says she wants to be better. She couldn't, she wouldn't, no matter how capable she is of doing it…_

Spinel's thoughts raced in a familiar dark spiral, her fingers once again finding the skin of her form and digging _hard_ to force the smile to stay on her face. It faltered at her spiraling eyes. Her head lowered into her knees, a familiar panic threatening tears to rise, but she held them down. Keep it together. She's watching.

"Spinel? Oh my. You look tense."

"Hah. Who's tense? Never met her!"she said with a forced laugh, jerking her head up so fast that her pigtails whooshed behind her. _Too close._

"Spinel."

"That's my name, don't wear it out!"

"Were you lying when you said that talking about Pink doesn't upset you?"

"Haha, why would I lie to White Diamond, silly? Just wondering if we can play a game now instead. All this talking's gotten me antsy, how about you?" White frowned, her gaze landing on Spinel's gloved hands, still clenched hard around her middle despite her best smile.

"You're quite gifted at hiding your distress, Starlight." Years of practice were the only thing that was able to keep Spinel's expression cemented even as she felt her gem drop.

"I'm not hiding anything. Just got lost in here for a second,"she laughed, wrapping her knuckles against her head, "All better now, though!" White Diamond sighed, and Spinel was horrified to hear that it sounded distinctly _exasperated._

"I wish you would speak openly, Starlight. I worry for you. I worry that you feel so scared of our rejection that you need Steven's shield to be able to speak your mind." Spinel's fake smile vanished in an instant and hardened in defensive irritation.

"I can speak my mind just fine without _Steven_. If you want to ask about Pink, we can talk about Pink. It's _fine_." She didn't mean to snap at White – she really, really didn't mean to. Spinel's hands came up over her mouth, as if to hold back any further display of anger that White might disapprove of. It wouldn't happen again, she wanted to say. It _couldn't_ happen again.

"Pink tried to tell us what was wrong when she was upset, and we still didn't listen... _I_ didn't listen,"White said slowly, unperturbed by Spinel's outburst, "I don't ask just to upset you, Starlight. But I…would like to know that, given the opportunity, I might do better this time, with you. Please tell me when something is upsetting you. I know something is." Spinel looked up. There was a strange softness in White's expression, a rare vulnerability that not many gems had the opportunity to see up close. White was trying to change, too, she reminded herself. Spinel had to believe that White hadn't purposely brought up Pink in order to make Spinel uncomfortable or use it as an opportunity to press her for her deepest secrets (although Spinel realized that was a possibility). She had to believe she was asking because she wanted to help Spinel in a way she hadn't been able to with Pink. Trust. She'll be okay. She took a deep breath.

"Not that there's_ anything _wrong, but…It's not like I would tell you even if there _was_ something wrong,"Spinel admitted carefully, "I know you mean well, but that's not why I'm here. I'm not going to bother you guys with my personal stuff." White's eyebrow lifted in confusion.

"Why do you think you are here?"

"I don't know, to remind you guys of Pink?" Spinel's cheeks reddened as the silence between them became too prolonged for comfort. White stared at Spinel with her large eyes. She was remembering past conversations, remembering the shadows that had fallen over Spinel's face at certain comments comparing her to her previous owner, framing them in her mind's eye with this new information. She remembered the daily whispers of Spinel hiding herself in a remote part of the palace to cry and hit herself with whatever she could find, always coming back to them with a cheery smile to hide the bruises as if nothing was wrong. For the longest time, White hadn't believed the rumors. Nothing could be wrong with their happy little Spinel. But…

"It must be quite distressing for you, to admit any unpleasant feelings you may have if you truly believed it was your only job to constantly remind us of the person who abandoned you." Spinel didn't know what to say. She was uncomfortable, being stared at, like she was suddenly naked to White, her fears bare for her to see. 

"I wonder why _you_ want to be here, if not to serve another diamond's wishes,"White continued when Spinel remained silent.

"I…just want to be a friend. To be _your_ friend, and Blue's, and Yellow's."

"I'd like that, too, Starlight,"White said with a gentle smile, "I would like a friend more than I'd like a ghost. You are similar and also very different from Pink. I'm glad for both, but I'm most glad for you." Spinel felt a small release at those words. She would never believe she was enough, but White at least understood Spinel's best intentions, even if she couldn't_ be_ Pink for them.

"…Did you know pink is not technically part of the light spectrum?" Spinel turned her head to look at White, curious at the change of topic.

"It is a color that must be combined with others to be seen. I've never easily understood it. I thought I understood everything– could understand her, too, but…well, Steven proved me wrong," White explained slowly, her demeanor contemplative, "I'd like to understand, though. I am inexperienced with being a friend. But I _am_ an experienced observer. Not understanding something…I'll admit it unnerves me. If I cannot control it, I want to at least know it. You are no less elusive to me than she was, Starlight. We hardly know each other, and I wish it weren't so."

"Is that…bad?"

"It was with Pink. I assumed many things about her that robbed me of the chance to actually know her. So when I bother you with my questions, Starlight, know that it's because you mean enough to me to ask this time. I want to know, so I can understand."

"I don't want you to know, though." White's expression shifted to one of surprise.

"I know you all want to make peace with the mistakes you made. But don't we all have some things we want kept secret?"

"Come here, Starlight,"she said, holding out her open palm for Spinel to step onto. The wind rustled through Spinel's hair as she was lifted up to White Diamond's face, her arms encircled around White's thumb to ground herself to her palm. When the motion stopped, Spinel let her head fall against the thumb, her eyes shifting restlessly until White's finger gently nudged her back, soothingly stroking her cheek, an unspoken reassurance that she was safe. Spinel's fingers curled around the giant digit, her eyes shifting away from White's.

"Your avoidance is not so difficult to understand,"White observed cooly, "You've been deceived by a diamond before, and it's understandable you don't trust us not to hurt you the way Pink did." Spinel looked up. White was an intelligent, observant being. Of course she would be able to guess at Spinel's insecurities. Spinel's gaze dropped, her eyes shifting uncomfortably away from White. She suddenly felt cornered. White's voice was calm, matter-of-fact. She may as well have been explaining how fusion works to a newly-emerged.

"You know I love you, Starlight. But like this, you are no closer to me than any of my former subjects. Why do you fear my rejection specifically so?"

For a moment, Spinel thought of telling her. But just as the thought came up, panic welled up within her, violent and fast. She couldn't do this. White would hate her. It wasn't worth it. She could keep this bottled up. It wasn't that big of a deal. Everything would be fine if Spinel was happy. Why couldn't she just pretend to be happy?

Then Spinel looked up, her gaze focusing on the diamonds in White's eyes, the same as Pink's. Spinel had been happy with Pink, and that hadn't been enough to make her stay. It took work, and honesty, Spinel had learned. Spinel thought back to the times she had had hard conversations with the diamonds, the pearls, and Steven. Talking had helped. Talking reassured her what people were really thinking and cut out the guess work. She didn't need to feel as anxious of whether they were going to leave when everything was on the table. She could do this. She had to do this. She couldn't stay terrified of one of her new best friends like this.

"Because you're White Diamond,"Spinel finally admitted, "You were made to rule over all gems, even Blue and Yellow. Even with the colonies liberated, your opinion still affects theirs. It affects everyone, even when you don't mean it to."

"So it does,"White agreed as Spinel wrapped an arm around White's thumb, anchoring herself, "What is it you are afraid I will tell them?"

"…You'll use it against me." Spinel said it before she could think about how hurtful the accusation was, but it was no less true. White was good and kind to her, but Spinel had seen how she liked to guilt people into doing her bidding.

"I suspect I can already guess,"she said nonchalantly, moving her thumb to rub affectionately against Spinel's side. The taciturn tone of her voice contrasted her gentle ministrations. "My suspicions were confirmed when Yellow told us you did not want to be left alone. You fear abandonment. You are afraid that we will reject you and leave you. Am I correct?" Spinel barely registered the soothing sensations of White rubbing her finger against her. Her eyes were wide and unfocused as she stared into her knees, her hands clenching tightly around her middle. Somewhere in her awareness she knew White was looking down at her with her giant eyes. Her silence was all the confirmation White needed.

"Naturally, I am. Starlight, look at me." White used her free hand to gently tilt Spinel's head up with the tip of her nail. She was surprised to see tears shining in the little gem's eyes, her expression pitifully afraid and her lower lip trembling, the plastic smile gone.

"What assurance can I give you that will bring back that smile I love?" Spinel didn't know if she could ever smile again around White, knowing that she knew her weakness. White _knew._ She knew how to hit Spinel where it hurt, no matter how much effort Spinel had gone to hide her vulnerability from the one person who had the most power in the galaxy to hurt her. In her panic she wondered how she could have better hid it. She shouldn't have been so selfish and requested company from Yellow. She should have never let Steven insinuate that she was afraid to be open with them. She should have been more careful about where she had her breakdowns. She should have been more careful to hide her bruises. Should have should have should have, but it was too late now. If Spinel failed now, White would know exactly how to break her. Tears burned in Spinel's eyes as she looked at the diamond that, she now realized, she didn't trust at all _not_ to.

"Now, now…Why do you look so scared when you look at me, Starlight?"White asked, her eyebrows drawn low over her brow in concern. It was a look she recognized in her former subjects and her court, but never a look she ever wanted to see in a friend. Spinel was _terrified_ of her.

"…I'm not,"she lied, her voice small and quiet. White frowned.

"Since the day you came here, you've been more distant with me than with Blue or Yellow…,"White remarked, her voice tinged with a hint of sadness, "But I don't understand why. Am I so irredeemable that not even a gem made to be a friend can tolerate me?"

Spinel looked away in shame. Spinel knew what it was like to feel unwanted and left behind for other friends. She knew what it was like to feel irredeemably unloved.

"I never wanted you to feel like I don't love you, too,"she said honestly, looking earnestly up at White so that she could see the tears hanging from the corners of her eyes, baring her sincerity. She never wanted anyone to feel the way she did, especially someone who had so readily and generously taken her in like White had.

Spinel remembered her conviction last week when Steven had left. She had to bring this up. There was nothing left to hide. She couldn't not know how White felt, not when she still felt such a fool for not understanding why Pink had left. She had to do better. She had to try; she had spent too much time waiting for answers as it was. White watched the nervous shift in the smaller gem's posture, her pigtails stiffening, the nervous tick of her fingers against her side.

"It's just…I don't really have any good or even any neutral memories of you." Spinel held her breath, waiting for White's reaction. She was met with calm neutrality.

"Go on,"White encouraged.

"…I remember you used to hate anything that wasn't perfect. Pink didn't think I understood what she was going through, so she didn't talk about it a whole lot to me, but I remember…. I waited for her a few times in your war council meetings. She'd tell me to be very still and quiet so I didn't bother anyone…and I'd do it, because it was an order, but also because she'd give me hugs and tickles for doing a good job afterward." Spinel paused to collect herself.

"I can't stop remembering one time, though….You asked what she would do about a rebel unit attacking one of Blue's new colonies. She gave an answer you didn't like. You guys got in a big fight. You…called her a worthless excuse of a diamond. And you told her…you told her you'd lock her in her room and leave her there alone if she didn't stop wasting her time with me and start taking her responsibilities more seriously. And you did. I wasn't allowed to play with her for three whole light cycles. It…hurt to watch her. I sat outside her room, waiting for her to be allowed to come out, but she told me to go hide, because you might take me away from her. It…was the first time since I was created that I cried." Spinel paused, feeling White's troubled gaze on her, but not daring to meet her eyes now.

"I know you guys have all worked really hard to change. I'm still working on myself, too. I wanna believe we can all be better versions of ourselves someday. But I just…can't stop thinking about that day, and how sad Pink always was, and how disappointed you always were that she wasn't like you wanted. And then I start thinking. I'm not…how I'm supposed to look. I'm not funny or cute anymore, like how you remember me, or how she made me…." Spinel paused, reconsidering what she was about to ask. But no, she had already gone this far. She needed to know. For her own peace of mind.

"I need to know. Are you… going to lock me away and leave me someday if I disappoint you like Pink did?"she asked, finally raising her eyes to White's as she bravely plowed on, "Is there something I can't ever do no matter what, or something I can do to make sure I get to stay? I just want to stay. Please, my Diamond…Will you please tell me before…before…." Spinel paused, her voice wobbly and broken as she forced herself to continue. Her head fell, effectively hiding her glassy eyes. White could only stare, seeing a living figment of Pink's past breaking down in front of her because of something that she had done. It hurt to see it, and even more so to face it. It had been so easy with Pink, to turn away or ignore the feelings of love she had for her. Her punishments were because she loved her, she always reasoned. It was Pink's duty as a future leader to better herself, and White truly believed she was helping her be a better diamond. But Spinel had no such responsibility, and yet she carried the shame of meeting White's expectations all the same. Had Spinel been carrying Pink's burden this entire time?

"Dry those tears, my light,"she whispered soothingly. Spinel clung to her thumb, so she used her other hand to ever so carefully rub the little gem's back with the back of a finger.

"You remember me poorly, little one,"White remarked, feeling Spinel stiffen.

"I-I don't want to. I don't want to remember you that way. I want to remember how good and nice you are. Right now. That's why I…I feel so guilty even telling you this."

"And you? Would you prefer I disregard the memory of a happier, albeit more innocent and naïve version of you entirely to see only the version of yourself you are now?"

"I…" Spinel hesitated. Did she wish White would only see her as she was now? She could barely face herself as she was. She hated who she was, but she was no less ashamed of what she had become. No, she realized. She didn't want to be seen this way, but she didn't want to be remembered as her old self, either – a gem who may as well be dead. She didn't know what she wanted.

"You judge yourself based on who you were, not who you are now. Or rather, how you think I judge you,"White continued, watching Spinel's eyes slowly widen as she looked up at her, "You cannot face your current self, so you idealize your past as someone more deserving of love than you are now. Ironic, that you do the opposite to me, hating me for a version of myself over 8,000 years old and feeling guilty for not idealizing the parts that distinguish me from my old self more." She paused to rub away a stray streak of drying tears with the back of her finger. Spinel leaned into the gesture, tiny hands curling around the digit.

"We are one and the same, my star. We have been recently changed, and we cannot change who we were or what we did. For now, the only thing that matters is that I love you, and you love me"-she carefully booped Spinel's nose, earning a laugh that relieved every ounce of coiled tension in Spinel's small form - "As we are. Right here and now." Spinel carefully replaced her hand on White's thumb, bracing herself for the question she was most afraid of asking.

"Is it okay that I'm like this? I mean are _you_ okay with it?" White could feel the minute tension of Spinel's hands on her thumb, gripping her as if her life depended on it. For her, it likely felt it was so.

"…Steven once said…if I can let gems be whoever they are, I can be who I am too."

"…Do you… really believe that?" White considered this. For her entire existence, a life outside of a singular purpose had been inconceivable. She had dedicated her life to order and regulation. Yet here she was, reconnecting with Blue and Yellow after thousands of years, facing the failure of Pink's loss for the first time and inviting a reminder of that failure – one that did not remotely fit in the order she had so carefully constructed – into her home, speaking to her like an equal. By all means, her answer should be no - it wasn't okay that Spinel was like this. White could easily have slipped into old habits - sent Spinel away, forced her to reform to something more appropriate for her gem, punish her for her feelings.

Except she already knew what a philosophy of harsh discipline had done to Pink. She knew what a life of control and impossible standards did for those she loved. She had lost Pink to it. She had almost lost Blue and Yellow to it, too. Had Steven not convinced her otherwise, White surely would have lost herself to it, punishing everything her light touched until her essence was spread so thinly that her perfect white empire would inevitably crumble. For all her surety that she was always right, she had to trust in her faith that this time around, love would be a better alternative. Love would heal the distance she had put between her family, and love would reconnect her to the happiness and prosperity she had originally dreamed of for her perfect empire.

She looked at Spinel, and saw in her eyes the same struggle and shame to fit in and conform to White's standard of perfection that Pink did. Those glassy eyes, full of both hope and fear, waiting for White Diamond's verdict. Was she enough? Did she deserve a place by the diamond's side? Did she deserve a place in this world? White had already given Pink her answer, but it wasn't too late for Spinel. She had a second chance now to give a different answer to all those questions that had plagued Pink so.

"Your radiance shines no less bright no matter what direction your gem faces, my star. I can't think of anything in the entire cosmos that would keep me from being hopelessly in love with you."

The little pink gem stared up at her, large eyes shimmering, unshed tears hanging on the edges of her lashes. A breath Spinel didn't realize she had been holding puffed up and out, and with that small release, the tiny gem in White Diamond's hand crumbled, her knees sinking down to White's palm. Spinel had one arm wrapped twice around White's thumb, anchoring her there, her head turned into her other hand, embarrassed for White to see how much her answer meant to her. She must look so pathetic, Spinel thought, this happy over the tiniest assurance of love. But nevertheless, she couldn't stop the tears from coming if she tried.

"Starlight…,"White sang, "Dry those tears, now."

"I'm…trying,"Spinel replied, a soft laugh escaping her throat as she flutily continued to wipe away the moisture raining from her eyes, "It's hard."

"Try harder,"White shushed, then caught herself and amended, "I don't enjoy seeing you cry, love." Spinel finally released her grip on White's thumb, falling back on her rear with an exhausted sigh.

"Was that so difficult, Starlight?"

"_Yes."_ Spinel looked up apprehensively at White as she wiped the last of her tears with the heel of her gloved hand.

"…Are we okay?"

"If you can share your worries with me, darling, and I'm able to give whatever assurances I can, we'll always be okay." Spinel smiled weakly at this, opening her arms for a signal to White that she wanted a hug. White obediently brought her closer, and Spinel wasted no time in stretching her arms around White's lower half of her face.

"I need you to promise me something." White raised an eyebrow as she continued to hold her, waiting for Spinel to continue.

"I need you to promise me…that no matter what happens, even if I do or say something awful and you hate me for it…you won't leave me somewhere alone." White's expression softened.

"Starlight, do you think so little of me?"

"I really need this, White. It has to come from you. No matter what. If you don't want to be friends anymore, you'll tell me, and you won't put me somewhere by myself. Even if Blue and Yellow want to put me somewhere alone, you have to promise you'll stop them,"Spinel said, leaning back and staring up at White with all the determination and conviction she could muster, "Steven said I could live on Earth in Little Homeworld if anything happened…I don't want to live on Earth. I want to live with you, and be your friend, and Blue's, and Yellow's. But if you ever don't, and I can't live here with you because I messed up too bad…please let me go live there."

"This is your home as long as you want it, my star."

"White, _please_." Spinel's pigtails rustled in the current of White Diamond's sigh.

"Will this allow you to feel safe here? Safe with me?"

"Yes,"Spinel answered immediately. She placed her hands on White's cheek, looking earnestly up at her. _"Please."_

"…If it will return that sweet smile of yours to me, then I promise, Starlight. As a diamond. You have my word. You'll never be alone again." The arms encircled around White's lower face tightened, Spinel's forehead connecting with the white of her diamond's chin.

"Thank you,"Spinel sighed with a relieved smile as she fully relaxed in White's presence for perhaps the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: The final chapter is the epilogue, and there is no specific character focus, just Spinel and her aftercare plan. Leave a comment if you can, I really appreciate and value your feedback.


	7. Spinel: Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we've reached the end! Thank thank thank thank you to lilybug02 for the gorgeous fanart she made for this story. I'm obsessed and I've looked at it every day since she posted. You can find it at https://lilybug-02.tumblr.com/post/190254392940/lost-or-found-chapter-1-raincheck8-steven

_You listened with attentive care,   
And reassured my mind;  
That loving hearts are still alive,  
With purpose and design.  
  
Deep inside I've locked way,  
Emotions yet untold;  
As time goes on, and bonds grow strong,  
They will all unfold.   
  
So thank you, friend, for taking time,  
To demonstrate your love;  
It's yet another blessing that,   
I'm undeserving of.  
  
Excerpt from “Bonds of Friendship” by Craig Burkholder_

* * *

Epilogue

In the weeks and months that followed, Spinel spent every day with the diamonds, passing her days in relatively tranquil contentment sharing stories, playing games, and enjoying their company.

As Spinel grew to know the diamonds more intimately, she knew to go to certain diamonds for different needs. She loved them all, but they were very different from each other. Just as they were getting to know Spinel a little better underneath the mask of needing to entertain, Spinel loved them in turn for their unique qualities underneath their desire to make up for their mistakes with Pink. 

Blue Diamond was kind to Spinel and sensitive to her emotional needs. Spinel loved her for her compassion and gentle nature. Of all the diamonds, Spinel felt safest with Blue, coming to her when she needed someone who would be understanding and forgiving if Spinel wasn’t having a good day and her fear was threatening to overtake her. Blue knew what it meant to cry, and she was the last person to judge when Spinel couldn’t bear the burden of insecurity any longer. Blue Diamond had long since stopped trying to rescue Spinel and bother her with questions of what was wrong. Her little pink friend came to her willingly when she didn’t pry, asking to sit with her or lie in her hair quietly without speaking. Just being with Blue was enough for her. Spinel liked to spend one-on-one time with Blue in her extraction chamber, swimming in the giant pool or singing with her, soft duets that would echo pleasantly in the marble halls. Sometimes Blue would sing to her, her soft voice a gentle lullaby that Spinel could close her eyes and melt into. 

White Diamond was a kind matronly figure to Spinel, but she never became easier to read. Spinel and White were like two orbiting moons, never touching, both too afraid of vulnerability and abandonment to let their barriers down enough to truly, fully understand each other. Spinel came to White for advice and insight, but she was never a first-choice pick to go to with her feelings. White’s manipulative tactics and condescending nature had waned harmless and benign over the years, but they nonetheless sent the message clear as day that Spinel couldn’t let her guard completely down with White just yet. That didn’t mean Spinel wasn’t happy with her, though. The promise they had made assured Spinel that she didn’t have to try so hard around White and the other diamonds, knowing they wouldn’t leave her alone again like Pink had, no matter how badly she may screw up. Since that talk, Spinel found herself needing to physically hurt herself a little less. She still felt an unbearable pressure to be a good enough friend. But she was also encouraged by White’s open display of affection and assurances that she was still loved no matter her imperfections. If White Diamond of all gems could love her, Spinel couldn’t be that bad, she reasoned.

Yellow Diamond was an invigorating presence, the first to laugh at Spinel’s jokes and the one Spinel wanted to take with her on any ventures outside the palace. Spinel felt grounded with Yellow when she wasn’t sure the other diamonds liked her at all. Yellow had a sense of humor that assured Spinel that she had one diamond friend who never seemed to get tired of her silly antics. Yellow even seemed to appreciate some darker humor, too, which pleased Spinel, as her jokes matured with her.

It was Yellow that talked Spinel into visiting the palace training yard for the first time. The place was vacated of all gems except jaspers and other quartzes - those who truly loved fighting and honing their combative talents. Small sparring arenas had replaced the militant barracks of the army training area, and gems were allowed to participate in harmless civil sparring matches with their weapon of choice and with a referee safeguarding gems’ safety. Spinel had turned heads the first time she came in with Yellow Diamond, and nobody quite knew what to make of her when she sauntered over to the practice yard, picked up a featureless scythe from the rack, and got in line to spar. A spinel, coming to fight?

Their confusion was quickly put to rest when they saw her in action, though. Of course, Spinel was trying to show off for Yellow, but when she won her first match against a dazed basanite, she couldn’t deny the feeling of pride swelling in her gem. She met Yellow Diamond’s eyes with a triumphant grin, feeling giddy when Yellow returned her equally wide smile. She couldn’t wait to tell the pearls she had found her hobby.

Tournament’s were frequently held for the entertainment of other gems and to give gems like Spinel who enjoyed a good tussle for fun a reason to come to the training yard. This was the only time gems were allowed to land blows hard enough to dissipate one’s form. Any cracks to a gem would immediately disqualify a participant, and gems had to stick to one weapon the entire tournament. With the diamond’s encouragement, Spinel decided to enter.

She was surprised at the diamond’s enthusiasm, but they all seemed to agree that Spinel’s strength was a pleasant surprise to them all, and that most importantly, Spinel looked _happy_. Fighting was another way of putting on a show, and stars knew Spinel loved to entertain. But Spinel loved it most because it gave her distance from Pink. Turning away from the purpose Pink had made her for – it didn’t matter how – made Spinel feel just a little freer from her influence and her memory. Spinel was more than just cute and funny and a good entertainer. She was strong and fierce, and that was something Pink could never have programed her with.

The day of the tournament, all of the friends Spinel had made showed up to cheer her on – the pearls, a few of the palace guards Spinel had been friendly to, and the diamonds, of course. The sight of them all sitting together to cheer for her nearly made Spinel lose her composure before the tournament even started. Nobody expected her to win – least of all Spinel – but the fact that they had come at all made her feel like a winner already. The diamonds told her they loved her before she went on for her first match, and the giddiness she felt at hearing those words echoed in her thoughts throughout the day.

Spurred on by the surprising amount of encouragement she received, Spinel surprised everyone by managing to make it into the finals. Her success had gained her quite a following. Gems hooted and hollered for the underdog fighter who, for them, was a shining icon of a free gem with no prior fighting experience who showed everyone that any gem could be anything they wanted. Spinel didn’t quite know how to react when a flustered ruby she had never met came up to her during a break between fights to shake her hand and thank her for being an inspiration for free gems. Suddenly Spinel not only belonged to three diamonds, but for an entire community of gems wishing to escape the roles that had been written for them. Spinel was no different – ripping open a path away from Pink’s memory with a scythe in hand and a stand full of new and unexpected friends loving and supporting her into her new self.

Her final opponent was a formidable ocean jasper, incubated in the deepest recesses of one of White Diamond’s colony where she was known to send her strongest warriors to be made. Pure strength and power against Spinel’s speed and versatility. Spinel was giddy off of so many earlier victories and of the pride shining in all three of her diamond’s eyes whenever she caught a glimpse of them beaming in the stands. Distracted as she was, she barely registered the hit when she ducked a blow from the jasper’s war axe too late. The mighty weapon bore down on her in one swing, cutting through her middle with a gasp from the stands and a puff of smoke as Spinel’s gem clattered to the floor.

The cheers for the victor were drowned out as the diamonds and pearls rushed to Spinel’s side in worry. They carried her home with care and took turns watching her gem until she reformed to make sure that she didn’t wake up alone. Even the pearls fussed over her reforming, concerned for their roommate and why she was taking so long. Days passed and Spinel still didn’t come out.

Spinel herself gave herself a lot of time to think about what form she wanted for herself. She had hated her form so vehemently when she first came to her new home, that her natural instinct was to change everything about her appearance. Neat, tidy hair - a pleasing form to please her diamonds. Simple, happy colors to brighten their day. Cute, round features, for innocence. A gem that faced up, like a good gem was supposed to have.

Except Spinel didn’t want her old form back. Even as her consciousness rested in her gem mulling over the idea, she knew that every particle of light in her being abhorred the idea of regressing back to her old self. And no matter how much she tried to reason with herself why the form she had wasn’t enough, her thoughts couldn’t help but be pulled back to the diamonds. She thought of their smiles directed at her, their loving support, their forgiveness of her when she scarcely knew how to forgive herself. She loved them, and part of her was loathe to change the form they had gotten to know each other in. This was the form she had found friendship in. This was the form she had found love in. This was the form she was slowly but surely learning how to love herself again in.

She wasn’t done. As she thought about the parts of her that she was inclined to change, she found herself defending their need to stay. She liked her long, messy hair, because it gave Pink Pearl more to work with when she let her dress it. She liked the way Blue Pearl drew it – long and whispy and probably prettier than it actually was. She liked purposely leaning over in Yellow Pearl’s face to tickle her with it, just to get a laugh and a rise out of her. The light in her friend’s eyes was worth the frayed ends and unkept knots. She liked her darker colors that were uniquely hers – not at all reminiscent of anything Pink would have given her. She liked her pointed shoulder pads because, as Yellow Diamond pointed out, they matched hers. She liked her angular feet and pointed edges because White had pointed out how they made her look daring and fierce. She even liked her gem facing the wrong way, because, like Blue, Spinel had permanent scars of her pain that deserved to be honored and remembered as a part of her story.

Spinel had been found all along. And she knew exactly how she wanted to reform herself.

All three diamonds were with her when she finally reemerged, her heart shining like a beacon between them, illuminating the worry on their faces and the nervous anticipation in their eyes. Spinel’s light shifted once, twice, and then solidified into her chosen form. The diamonds waited with baited breath.

“Starlight?”White asked slowly as Spinel finally turned to look at her, “Your face…” Spinel grinned, showing off the face that was now free of the angry black tear marks that had streaked down her cheeks.

“I don’t need to cry about it all the time anymore,”Spinel said by way of explanation, looking around between the three diamonds with a shy smile. Her gaze dropped self-consciously to her mostly unaltered form. “…Do you like it?” Relief flooded her when she saw how their eyes shone with happy tears.

“It’s perfect, darling,”Blue said with a delighted smile. Spinel turned to White, bouncing a little in her excitement.

“White, White, look! I have heels! We match now!” White beamed at the happy little gem who immediately stretched her foot all the way up to White’s eyeline just to show off the small blocked heel Spinel had given herself, similar to the heel of White’s sandal. White earned a giggle when she pushed the tiny pink boot back and Spinel fell over backwards with a comedic flop. Spinel looked up from her place on the floor at the three diamonds smiling down at her and felt her gem warm at the sight. She was _home_ again. Here, underneath the smiles of three diamonds who she loved and who loved her back.

The only things that had changed were her shoes and face, but Spinel felt like a new gem - happy and confident for once in a form that, for all intents and purposes, was still wrong for a spinel. But it was right for _her_, and it was the form that the diamonds had befriended her in, so Spinel decided she loved it, too. The pearls were ecstatic to see her as herself again, too, although Yellow Pearl’s sarcastic _“You made us wait a week just to change your makeup?”_ could have convinced Spinel otherwise. They gladly filled Spinel in on everything she had missed while she was out. Pink Pearl gushed excitedly over Spinel’s slightly longer pigtails, and Blue Pearl spent the day drawing her three friends while recanting the events of the tournament. Spinel had to hold down tears when the pearls told her how they had taken turns with the diamonds watching over her while they waited for her to reemerge. She couldn’t help gushing as she wrapped all three of them tightly in a hug. For the first time in 6,000 years, Spinel had been missed by someone. _Multiple_ someone’s, even. Spinel was _wanted._

Weeks passed. Steven had visited the palace twice more since their last interaction. His latest visit had fallen just before the tournament. She guessed at least five months on Earth had passed since the injector incident. Spinel didn’t talk to him, and he didn’t make her. ‘Steven was a better friend than she deserved,’ she told the diamonds each time they asked, and she still had a long way to go until she had earned the right to call him a friend. She would call him when she was ready.

He left gifts each time – small trinkets from Earth, but they were thoughtful and sweet. Paint for Blue Pearl, bobby pins for Pink Pearl, a pocket mirror for Yellow Pearl, and pink scrunchies with small heart charms on them for Spinel. Pink Pearl had to explain what these were, and showed Spinel how to tie them around her already magically cinched pigtails. They were functionless, but Spinel loved them nonetheless. He had left a note with them: _“Let me know when you’re ready to hang out.” _Spinel secretly kept the note in her gem. She’d read it on her bad days, which were becoming less frequent. It was a reminder for her that her company was still valued, even by someone who had every right to hate her. Even on days when she felt too ugly and awkward and broken for the diamonds, Steven at least still wanted to hang out with her.

“I don’t understand why you don’t just call,”Yellow Diamond said bluntly one day after Steven’s third visit that Spinel pointedly skipped, “He says he’s waiting for you ‘when you’re ready.’ What does that even mean?”

“It means what it sounds like,”Spinel replied simply. She was curled up in the crevice of Yellow’s helmet, taking a break from the waters of Blue’s pool by relaxing languidly with her head resting against her hands. She missed Yellow’s disapproving look.

“What’s keeping you from talking to him, darling?”Blue questioned, her cheek resting in her palm.

“Nothing, it’s just…He can talk to me if he wants, but I don’t have any right to bother him if he’s busy. He’s done enough for me, anyway.”

“Why Starlight, he wouldn’t be so busy that he can’t spare a few hours with you, otherwise he wouldn’t come visit at all,”White pointed out matter-of-factly.

“He comes for _you guys_, and to visit the friends he made here,”Spinel reminded her flatly.

“You two seemed to be getting along so well, though. I thought you had put the past behind you,”Yellow commented.

“It is behind us. It’s just…all that savior of the galaxy stuff? I thought it was all just a bunch of hot air, until I actually got to know him. Now I know he’s even nicer than the stories say. He’s just way too good for me. I still have so long to go before I’m not so….” She gestured vaguely in the air, her eyes lowering to her bent knees.

“Not so what?”Blue pressed.

“I don’t know, _me_.” _Stupid, annoying, clingy, insecure, volatile, destructive, bad bad bad._ She hadn’t in a while, but Spinel found herself pulling her pigtails down hard over her face, suddenly ashamed to see the concern in her friends’ eyes that she didn’t feel she deserved.

“You’re judging yourself too harshly again, Starlight,”White gently reprimanded her, “Steven is delightful, it’s true, but so are you. Your radiant light already shines so brightly. Why not share it with him as you have with us?” Spinel glanced in White’s direction, slowly releasing her pigtails.

“This is different. I hurt Steven real bad, and he _still_ forgave me. I don’t think I’m capable of something like that yet.” _I still can’t even forgive Pink for what she did_, she wanted to say. But she didn’t. The diamonds were learning to be more sensitive, but Spinel had long since learned to just not bring Pink up at all if she didn’t want to be the victim of something insensitive they didn’t mean to say.

“Has he even seen your new form, darling?”Blue asked, her brow drawn low in concern.

“No… Why?”

“I just wonder if you’re not being too hard on yourself. You do tend to downplay your own merits, sweetheart,”Blue said gently, reaching up to stroke the little pink gems’s cheek, “The fact that you don’t have these marks anymore…You yourself said that you don’t need to cry about Pink anymore. Haven’t you shown that you are more capable of forgiveness than you think?” Spinel shrugged noncommittedly. So much for not bringing the topic up. Blue had a point, though. Even if she was forever changed by what Pink did to her, didn’t it mean something if Spinel was able to forgive herself, even just a little?

“I guess…” White leaned in, distracting Spinel from her thoughts.

“Come now, Starlight. You wouldn’t deny him this sweet face, would you?”White cooed, gently petting Spinel’s head with a manicured finger, “You are simply too adorable not to be shown off.” Spinel fought White’s finger with a teasing smile, stretching her arms wide above her to push away the finger and laughing when she immediately lost the game of tug of war. White claimed her victory by gently scooping Spinel up into her hand from her perch on Yellow’s head, lowering her arm down so that Spinel was eye-level with all three diamonds.

“In all seriousness, Starlight. Blue is right. You mustn’t be so hard on yourself. You are already such a good friend to us - worrying over us, making us laugh, loving us. Why not use _us_ as a determinant for whether or not you are ready to see Steven? You have grown so much since your first day here, after all.”

“I have?” She was surprised to see all three of her diamond friends nodding with knowing smiles.

“You’re trusting us more, darling,”Blue offered, adding her hand to cup against White’s.

“You’re finding things and people to love,”Yellow added, joining their hands around Spinel.

“Your true smile is shining a little brighter every day.”

“How is that stuff supposed to make me a better friend?”Spinel asked, confused, “That all sounds like stuff you guys have done for me.”

“Because we get to witness your growth! And you witness ours! Are we not shining examples of a perfect transformation from ruthless rulers to adoring companions? Are our impeccable standards for polite conduct not _revolutionary_?”

“What White is trying to say,” Yellow interrupted, “Is that there’s nothing that makes us happier than to watch you shine a little brighter every day.”

“Would that not be the best repayment you can give Steven? Showing him how happy you are, and making him happy knowing that you’re happy?”Blue asked.

“…I guess I never thought of it that way.” Spinel looked down at her pointed shoes, lost in thought. Was that all there was to being a good friend? Supporting and celebrating your friends’ growth? The diamonds sure seemed to think so.

Spinel wondered then why her cheerleading hadn’t been enough for Pink. Spinel thought she had supported and stood by Pink in everything she did, but maybe Spinel didn’t love Pink as much as she loved the sense of security she gave her. Maybe she never really supported Pink as much as she distracted. She knew Pink wanted a colony – had Spinel ever sat with her and let her cry like Blue did with Spinel, or did she rush to try to fix her grief with a smile? Did she ever talk openly to Pink like she did with Yellow? Did she ever try to work through the mistakes and bad times with Pink like she had with White, or did Spinel default to fixing everything with a fake smile to cover up her friend’s sadness? Spinel suddenly wondered if she had ever helped her friend actually grow into the diamond she wanted to be, or if she had even known how. Spinel was, after all, still learning how to support the diamonds heal from their own pain.

Spinel wasn’t sure what to make of this. Maybe…maybe she still needed to learn. Maybe that was something Steven could help her understand.

“Do you guys really think I’m ready? Should I call him?” A beat, and then all three diamonds answered at the same time.

“YES!”

Yellow beat them to the mobile communicator tucked in her gem. A call was set up before Spinel had a chance to realize what was happening. She immediately hid behind White’s fingers with a nervous squeak, her eyes and pigtails still visible from the floating yellow display. Steven picked up within a few minutes, his confused and slightly panicked face immersed in the screen’s golden yellow light.

“Steveeeen! Spinel requests a playdate with you immediately!”White sang by way of greeting. Spinel sunk lower behind her fingers so that only her pigtails stuck out, too embarrassed to even look at the screen after _that _greeting.

“Heeeey, I thought we agreed to only call for emergencies. You guys scared me…,”Steven answered with a nervous chuckle.

“Steven! Did you hear me? Spinel is ready to visit! She”- Spinel interrupted White before she could get ahead of herself by stretching her hand up to cover White’s mouth.

“Hey Spinel,”Steven said with a small laugh at White’s expense. Spinel used her other hand to meekly wave at the screen. Steven wasn’t able to see her face clearly from where she was hiding, and Spinel decided she was fine with that right now. She was sure her face was burning in embarrassment.

“Hey. Sorry it’s…been a while,”she said a little slowly.

“That’s okay.” The other diamonds were staring at Spinel unsubtly, expectant smiles already plastered on their faces as the little gem shifted uncomfortably under all the unexpected attention.

“Um…I guess I was wondering if it was still okay if I came to say hi for a little bit. It’s okay if the offer’s not on the table anymore. I know it’s been a while. Or if you don’t want me to”-

-“Of course it’s okay,”Steven interrupted with a smile, “You’re always welcome.”

“Um.” She glanced at the diamonds for help, but they only nodded, encouraging her to continue on her own. “Are you…free to hang out this week? I mean…just a little bit. I don’t want to bother you if you’re busy.”

“You’re not a bother. I have plans the next few days, but I’m free this Saturday afternoon.” Saturday. This was happening. They finalized the details and a very flustered Spinel waved goodbye after promising to meet him in three day’s time. The diamonds whooped and cheered for her when she hung up, further embarrassing the little gem as they bounced her a little in their hands until she couldn’t help but laugh along with them. Stars knew she wouldn’t have been able to do that without their encouragement.

Three days passed in a blur. The diamonds fed her love and encouragement every day, reminding her that they were proud of her, and that she would be just as good of a friend to Steven as she was to them. These were not the same diamonds who berated, and denied, and withheld their love from Pink with the belief that they were doing her any good. They knew better now, and they were making up for lost time. Spinel’s diamonds loved and supported her with a ferocity that Pink had never known. Spinel almost felt bad for Pink, thinking about how she would never get to see how much the people who had once made her so unhappy had changed so much, all to honor her memory. Spinel was grateful to be theirs - grateful to witness their change and be a part of it, and grateful to have such stalwart role models. They made Spinel want to be better – for herself, for her friends, for a future Spinel was only just starting to visualize as a reality with new friends other than Pink in it.

She stood at the edge of the warp pad three days later, an unnamed uneasiness forcing her legs still as she felt the eyes of all three diamonds worrying at her back. Spinel turned around slowly to look at them. They were smiling, but it didn’t quite reach their eyes. The sight gave her pause.

“You’ll come back soon, right darling?”Blue asked, the first to speak.

“Of course,”Spinel assured her with a smile, “It’s just going to be a few hours, remember? Steven’s just taking me to Funland.”

“If you need anything, you’ll call us, right? We’ll come pick you up right away,”Yellow reminded her for the third time. Spinel smiled weakly and tapped her gem.

“I’ve got the communicator you gave me right here, Yellow,”she reminded her.

“Don’t have too much fun, Starlight. Stay safe. How long did you say you’ll be?” White asked with a worried sigh, her hand on her face, “Oh Starshine, we miss you already....”

“I’ll miss you too, but what are you guys worrying for? Earth is hardly dangerous without me around, and I can take care of myself.”  
  


“We know you can, little one,”Yellow said with a weak smile, “It’s just…bittersweet. Another piece of her, running off to Earth…” Spinel stared up at them, feeling the weight of Yellow’s words hit her. They hadn’t known that sending Pink to Earth meant she would never return to them. They still struggled to let Steven go home any time he visited. This was hard for them, she realized. Watching another loved one run off to Earth, not knowing if Spinel was going to come back to them or if they were going to lose another piece of their family to Earth once more.

“If you guys are that worried, I promise I’ll be back by three hours.”

“Don’t limit yourself on our account, star,”White tried to reassure her, “Go have fun. We’ll be waiting here for you.” Spinel could feel a frown tugging at the corners of her lips at the choice of words.

“You don’t have to wait…,”she said slowly. _Please don’t wait for me the way I did. I would never wish that pain on you guys._

“_If_ she comes back,”Blue sighed, and Spinel could tell Blue was using all her self-control not to cry, “Oh, she’ll probably have so much fun with Steven she won’t even want to come home…”

“I would never,”Spinel said emphatically, her tone uncharacteristically serious, “You guys are everything to me. I’ll be back, no matter what. You should do something fun together while I’m gone so you don’t have to wait.”

“Starlight…”

“Please. For me? Please don’t wait. Do something fun while I’m gone,”Spinel pleaded lightly. Her eyes fell on White, begging. The giantess managed a weak smile for the little pink gem, a long finger coming up to gently rub against Spinel’s bare cheek. Spinel wrapped an arm around it, keeping her there for a moment as she leaned into the pad of White’s finger.

“We’ll try. Just hurry home, love,”White said, “We’ll be here.” Home. The word made Spinel’s throat tighten as she looked up at the three diamonds forcing smiles for her just like she had done for months for them. Her legs carried her automatically, guided purely by instinct. Instead of moving toward the warp pad, Spinel turned and walked toward the diamonds. They were already kneeling on the ground, so Spinel didn’t have to stretch herself too far. Blue just managed to catch her landing as she held her hand out for Spinel. The little pink gem bounded from each diamond – Blue, then Yellow, then White, pressing a kiss against each of their respective cheeks. She stopped at White’s shoulder, smiling at the slight pink tint staining White’s otherwise flawless smiling face when Spinel kissed her.

“I love you guys _so much_,”she whispered, smiling tenderly at each of them in turn. They smiled back at her, leaning in close. Spinel took the initiative to stretch her arms wide around the three necks, holding them tightly together for a group hug.

“I’ll come back home soon. I promise.”

She almost didn’t want to leave now, but she knew she would lose her nerve if she didn’t go. Reluctantly releasing them from her hug, she allowed White to gently lower her to the ground. She didn’t hesitate this time as she stepped up to the warp pad. She turned one last time to wave and tell them she loved them one more time. Their tearful smiles were the last thing she saw before she beamed away.

Spinel could hear the rhythmic rolls of ocean waves outside as she stepped off the warp pad. The windows to the diamond base had been let open, allowing a cool sea breeze to blow in, carrying with it an unexpected fragrance of salt water and sand. It had been so long, Spinel had forgotten how Earth was so unlike the stagnant stillness of Homeworld. She breathed in the fresh sea air wafting from the windows, clear and bright and free of the foul odor of biotoxin. The last time she was here, she may as well have been a different gem.

Steven was waiting for her by the entryway to the diamond base, thumbing through his phone. He looked up when she beamed in and nearly dropped the device.

“Spinel…” For a moment she forgot why he would be looking at her like that. Then she remembered he hadn’t seen her face since she reformed. She grinned, showing off a wide smile free of the black tears he had met her in. She was wearing happiness now and she wanted Steven to see it. Her first real friend.

“Thanks for waiting for me.” He could only stare at her, struck dumb by the miles of change evident since their last meeting. A stillness settled between them, calm and understanding and _proud_. His face broke into a huge smile wide enough to match the radiance shining in hers. He rushed for her, and this time she received his hug with open arms, feeling bold enough to coil her arms around him two, three, four times. He smelled of earth and sunshine, his warm arms wrapped all around her like a wall of protection against her deepest insecurities. She was safe here. She released him reluctantly with a bright smile, beaming at the pride and happiness for her shining in his eyes.

“Come on. I’ve got to be back in a few hours,”Spinel said, pulling Steven forward in her eagerness, grinning from ear to ear, “My friends are waiting for me to come back and I don’t want to worry them.” Steven grinned in turn, walking shoulder to shoulder with her out the door as they began filling each other in on everything they had been doing. They would make sure she wasn’t late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your comments and feedback! I have a lot of hobbies that I have to rotate with my limited free time, and writing is a rare long-term investment for me. The fact that I’ve been inspired to keep writing this for over three months goes to show how much I love this character. I haven’t finished a multi-chapter story in over six years, so this is a big personal accomplishment for me. Given that it might be another long while before I start another short project like this, and my only other fandom consists of maybe three people total, I really do appreciate any and all feedback you can give before you go. Thank you all so, so much. You can find me casually lurking around the fandom and occasionally posting art at ladylore97.tumblr.com


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